(in a club)

Trent - Hello. We're Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.

Mystik Spiral - I'm glad your happy Watching my pain, burning crop circles on my soul's razor brain, we had no love seen but you cut to the chase, you're choppin off my nose to spite my face, Ow, my nose. Ow, my face. Ow, my nose. Ow, my face. Oooooooowwwwwwwww!

Jane - You want to go for a burger after this?

Daria - What?

Jane - You want to go for a burger after this?

Daria - What?

Jane - Burger! Get! Get burger!

Daria - Get burger? Hmm. Okay. This place does put me in the mood for meet.

Jane - Cool. I'll tell Trent we're going with him.

Daria - With Trent?

Jane - Yeah, the band's going over to Cluster Burger. You're not going to act like a complete nitwit, are you?

Daria - Define complete. Um, I just need to go to the bathroom.

Jane - Good idea. Check your lack of makeup.

(in the bathroom)

Guy - All yours dude.

Brittany - I can't stand this! What was I thinking!

Daria - Brittany?

Brittany - All right, so Kevin is a stupid selfish conceited jerk! He's still better than Terry or Jerry or whatever his name is and this stupid club!

Daria - Who's Terry or Jerry?

Brittany - Oh no! I've said too much! Ew, what happened to your neck?

Daria - Huh?

Brittany - You neck! It's all like blotchy!

Daria - Eww! I don't know!

Brittany - I'm not surprised you can catch something in a place like this.

Daria - Um, Brittany? Can you do me a favor?

Britttany - Um, sure!

Daria - Tell Jane I had to leave?

Brittany - Sure, but will you promise not to tell Kevin about Terry or Jerry or whoever?

Daria - On the unlikely event through some bizzarre set of circumstance I end up conversing with Kevin, I won't tell him about Terry, or Jerry.

Brittany - Thanks!

Trent - Daria? Are you in there?

Brittany - Don't worry. Have some consideration for female modesty please!

Trent - Oh. Sure. Sorry.

Brittany - I'll tell Jane.

Daria - I won't tell Kevin.

(in the club)

Daria - Emergency. Yes, that is correct.

Jane - Daria!

Daria - (jumps in cab) Let's go.

Cab Driver - Where to?

Daria - Um...

Cab Driver - Eww!

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

TV - What makes a happy vibrant involved teen become a surly, resentful, withdrawn teen?

Jake - Yeah! What?

TV - Drugs. That's what. The old story hits a new generation.

Helen - Daria, is that you?

Daria - Yeah, hi, good night.

Jake - Oh my god you don't think Daria...

Helen - Jake, she was never happy, vibrant, or involved. Besides, she's a straight A student.

Jake - That could be her cover! Her pupils! We should check her pupils! What did I do with that pamphlet?

Helen - Jake, please.

Jake - For all we know she's dealing maryjoe out of the rec room!

Helen - That's maryjane, and we don't have a rec room.

(in the kitchen)

Helen - It's briefs and bagel day today at the Carlile's.

Jake - Ahem. Daria, I wanted to talk to you about something. Have you seen this pamphlet?

Daria - Huh? Is your teenager using drugs? Ten warning signs. Yes, yes, no, maybe, sometimes, hmm, about three times a week, and not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean.

Quinn - What?

Daria - Although, you might want to check her pupils.

Jake - I was thinking more about you Daria!

Daria - Oh! Then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sneak around spying on me and looking in my sock drawer.

Jake - Oh. Kiddo? Which one is your sock drawer?

Quinn - I can show you Daddy.

(doorbell rings)

Daria - (opens door)

Jane - Well, look who it is! Invisible girl!

(walking outside)

Daria - Look, I'm sorry about last night.

Jane - Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity. Getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Althought her hair did leak onto my shoes...

Daria - You sure that wasn't her brain?

Jane - Naw, there was no much of it. Any idea what caused this so called rash?

Daria - I wish I knew.

Jane - Anyway the important thing is that, instead of going to your friends for help, you ran screaming into the night.

Daria - Basically.

Jane - Perfectly logical response.

Daria - I thought so.

(at school, in Mr. O'Neill class)

Mr. O'Neill - Arrogant, proud, vain, thuggish. King Lear was all these, and worse. And yet, if we tilt our figurative head to the side and squint just so, isn't he also just a little, cuddly? What is it about tyrants that makes them so, I don't know, charismatic.

Daria - (sees rash coming back, runs out of class room)

Mr. O'Neill - Daria? Oh dear. Perhaps I should ask if anyone else who wishes to be excused because of the emotionally, sensitive nature of today's subject matter.

(everyone leaves)

(commercial break)

(in the bathroom)

Quinn - Eww! Gross!

Daria - Is there a bathroom in this town without someone I know in it?

Quinn - What happened to your face?

Daria - I don't know. It's a rash or something.

Quinn - Okay, don't panick. I'm sure I hav something here. Let's see, moisturizing cream with aloe... Too late for that! Well, there's hydro A the ultimate pimple medicine, except that's not really pimples I guess.

Daria - I don't get it. You're really helping me?

Quinn - Skincare crisis transcend personality conflicts Daria, it's in the Fashion Club laws. And this is obviously a crisis. Ick. Now this is poxyphile, for non specific blemishes. And this is salisosalin, for a micro zit conditioning.

Daria - I don't think any of those are what I need.

Quinn - Yeah, it's time for serious prescriptions.

Daria - Hey, what are you doing with all that stuff? Your skin's fine.

Quinn - And it's going to stay that way. Well, sorry I can't help! Bye!

(in the nurses office)

Nurse - Ewww!

(on the phone)

Helen - Jake, honey we have a problem. Daria is in the school nurse's office.

Jake - Oh my god, what is it? What did they find on her? Just tell mt it's not too late for rehab!

Helen - Oh Jake, will you get a grip? She has a rash and they want her to see a doctor right away.

Jake - (looking through pamphlet) Rashes, rashes...

Helen - I had Maryanne call Dr. Davison but the thing is I have a big Calco meeting...

Jake - I can be at the school in... eleven minutes. Rashes. Nevermind, no time now!

(in the car)

Jake - Dammit! You go to hell you reckless bastard! My kid's got a rash! The damn window is up! I said you go to hell you reckless bas... hey! Get back here!

(at the doctor's office)

Doctor - Daria, I assume the lining of your pillow doesn't contain any synthetic fibers?

Daria - Um, okay.

Doctor - You don't drink carbonated drinks, do you?

Daria - Yes.

Doctor - Do you stay away from foods with artificial colors, bleach, and refined sugar?

Daria - No. What have I got?

Doctor - I havn't the slightest idea. Probably some kind of allergy but we can't rule out something more, serious. Especially with that fever you're running. Just to be on the safe side I'd like to check you into the hospital for some tests.

Daria - No way.

(at the hospital)

Nurse - There you go. Nice fresh sheets, and all tucked in. You'd never know that poor Mrs. Sullivan just lay here and...

Daria - Who?

Nurse - Nobody. No one. See you tomorrow!

Daria - Dad! Dad!

Jake - Huh?

Daria - You look thirsty. Why don't you go get a soda.

Jake - Oh there's water here. I don't want to leave you.

Daria - Don't worry, I'll be fine. Treat yourself to a nice root beer. In a frosty cold can.

Jake - Frosty cold can... you know I wouldn't mind a root beer, how about you kiddo?

Daria - I'm fine. Go on now.

Jake - Be right back!

(on the phone)

Jane - Yo.

Daria - Hi.

Jane - Hi! Where are you?

Daria - The hospital.

Jane - What?

Daria - Just for a night or two. While they run some tests.

Jane - Bummer.

Daria - It's no big deal, but the thing is, I'd rather you didn't tell anybody about this rash.

Helen - (walks in)

Daria - I'll call you back.

Helen- Oh! Sweetie! Oh my goodness! Just look at you!

Daria - Hi Mom. Good to see you too. Dad's getting a soda.

Helen - Jake have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?

Jake - No one's been in to see her yet but Dr. Davison doesn't think it's drugs.

Helen - No one's been in to see her and you're out getting a sodas? Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?

Quinn - Hi Daria.

Daria - Hi.

Helen - If you have one ounce of commen sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.

Jake - But wait!

Daria - You know, this is exactley the kind of constant bickering that can make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.

Helen - I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? Nurse? Nurse? Nurse?

Jake - You said I could have a root beer!

(at school, in the hallway)

Brittany - Jane?

Jane - Brittany? What happened to your hair?

Brittany - Nevermind that now. Have you seen Daria?

Jane - Why would you want Daria?

Brittany - What makes you think I want her? I don't want her! Who said I want her?

Jane - You asked me if I had seen her.

Brittany - She hasn't told you anything interesting about me, has she?

Jane - No one's ever told me anything interesting about you.

Brittany - That's a relief.

Jane - Anyway she'll be back in a day or two. She's in the hospital while they check out that ra...re condition.

Brittany - Condition?

Jane - Yeah, um, she's come down with a slight case of... brain fever. It's a thing brains get.

Brittany - Wow. That sounds serious.

Jane - No, no, usually if you read a best seller it'll go away. So um, no need to mention it to anyone. I'll tell her you asked about her.

Brittany - Just ask her if she remembers our deal.

Jane - What deal?

Brittany - What deal?

Jane - The deal you just mentioned...

Brittany - I didn't say anything about a deal, forget I said anything about a deal!

Jane - Forget I said anything about a hospital.

Brittany - Okay.

Jane - Hey, now we have a deal.

Brittany - What deal?

Jane - Later.

Brittany - Brain fever...

(at the hospital)

SSW - Death wears velvety green. Homicidal house plants, next! On Sick, Sad World.

Helen - The word malpractice must still mean something.

Dr. Philips - Mrs. Morgendorffer, I assure you... eww! Wasn't this Mrs. Sullivan's room?

Helen - Who?

Dr. Philips - Nevermind. How are you doing Daria? I'm Dr. Philips.

Daria - Hello.

Quinn - Hi! I'm Quinn. I get sick too.

Dr. Philips - Hello Quinn.

Quinn - I think the way you save lives is really cool.

Dr. Philips - Thank you. Daria, they'll be coming by in a few minutes to take a little blood. Besides this rash, is there anything else that's been bothering you?

Helen - She's been sniffling, I think she may have some allergies, but she insists she doesn't.

Jake - Sniffling? Where's that pamphlet?

Helen - Jake, get up, and let the doctor sit down.

Dr. Philips - No, no, no, that's all right. Actually if you all don't mind leaving the room for a minute, there are some personal questions I'd like to ask Daria.

Jake - Of course! (leaves)

Quinn - Don't bother, she hasn't done anything. (leaves)

Dr. Philips - You too Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Helen - Oh, all right. (leaves)

Daria - Let's make this short. I don't use drugs and I'm not sexually active.

Dr. Philips - Oh, of course not.

Daria - What do you mean, of course not.

Dr. Philips - I mean, if you say so.

Daria - So then, what did you want to ask me?

Dr. Philips - Nothing in particular, I just thought you could use a break from your parents for a while. You play gin rummy?

Daria - Sure.

Dr. Philips - Actually, I did want to ask you one thing.

Daria - Yeah...

Dr. Philips - What is it with your mother?

(commercial break)

(Daria's dream)

Daria - Who are you?

Mrs. Sullivan - I am Eleanor Sullivan. This is my room.

Daria - There must be some kind of mistake. The nurse's station is down the hall. Eleanor Sullivan? Mrs. Sullivan?

Mrs. Sullivan - You mustn't be frightening. I was frightened. Especially during those final agonies! But that was before I knew where I was going. Come.

Daria - Where are we going?

Mrs. Sullivan - My dear, don't you know?

Daria - Is this heaven?

Mrs. Sullivan - It has many names.

Daria - It's beautiful.

Mrs. Sullivan - Yes!

Stoner guy - Hey, what's up, you wanna party?

Daria - Excuse me?

Other stoner guy - Hey babe, why don't you take your glasses off and relax.

Daria - I'm plenty relaxed. You can tell by deep rhysmic breathing.

Stoner guy - Oh man, what did you do, bring us another brain?

Mrs. Sullivan - I just go where they tell me.

Daria - Um, is there a problem?

Other stoner guy - This is heaven. What would we want with a brain?

Mrs. Sullivan - Sorry.

Daria - (falls into hell)

(at the pizza place)

Kevin - Babe, what happened to your hair?

Brittany - Nevermind that now. Did you know that Daria has brain fever?

Jodie - Brain fever?

Brittany - Yeah! Doesn't that sound serious?

Mack - You get the scalpal, we can use my Dad's barn as an operating room.

Brittany - Your Dad doesn't have a barn.

Kevin - We can use your basement!

Jodie - I'm sure that if it were serious, Daria would be in the hospital.

Brittany - Um...

Jodie - What, she is in the hospital?

Brittany - Eeek!

Jodie - She's not in the hospital.

Brittany - Oh, I promised not to tell anyone about the hospital because I made a deal with Daria and she kept her part and I kept my part but then I made another deal with Jane and I didn't even know I was making it until it was made and now I didn't keep my part because I told about the hospital and now Jane's going to tell about the deal and I didn't mean anything by it, I just thought I'd see what other kids do at night who didn't do any sports and he didn't mean anything to me Kevy, I swear i!

Kevin - So she is in the hospital?

(in the hospital)

Dr. Philips - I'm sorry about all this bloodwork Daria, but so far, all signs are good.

Daria - Other than my having turned into Ms. Tomato-Hear, you mean.

Dr. Philips - Well, yeah.

Daria - Hey.

Jane - Hi.

Daria - Jane, this is Dr. Philips.

Dr. Philips - Pleased to meet you. Friend, not family, right?

Jane - How can you tell?

Dr. Philips - Daria seemed happy to see you. I'll stop by later.

Daria - Okay. Thanks.

Jane - Oh la la! Doctor, I have a pain.

Daria - Please, the man is a butcher. Look what he's done to my face.

Jane - That's pretty red. Um, what is it?

Daria - So far the tests are all negative. It's probably nothing. Like I need this.

Jane - What?

Daria - A bright mysterious rash covering my skin.

Jane - I know. And here you were perfectly capable of alienating people on personality alone.

Daria - You know, you could've just sent flowers.

Jane - Hey, it's not so bad. It'll go away. If not this year, then definately next.

Daria - At least no one at school has seen it. They probably haven't even noticed I'm gone.

Brittany - Daria?

Daria - Brittany? What are you doing here?

Brittany - Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on my deal and I thought I might Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal but I also went back on your part of the deal so there's no use in you doing that.

Jane - We had a deal?

Brittany - And to see how you were. Um, you're kind of red.

Daria - Yes, but I'm probably okay.

Brittany - Great!

Jane - What was our deal?

Jodie - Daria?

Daria - What are you doing here?

Jodie - Oh, well, Brittany said you had some brain fever or something. But you weren't in the hospital. So I kept asking Jane and she finally admitted that you had a rash and you were in the hospital.

Mack - So we just figured that we'd come down here and see for ourselves how you were.

Daria - I'm probably okay.

Mack - So that's cool.

Daria - For a human lobster.

Jodie - So you're a little red. It could happen to anybody! Well, it can happen to lots of people.

Quinn - Daria?

Daria - Quinn?

Quinn - How are you?

Daria - I'm...

Quinn - Is that Dr. Philips coming by today? I've got a... twinge.

Kevin - Daria?

Daria - Kevin?

Brittany - What are you doing here?

Kevin - I went over to Mack's house but the basement was empty! Daria, am I glad to see you.

Daria - Um, thanks Kevin.

Kevin - I was afraid they'd start the operation without me!

Daria - Operation?

Mack - It's a long story.

Jodie - Maybe later. When you have your strength back.

Mrs. Sullivan - Daria?

Daria - Who are you?

Mrs. Sullivan - I'm Mrs. Sullivan. Did I leave an enema bag here?

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Helen - Dr. Philips was very nice. He said Daria's rash was probably triggered by anxiety. He gave us a prescription just in case it doesn't go away on it's on.

Jake - Anxiety? What could be giving you anxiety?

Daria - Well, let's see. Every aspect of my life?

(doorbell rings)

Daria - That's Jane. See ya.

Helen - Daria?

Daria - Yeah?

Helen - Your father and I just want you to know that we're very proud of the way you handled the situation.

Jake - That's right kiddo.

Daria - I didn't do anything but sit there like a crash dummy while they took blood. You were worried, weren't you.

Helen - Daria, we're your parents.

Daria - Yeah, well, thanks for being there for me.

Jake - Did she just say...

Helen - Jake, don't spoil the moment!

Daria- (opens door)

Jane - Hey, ready to go.

Daria - Yeah.

Jane - Trent's going to give us a ride.

Daria - Trent?

Trent - Hey Daria.

Daria - (rash returns) What?