(at school, in the library)

Daria - (reading)

Brittany - Wow! Look at this place! I wonder what it is!

Kevin - I think it's the library babe!

Daria - (leaves)

(library's roof collapses)

(in Ms. Li's office)

Mrs. Bennet - I could have sworn I had money for a new roof, under capital improvements.

Ms. Li - Oh well, everyone makes mistakes.

Mrs. Bennet - Is that a polygraph machine?

Ms. Li - Oh, yes, I... won it in a raffle.

Mrs. Bennet - I don't know where we're going to get the money for repairs. I fund raiser I guess. Boogie-Bash 70s Revival night?

Ms. Li - We can't. Someone stole the disco ball. No, we'll have to come up with something that truly captures the spirit of student life at Lawndale High.

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, why do you think it is that Tolstoy felt he had to make War and Peace so darn, unpleasant? Daria?

Daria - So no one would pester him to do a sequel?

Mr. Li - Good morning young people! I have a very sad announcement! The library will be closed until further notice.

Daria - Great, there goes the only place I could go to be alone.

Jane - Oh you know that's not true.

Ms. Li - To raise money for repairs, the school will be presenting a medieval fair. Simulating life in the middle ages.

Kevin - Yeah!

Ms. Li - Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must voluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension. Have a nice day.

Daria - That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Jane - I know. We gotta go!

(in the hallway)

Brittany - Babe, this is very important to me. The Cadbury tales are like classic and I think I'd be great in the play! Just do the audition with me!

Kevin - Oh, babe...

Brittany - Because nobody plays a love scene like you Kevy.

Kevin - Awww...

Brittany - Now go practice. Your lines!

Quinn - Wow, where's he going?

Brittany - We're going to be in a play together at the medieval fair.

Quinn - Oh... that's nice.

Brittany - We'll be the most popular ones there.

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Quinn - So I thought if I have to volunteer anyway I might as well do something that challenges me as a teen and maybe bring some joy into the drab lives of others who are less popular. So they're going to have this dinner theater with a play by this guy Ken Barry and I'm going to audition for Emily, the really cute sister. Preserve me from this vengeance...

Helen - That's great honey. Daria, what will you be doing in the fair?

Daria - Admiring it from the safe distance of my room.

Helen - Daria, this fair is for a very good cause. Everyone should go!

Daria - Are you going?

Quinn - That won't be necessary.

Helen - I meant every student...

Daria - But what if Meryl Streep here gets the part? Nothing says support like you and Dad leading a rousing cheer from the footlights. And just think of the delicious dinner.

Jake - Huh? Darnit!

(at school, in the hallway)

Tiffany - Should we try out for the play? We might get on a poster.

Sandi - I don't think The Fashion Club should participate in activities where you surrender wardrobe autonomy to someone else.

Tiffany - Yeah, we have more important things to do.

Sandi - That's right. Let's go to Cashmans and try on sequence gowns.

Quinn - Hi Sandi, Tiffany! Guess what?

Sandi - You're transferring to a new school?

Quinn - No, I'm trying out for the part of Emily in the Canterbury Tales.

Sandi - That is so weird. I am too.

Tiffany - But...

Quinn - Really? I didn't see your name on the sign up sheet.

Sandi - Quinn, if you don't want me to audition then just say so.

Quinn - Stop that foolish talk Sandi, I'm happy you're auditioning. If you get the part it'll be just like me getting it, only not.

Stacy - Guys, you're not going to believe this. Brett Stran just asked me out.

Sandi - Really. Is that okay with you Quinn?

Quinn & Stacy - Huh?

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

SSW - Meet the avant garde obstetrician who turned his cast offs into big ticket art work! Umbilical cord sculptures, next on Sick, Sad World.

Quinn - Dad? Dad!

Jake - Huh?

Quinn - Could you help me with something?

Jake - Honestly Quinn I'm just tapped out, I wish I could but I'm dead flat broke! If I had a buck on me, you'd know...

Quinn - Dad! I need someone to help me rehearse me lines!

Jake - Oh sure! You know I played Guildenstern in college! I thought I'd be nervous but I was cool as a cucumber.

Quinn - That's actually interesting because I'm just a little...

Jake - Until I walked on stage and found myself in front of the crowd, standing room only. I felt so... naked.

Quinn - Dad you're not...

Jake - I froze, couldn't say a word. Then it started. The snickering. They laughed me off the stage those jerks!

Quinn - I'll go practice upstairs.

Jake - Quinn honey, it wasn't that bad really! After a few months the teasing tapered off and...

Quinn - Stop!

Jake - Maybe I should go talk to her... Hey! Ziggy!

(at school, in the auditorium)

Sandi - Oh Palamon, who has such love for me?

Upchuck - For which he's deserving of death.

Quinn - Oh Palamon, who has such love for me?

Kevin - For which he's like, deserving of death. Cool!

Brittany - Oh Palamine, who... who... I can I remember all this?

Mr. O'Neill - Uh, shall we begin?

(time passes)

Sandi - Uh, I do. I guess.

Mr. O'Neill - I now pronounce you as husband and wife. And thus, with perfect bliss and melody, Palamon wedded Emily.

Sandi - Ummm! Argh!

Upchuck - Hey, why fight it toots? We're man and wife now.

Sandi - Keep dreaming Charles.

(time passes)

Brittany - I do Kevy. I mean, Palamony.

Kevin - Yeah, me too!

Mr. O'Neill - I now pronounce you...

(Kevin and Brittany start making out)

Mr. O'Neill - Um, oh dear, um, guys? Um, Brittany? Brittany? Brittany!

Brittany - Yes?

Mr. O'Neill - That was very good. But now it's time you give someone else a chance to audition.

Brittany - Okay. Come on Kevy!

Mr. O'Neill - Um, actually, I'd like Kevin to stay on stage. Kevin, you're really doing something special with Palamon.

Kevin - But, aren't I Palamon?

Mr. O'Neill - Now, who's next for Emily? Ah, Quinn. Quinn Morgendorffer?

Quinn - Right here!

Brittany - Eep!

(commercial break)

(in the Morgendorffer car)

Quinn - I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing, I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing, I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing...

Daria - With the hey nany nany, tra la, tra la. Would you give it a rest?

Quinn - Daria, I have to rehearse. It's not my fault Mom's making you come to this. It's not like I want you here.

Daria - Aww, thanks.

Helen - Stop it you two. Quinn, Daria's very happy to be seeing you in your play, aren't you Daria?

Daria - I will make a dainty garland for my neck and choke.

Helen - I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part over them.

Quinn - Well let's see, Sandi was really nice about it, she said she's too mature to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.

Daria - I guess she's speechless with joy that you and Kevin are gonna be acting together.

Quinn - For your information, Brittany volunteered to drive him so he can work on his lines.

Daria - Did she volunteer to get a dainty transplant for his head so he can remember them?

Jake - Damn kids!

(in Brittany's car)

Britttany - Crazy old jerk! I hope that didn't disturb your concentration.

Kevin - Nah, I'm cool.

Brittany - Cuz, you know, I don't want anything to distract you from your performance.

Kevin - I know babe. Thanks. Um, babe? Isn't that the turn-off for school?

Brittany - I don't think so.

Kevin - Really? I am concentrating.

(at the fair)

Helen - Daria? Quinn?

Jake - That's funny, there were her a moment ago. Hey, my man. Cool dreads.

Guy - You calling me a wus?

Helen - Linda! John!

Linda - Helen!

John - Helen! Jake!

Linda - Jake!

Linda - Have you met Sam and Chris? Boys, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Sam - (fighting with Chris) You suck! You suck!

Chris - Ow! (runs off)

John - Uh, kids, get back here!

Linda - Congratulations on Quinn getting the lead in the play.

Helen - Why thank you. I hear the competition was pretty stiff.

Linda - Well, poor Sandi's acting is a little subtle. Mr. O'Neill was obviously looking for someone over the top.

Helen - He, he...

(at the jousting ring)

Ms. Li - Mr. White, if you'll just sign this waiver, of suing Lawndale High for you accidental death, we can start the fun! Let the sport begin!

Mr. DeMartino - Well, if it isn't Jamie. I hope you're better at wielding a lance than you are at opening a book!

Jamie - Hey, you got my name right! Ow!

Mr. DeMartino - Next!

Daria - Thanks for meeting me here.

Jane - Hey, I wanted to come, remember? Besides, I had to get out of the house. Trent discovered a new chord.

Upchuck - Would either of you ladies be interested in a madrigal?

Jane & Daria - No.

Upchuck - (starts to sing)

Jane - I'm going to cut out your tongue, your tongue and fry it up on a stick.

Upchuck - Grrr! Fiesty! Hey Andrea! You like madrigals?

Andrea - Don't touch me you howdy doody looking creep.

(at the Witch Dunk)

Mrs. Bennet - Good afternoon young men. You're about to learn first hand the profit generating principles if the game of chance...

Chris - (throws ball) Yes!

Mrs. Bennet - (falls) He, he. Maybe I should say games of skill.

(at the cake stand)

Stacy - (weeping)

Sandi - God Stacy, what's wrong? You look awful.

Tiffany - Yeah, really, really bad.

Stacy - It's Brett. He said he'd call me after our first date but he never did and I just saw him and I said hi and he pretended like he didn't even see me.

Sandi - Bummer.

Tiffany - Yeah.

Sandi - These long skirts are so hard to walk in.

Tiffany - I know.

Sandi - Stacy, it's gonna to be all right.

Tiffany - He's not worth it. No guy is.

Stacy - Thanks guys. It's so great to know that I can count on my true friends.

Tiffany - So then, he's not dating anyone now?

Quinn - (walks by)

Tiffany - I can't believe Quinn got the part over you. It's so wrong.

Sandi - Oh I'm sure she'll do a good job.

(at the information booth)

Jodie - Hey.

Jane - So if Prince Charming kisses you, do you think you'll wake up from this night mare?

Jodie - It's for a good cause, okay?

Daria - You just keep telling yourself that. Or have you ladies in waiting do it.

Jane - Where's Prince Mack?

(at the Dragon booth)

Mack - Grrr!

Jodie - It was Ms. Barch's idea.

Girl - Are you Barney?

Mack - Grrr!

Kids - Kill him! Kill him! Kill the dragon!

Mack - Ow! Owwww!

(at the fortune tent)

Ms. Barch - You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending twenty long years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a trail of muddy foot prints behind, on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be better off without him. Much better off.

Girl - (sobs and runs off)

Jane - Much, much, better off.

Daria - And she's the living proof.

Jane - Should we get our fortunes read?

Daria - I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough.

Jane - Then how about a ferris wheel ride?

Daria - Do I look desperate to you?

Sam and Chris - Crusade! Crusade!

Upchuck - Ladies! Wait till you hear the ballad of the misunderstood minstrel.

Daria - Do I look desperate to you now?

Jane - Yup.

Daria - Let's go.

Guy - You're in luck, one basket left.

Upchuck - Hey, come on, listen to my song. It's only got twelve verses.

Sam and Chris - Inquisition! Inquisition!

Upchuck - Ow! Ow!

Stacy - (weeping) Please, you gotta let me on.

Guy - Can't, we're full up.

Stacy - But I don't want anyone to see my eyes. They're this really weird shade of red.

Guy - Sorry, safety regulations.

Stacy - I'll pay you double.

Guy - All aboard.

Daria - Hey, you can't do this.

Jane - We're human beans damnit!

(commercial break)

(at the archery booth)

Linda - And everyone thought I had a cesarean because Sandi's head was so round and smooth. Not flat and bumpy like the other babies.

Helen - Well my labor with Quinn was only two hours and twenty minutes so her head was quite round too.

Linda - That's great, especially since giving birth can be risky for women over 35.

(backstage)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, I want everyone to take a minute and visualize the audience. As we finish our wonderful play, they finish their delicious dinner and leap up as one in a standing ovation. Brava! Brava! Everyone!

Everyone - Brava! Brava!

Mr. O'Neill - Yum! Yum!

Everyon - Yum... Yum...

Mr. O'Neill - Now, lets bow our heads for a moment and remember poor James Dean.

Quinn - Oh Palamon, who has such love for me... I will make a dainty garland... Sandi? Tiffany? What are you guys doing here?

Tiffany - We came by to wish you luck!

Sandi - Not that you'll need it.

Tiffany - No way.

Quinn - You really think so?

Sandi - You're really talented Quinn. I especially like your unique inflections.

Quinn - You do?

Sandi - Like, say a line for us.

Quinn - Well, okay. I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing.

Sandi - See what I mean?

Tiffany - Oh yeah.

Quinn - What do you mean Sandi?

Sandi - Well, anybody else would have said, I will make a dainty garland for my head. But you Quinn, with your special talent, you said, I will make a dainty garland for my head. I mean, it must be talent, because you wouldn't emphasize the wrong words, would you?

Quinn - No, of course not.

Sandi - I did think so. (leaves)

Tiffany - I can't believe she thinks she should have gotten the part over you. It's so wrong.

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, have you seen Kevin?

(in Brittany's car)

Kevin - Now I know we don't take a highway to school babe.

Brittany - Are you sure?

Kevin - Um, no.

(on the ferris wheel)

Stacy - And I wore my crushed velvet tank top, the one with the scoop neck. And he still didn't ask me out again. If only you were popular enough to understand.

Jane - Yes. If only.

Daria - When the hell is this ride going to be over?

(in the auditorium)

Helen - What's this?

Guy - This is a dinner theater. That's dinner.

Jake - Don't we get utensils?

Guy - It's the middle ages Pops.

Jake - Pops?

Helen - Come on Jake.

Jake - What do you think happened to the rest of this turkey?

(at the jousting ring)

Mr. DeMartino - Try blaming this on dyslexia!

Joey - Ow!

Jamie - Come on, Quinn's play is about to start anyway.

Mr. DeMartino - Next!

(on the ferris wheel)

Stacy - But why? Was it something I said? Something I wore? I wish I were dead.

Daria - Look, don't flush your entire world down the drain just because some jerk didn't ask you out again. It probably didn't have anything to do with you anyway.

Jane - Unless you did something stupid like bore him with your petty problems and convoluted logic.

Stacy - Why would I do that?

(in the auditorium)

Helen - This is revolting. I think I'm going to be sick.

Jake - Hey, you gonna eat that?

(backstage)

Quinn - I will make a dainty garland. I will make a dainty garland. I will make...

Jamie - Hey Quinn, I just wanted to stop by and wish you good luck.

Jeffy - I want to wish you even better luck.

Joey - I want to wish you the best...

Quinn - Guys, if you really want to help me, find Kevin. He's not here and there's no one to play Palamon.

Joey, Jeffy, & Jamie - I'll play him ! I'll play him! Yeah! Me!

Quinn - Guys! Don't fight over me!

Mr. O'Neill - Desperate times cause for desperate measures. Eenie, meeny, miny, moo!

Joey & Jamie - No way! Come on! That's not fair!

Mr. O'Neill - Now Jeffy, all you have to do is read Palamon's lines until Kevin gets here with his very good reason for sabotaging our play.

Quinn - Thanks Jeffy.

Jeffy - Who I am supposed to be again? It started with a P.

Jamie - The Pardoner.

Jeffy - Oh yeah.

(on stage)

Quinn - I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. La, la, la, la...

Jeffy - That lust proceeds from wine and drunkenness, consider how drunken lot pervertedly slept with...

Quinn - What?

Jeffy - That lust proceeds from...

Quinn - Stop!

Crowd - (starts to snicker)

Jake - Snicker, snicker, snicker... Damnit! Who's laughing? What's so damn funny?

Guy - (throws turkey leg at Jake)

Jake - Ow! Why you little!

Quinn - What's going on? Ah!

(outside)

Stacy - Then you think I should call him?

Daria - Yes. Right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.

Jane - Must stick head cold water.

Jodie - Guys can you help me out? There's some kind of riot going on in the auditorium. Just watch the information booth while I find Ms. Li.

Jane - Uh oh. Someone just put us in a position of responsibility.

Daria - The day has suddenly turned sinister.

(at the fortune tent)

Mr. O'Neill - I just wanted the play to go well.

Ms. Barch - Of course you did. See, in another life, you were a woman. Which explains why you have feelings.

Mr. O'Neill - Really?

Ms. Barch - Your cards also say that you and a still attractive co-worker have a chance for unparallel bliss provided you avoid the behavior common to your sex.

Mr. O'Neill - Really? When?

Ms. Barch - Very very soon!

(Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill go under the table and make out)

(at the information booth)

Girl - Why aren't you wearing costumes?

Daria - We were. But we donated them to the museum of glorifying violence and medieval times.

Boy - The medieval times were cool!

Daria - Yeah, the air was cleaner and there was less crowding. Since the black death wiped out a third of the population in many places.

Jane - Must have been cool to see the ox carts rolling through the streets, piled high with festering corpses.

(time passes)

Daria - And the real Robin Hood actually lived in the thirteen hundreds. King Edward the Second busted Robin and his band of outlaws poaching deer. But rather than punish him, he pardoned Robin and made him his special friend.

Jane - Robin was so grateful, from that day on, he insisted on giving the King his bath.

(time passes)

Daria - Actually, Anne Bolin was no prize either.

Jane - She had six fingers on her left hand, a big mole on her neck, and don't even ask me what was going on below that.

(in Brittany's car)

Kevin - Um, babe, now I know it doesn't take this long to drive to school.

Brittany - Are you sure

Kevin - Oh man!