(at school, in gym class)

Ms. Morris - Okay ladies, listen up! Since it's focus on agility month for the rest of the class I want you all to work on your cartwheels, splits, and aerials. Brittany, that's a perfect split.

Brittany - Thanks Ms. Morris! Wow... Ah! (falls on her face)

(Daria and Jane sitting on bleachers)

Daria - Funny how all the drills for focus on agility month are the same ones you'd do if you were trying to sneak a cheerleader practice into regular gym class.

Jane - Yes! And I don't care to stand for it! They can have my squat thrust when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Daria - What?

Jane - I don't know. (sees Evan)

Daria - See something you like or just browsing?

Jane - I was thinking of getting those running shoes.

Daria - Uh huh. What color were they?

Jane - Just kick the bleachers out from underneath me okay?

Daria - Uh oh. Busted.

(Ms. Morris comes over)

Ms. Morris - Ladies, why aren't you exercising with the rest of the class?

Jane - We are exercising.

Daria - We're exercising our rights to obtain from cheerleader practice.

Ms. Morris - That's not cheerleading. It's agility. Jane Lane, you're just like your sisters. Aren't you?

Jane - We share certain chromosome pairs. Beyond that I'm not supposed to say.

Ms. Morris - You know what I mean. Can't be part of a group. Always have to be different. Your sister Penny never wanted to participate either. I taught her a thing or two about the American Competitive Spirit.

Jane - You sure did. That's why she spent the last ten years out of the country.

Ms. Morris - I know what kind of upbringing she's had. What's your excuse?

Daria - I'm just plain no good?

Ms. Morris - Life's just one big smartass joke isn't it? Well I'm here to prepare you for the real world. I'll see you both after school to makeup this class.

Brittany - Can somebody help me? Please? (in the hallway)

Kevin - Yo! How come you look so down Mack Daddy?

Mack - Don't call me that. I think I screwed up that ethics test today. How'd you do?

Kevin - Pretty good.

Mack - Wait a minute! You weren't even there today! You cut class on the day of a mid-term?

Kevin - I was excused. I didn't have to take the test. Coach talked to the teacher and I got by.

Mack - You mean you got a buy?

Kevin - Yeah that's it. Coach says I have to maintain a C average to stay on the team. So he took care of it or something.

Mack - Hey that's not fair! I'm on the team and I have to study!

Kevin - I'm the QB Mack Daddy.

Mack - I told you a million times. Don't call me that! When are you gonna get through your thick skull already?!

Mack - (walks away)

Kevin - If that's how you feel all you had to do was say so bro. So bro, what's wrong bro?

Mack - (sighs)

Daria - Did you here that?

Jane - Whoever said life was fair.

Daria - I don't know but I bet he was a quarterback.

Jane - You know I had this weird anxiety dream where we had this pop quiz in math that I was totally unprepared for.

Daria - Were you in your underwear?

Jane - No, that's how I figured out it wasn't a dream.

Daria - Uh oh. Not a great score on the quiz?

Jane - My straight C average is in serious danger of becoming a D so I'm off to study hall.

Daria - To finish your nap?

Jane - You know me too well.

Mack - (walks by)

Kevin - You bro! What's wrong bro? I'm here for ya bro! Hey bro wait up!

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Jake - Gee Daria, you're home late from school today.

Daria - Quinn's always home this late.

Jake - Yeah, that's because she's always with some... Oh my gosh Daria you met a guy!

Daria - Actually I'm late because I had to make up gym class.

Jake - Oh you don't have to pretend with old Dad. Go on tell me. Who's the lucky fella? Gee Daria I hope he's not pressuring you to do anything?

Daria - All right you figured me out. He's a senior and he carves words into his arm. Together we're hoping to buck the odds against teen marriages.

Jake - That's a good one Daria.

Daria - I'm kidding.

Jake - Of course you are kiddo. I knew that.

Daria - Oh, if someone named Knuckles calls it's for me.

Helen - (walks in) Daria just getting home?

Daria - I had to makeup gym.

Helen - Really? Why?

Daria - The teacher was running a cheerleading practice during class so I sat out. I'm not gonna jump up and down like an idiot to prove to the world what I don't believe, which is that jocks are great.

Helen - Good for you honey! The only way that it will stop being a man's world is if we get the boys out there in their short shorts cheering too. Hmmm. What I mean is, this double standard has got to end. Right Jake?

Jake - Damn straight! Equal pay for equal work! Is that right?

Helen - Daria, I don't approve of refusing to participate in class but no daughter of mine is going to buy into the mind set that a woman's purpose in life is pleasing men.

Quinn - (walks in) Like my new shoes? They pinch my toes and give me blisters but they make my legs look hot so I'm gonna buy another pair.

(at school, in the hallway)

Jane - So Helen actually supported you on this gym class thing?

Daria - Her vestigial sense of right and wrong was acting up again. What does your mother think about it?

Jane - I don't know. When she gets back from the painted desert I'll ask her if she had a vision. You know I'd really like to show that Ms. Morris that the Lanes are no bunch of ordinary deadbeats.

Daria - Of course not. You're deadbeats with style.

Jane - Exactly! And speaking of style fashion fiends at high noon.

Sandi - Could you believe of joining an actual sport?

Stacy - You'd get all sweaty and your makeup would smudge.

Tiffany - You're supposed to date jocks not be one.

Quinn - Oh and I read in Waif that running makes your feet spread to a bigger shoe size which would look really really really bad.

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany - Eeeew.

Sandi - How are your feet in those new shoes Quinn?

Quinn - They're killing me.

Sandi - Oh that's too bad. What kind of loser would sign up for the track team?

Evan - You girls don't think I'm a loser do you?

Sandi - Are you asking if you can hang out with us?

Evan - Nope. I prefer women with a slightly more enlightened attitude towards fitness.

Sandi - Oh yeah? (leaves)

Evan - I guess you can be born in the 80's and still stuck in the 50's.

Jane - Hmm.

Evan - It's hard to believe that there is still anyone alive who think being athletic isn't ladylike.

Jane - Hmm.

Evan - Women can excel at any sport they put their minds too.

Daria - I definitely agree to that.

Jane - Me too. I'd like to sign up for the track team.

Daria - What?

(commercial break)

(at the track tryouts)

Ms. Morris - Miss Lane! What are you doing here?

Jane - Trying out for track team.

Ms. Morris - You won't participate in regular gym class but you want to join an extra curricular sport?

Jane - I like to run.

Ms. Morris - Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. (leaves)

Jane - I particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes.

Evan - She isn't your favorite teacher?

Jane - We have a score to settle.

Evan - I'm Evan by the way.

Jane - Jane.

Evan - So you think you're ready for track?

Jane - Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones.

Evan - I'm way ahead of ya.

(shows Walkman in jacket)

Jane - Until we get out there.

(at school, in the hallway)

Daria - You walking home?

Jane - Um, not today. Practice.

Daria So you made the track team.

Jane - Yeah... This is the part when you say, "Hey way to go! Congratulations!"

Daria - Hey way to go.

Jane - Congratulations?

Daria - Congratulations.

Jane - Now don't get mushy on me.

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

SSW - Are microbes having sex in your drinking water? H2-ugh! Next on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - Jane on a school team. That's pathetic. Hey, if she's the pathetic one why am I talking to myself? And more importantly why am I waiting for a reply?

Helen - (walks by)

(in the living room)

Sandi - Quinn it is so great of you to invite us over to watch the Miss Continents of the Earth Pageant.

Quinn - Oh Sandi it's so great of you to come over.

Tiffany - Quinn, your cousin or whatever sure spends a lot of time at your house.

Quinn - Yes, well, um, she has nowhere else to go, what with her parents in jail and all.

Tiffany - Look it's starting.

Daria - Shouldn't you all be running around in teddies giving each other makeovers by now?

Sandi - Mustard is not her color.

(sound of microwave beeping)

Quinn - Oh the no salt, no oil, fat free popcorn is ready!

Stacey - Popcorn!

Daria - Stop my mouth is watering. (watching the TV) Oh yeah I know I like to wear heels with my bathing suit.

Helen - (walks by)

Daria - And I never go swimming without my lip liner.

(in the kitchen)

Helen - Quinn, I need to ask you something.

Quinn - All right! So Tuesday night I wasn't washing cars for the United Way but Mom if you'd seen his boyish smile you'd understand.

Helen - Actually, I wanted to ask you to spend some time with your sister.

Quinn - Why don't you just lock me in the attic till I'm 25! I can't sacrifice anymore for her Mother! I just can't!

Helen - Quinn I'm worried. She's alone too much and I think she's talking to herself. Just give her an afternoon. She's do it for you.

Quinn - Should I agree to perform this sensitive and difficult task, and I'm not saying I will, what's in it for me?

Helen - I am disappointed that its come to this but you can take my credit card to the mall.

Quinn - Platinum.

Helen - Green.

Quinn - Gold.

Helen - Done. (in Daria's room)

Quinn - (knocks on door)

Daria - Someone's knocking. Come in.

Quinn - Hi Daria! How's it going?

Daria - Okay out with it.

Quinn - I was thinking that maybe you and I could know ya know do something together?

Daria - All right. Who are you and where are you hiding Quinn?

Quinn - What? Can't a sister spend time with her...

Daria - Cousin?

Quinn - All right Mom is forcing me to hang out with you.

Daria - Forcing?

Quinn - I've got her gold card.

Daria - Why didn't you just say so? Give me the first cash advance and you can come with me to the library.

Quinn - The library? If anyone saw me there I'd die!

Daria - Okay then how about the mall? You know where all your friends hang out.

(at the library)

Quinn - Um hi.

(three boys walk up to Quinn)

Boy 1 - Will you read to me?

Boy 2 - I really like stories.

Boy 3 - You don't have to tell me a story, just talk.

Quinn reading - So Jack and Jill went up the hill or whatever to the sample sale where Jill found the perfect ensemble and jack gave it to her for the one month anniversary of their first date.

Boy - Hey Quinn! I just came by to pick up my little brother from story hour. I didn't know you were a reader.

Quinn - Hi Calvin! I'm not exactly...

Calvin - That's really cool. I mean you're popular you don't have to volunteer.

Quinn - Oh well you know I get back more than I give. I mean the children appreciate it so. Uh librarian could you return these magazines for me? Thanks a bunch dear. (gives magazines to Daria) So where are you guys heading now? (leaves)

Daria - (reads cover of magazine) Thin thighs for your man. But I don't like men with thin thighs!

(at school, in the hallway)

Daria - Land that big sneaker endorsement yet?

Jane - Nah, they didn't meet my price. Today is my first track meet. I wouldn't mind if you were there.

Daria - Oh well you know how I hate to cancel my line dancing lessons, but okay.

Jane - Cool.

Daria - Question is am I supporting my friend or her surrender to the system? (looks at Andrea ) Do you mind? This is a private conversation.

(at the track meet)

Trent - Hey Daria.

Daria - Trent? What are you doing here?

Trent - I came to support Janey... They're power scrubbing my room again. Anyway this running stuff means a lot to her.

Daria - Uh huh.

Trent - What she's doing takes guts. All that practicing day in day out.

Daria - Yeah.

Trent - And what for? So a crowd of drunks can make your art the backdrop to their pathetic mating dance. They don't care about your dream. They just want something loud going on so they don't have to talk.

Daria - Um, we're not discussing Jane anymore are we?

Mack - Hey! Jane's good!

Jodie - She's great!

Daria - Go, go. Kick butt.

(at the pizza place)

Daria - And you missed a lot of really good TV while you were at practice yesterday. They had this special, "When Animals Hold a Grudge."

Jodie - Jane you were amazing! First place!

Mack - Yeah, congratulations.

Jane - Thanks. I just pretend I'm running away from the pep rally.

Kevin - Yo bro!

Mack - Gotta go.

Daria - So anyway this one parakeet was really ticked off at his owner for not changing it's water...

Evan - Hey teammate. Did you see this girl run like the wind?

Daria - Have you ever heard her break wind?

Jane - Daria!

Evan - He, he, he! That's pretty funny. See you at practice speedy.

Daria - So anyway the parakeet waits until it's owner...

Jane - Geez Daria what the hell was that all about?

Daria - What?

Kevin - Hey, hey, hey it's the track star! You're gonna like being a jock man. When you're a winner everyone wants to be your friend.

Daria - Not like those boring friends you used to have who liked you even when you lost.

Jane - You mean the ones who make incredibly humiliating jokes at my expense?

Daria - Oh come on.

Jane - You come on Daria. So I tried something different. I went out on a limb and participated in something and it worked out. Why do you have to be so pissy about it? (leaves)

Kevin - Uh, babe this is really awkward right?

Brittany - Yeah babe.

Kevin - It's creeping me out.

Brittany - Aw Kevy, come on. Nurse Brittany gonna make you feel all better.

Daria - (pours soda onto pizza)

(Commercial)

(at school, in gym class)

Daria - All right so I thought I was making a joke but I was really humiliating you in front of this guy you like

Jane - Appreciate.

Daria - This guy you appreciate, which was stupid and insensitive so I'm an idiot and I'm sorry okay?

Jane - Not so fast. How do I know that this is a sincere apology and not a cheap ploy to get back on my good side?

Daria - Why does there have to be a difference?

Jane - I accept.

Daria - Thank you. Pizza after school?

Jane - I wish I could. Practice.

Daria - I guess we better join the rest of the cheerleaders before we get detention again.

Jane - Don't worry about it.

Daria - What do you mean?

Ms. Morris - How are the legs Jane?

Jane - Okay. Maybe a little soar after the meet.

Ms. Morris - Soar? You better rest up for tomorrow. Here go watch TV in my office.

Jane - I don't know. I don't really want to be all by myself.

Ms. Morris - Ms. Morgendorffer. You join her.

Daria - Yes ma'am. Anything for the team ma'am. So that's your arch enemy?

Jane - Do you think it's hypercritical of me to accept favors from a woman I despise?

Daria - Does she have cable?

Jane - Let's find out.

Brittany - Ow! Help!

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Daria - Oh, they're eating dinner. Should I sit down and join them or fake a headache? I'm not feeling too well. I think I'll eat later.

Quinn - Oh boy coo coo girl's at it again.

Helen - I'm really worried. She's been acting like this for days.

Jake - It's that guy Knuckles! I tell you, he's messing with her head!

Helen- Quinn, I thought you said you'd spend some time with your sister.

Quinn - Oh yeah, here.

Helen - What's this?

QUinn - Well that one's my time sheet showing the hours and locations where I baby-sat Daria, and that other one's a receipt for my new pleather jacket. Thanks!

Jake - 300 dollars!

Quinn - Dad it's very difficult to keep her amused. Oh, and when the cash advance shows up on the statement, don't blame me. That's Daria.

(at school, in the hallway) Daria - How did the math test go? Jane - I passed. Daria - You hope. Jane - I know. Daria - Well aren't we confident. If I had as much trouble in... You got a buy on the test didn't you?

Jane - I probably would of gotten a C anyway.

Daria - I can't believe it!

Jane - Hey you watched TV with me instead of going to gym.

Daria - So?

Jane - So that was one perk of being on the team. The math test was another.

Daria - You don't see any difference?

Jane - Yeah. The math test was a hell of a lot better.

Daria - Give me a break. (leaves)

Evan - What's up with your friend?

Jane - Oh I rubbed her self righteousness the wrong way.

Evan - I don't know why you hang out with her anyway.

Jane - What do you mean?

Evan - Well you're sort of a sports star now. It's not so cool to be hanging around with, ya know losers.

Jane - Yeah you're right. I've been spending too much time with losers. (leaves)

Evan - I'm glad you... see it my way.

(in Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Daria - Admit it. She had a point. Who am I to criticize her when I was getting spillover perks. God I wish she's just quit the damn team. It's corrupting me.

Jane - (knocks on door)

Daria - I'll get it.

Jane - Yo. It's me.

Daria - (opens door) Act natural. You're not hurt.

Jane - What?

Daria - Huh?

Jane - Look I've been thinking and you're right. It was really screwed up of me to take a buy on that math test. I should of gone in there and failed it on my own.

Daria - They gave you the chance to cut a corner. I can't blame you for taking it.

Jane - This all happened because I was trying to prove to Ms. Morris that I'm not a deadbeat.

Daria - And that Evan guy factors in exactly how?

Jane - That jerk. I can't believe you thought he was cute.

Daria - Yeah, aren't I a dope. Hey don't you have practice now?

Jane - Yeah. I quit.

Daria - What?

Jane - I quit. I'm afraid I might come out of high school knowing as much as Kevin.

Daria - You came out of kindergarten knowing more than Kevin.

Jane - Remind me of that when he gets his football scholarship.

(at school, in the hallway)

Jane - Um, I'll bring the spikes back tomorrow, honest.

Ms. Morris - Jane I wish you would consider coming back to the team.

Jane - Thanks but I stand by my decision.

Ms. Morris - Jane I wish you would consider coming back to the team.

Jane - Am I missing something?

Ms. Morris - The team needs you and you need the team if you don't want to be here taking math this summer.

Jane - Gee that almost sounds like blackmail. Fortunately I can pull up my math grade on my own.

Ms. Morris - Then I'll flunk you.

Jane - Why don't I just go to Ms. Li and expose this whole grade changing arrangement?

Ms. Morris - She already knows.

Jane - Okay then back off or I'll tell the PTA.

Ms. Morris - They know too.

Jane - Congress?

Ms. Morris - You're beaten Lane.

Jane - How about if I call the three local TV stations and tell;; each one that the other two are running the story?

Ms. Morris - Damn.

Evan - I really don't get you.

Jane - No you don't. (puts on headphones.)

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Daria - What happened to your come and get it heels?

Quinn - Ha, ha, Daria. I decided I shouldn't wear shoes that kill me just because they make my legs look hot.

Helen - Why Quinn how mature!

Quinn - I mean my legs look hot no matter what I wear. They probably even look good in those things that you have on.

(at school, in Gym class)

Daria - I didn't think things could get anymore pathetic than this. Obviously I was wrong.

Ms. Morris - Come on ladies. You have a lot of making up to do.

Jane - Tell me that at least I still have my integrity.

Daria - Integrity's a funny word.

Jane - Well than at least tell me that I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks.

Daria - You refuse to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exchanged for athletic performance but you didn't try to reform the system either.

Jane - For fear of complete teenage exile.

Daria - Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway.

Jane - Come on now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture.

Daria - You know what?

Jane - What?

Daria - They are trying to prepare us for the real world.

Brittany - Daria! Jane! Come on, it's time for splits! (falls on her face) Ow!

(closing credits)