(outside)

Daria - We can bake cupcakes and pretend you're really popular for a day.

Jane - Will there be poding rods?

Daria - Do you have any ideas?

Jane - I just don't feel like celebrating birthday. It's a totally artificial holiday created to stimulate the economy.

Daria - Aren't birthdays the one holiday that the greeting card industry didn't make up?

Jane - That's what they want you to believe.

Daria - Okay, okay, no party and no presents.

Jane - Who said no presents?

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Helen - Great pizza, honey.

Daria - Ow!

Jake - Oh my gosh Daria, Helen, heimlich!

Daria - Relax Dad, it's just cheese burn.

Quinn - You're such a pain wimp Daria. You know Dad you really should get cheeseless pizza anywise, it's much healthier.

Jake - Cheeseless pizza! What a great idea! Hey, hey, can I have that?

Helen - What's this and who opened it?

Quinn - Don't worry, it's not going to happen.

Helen - A mother daughter fashion show at school to raise money?

Daria - And conscienceness.

Jake - What a great idea!

Quinn - The fashion club has already scheduled an emergency meeting. We'll put a stop to it.

Daria - Don't want a bunch of smelly amateurs stinking up your catwalks?

Quinn - Right Daria. You can't just mix with fashion civilians when you have an image to uphold.

Helen - Well, that's a relief. I mean, who wants to parade around showing off some ridiculous outfit.

Quinn - With your mother! Oops. (phone rings)

Jake - Hello?

Trent - Hello? May I please speak to your daughter?

Jake - Just a sec. Quinn honey, it's for you.

Quinn - Who is it Daddy?

Jake - I didn't catch his name.

Quinn - I hope it's not Adam. I was going to cancel on him to go out with Simon but then Todd called so I'm not sure but if it's Brice maybe I'll go out with him instead and cancel on Simon anyway since he hasn't even asked yet.

Daria - Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

Quinn - Hello!

Trent - Who's this?

Quinn - You called me duh.

Trent - I didn't call you.

Quinn - Well excuse me. I think he's selling something. Tell him off Mom.

Helen - Hello? Don't you think it's a little late to be soliciting people?

Trent - Uh, sorry. I didn't think seven o'clock was late, but uh, is Daria in bed already?

Helen - Daria? Who are you?

Trent - Um, this is Trent, Jane's brother.

Helen - Daria, it's Trent, Jane's brother.

Daria - Trent? Jane's brother? For me?

Helen - Yes, but he does sound a little confused.

Daria - Um...

Trent - This is Daria, right?

(in Daria's room)

Daria - You can hang up now. I got it! Hang up!

Jake - You have the phone kiddo.

Daria - Okay, thanks, I'll hang up myself then. Hi Trent. Sorry about that. Trent? Trent? Trent?

Trent - Hey Daria.

Daria - Uh, hi. What's up? Trent? Are you awake?

Trent - I, uh, need to ask you something.

Daria - Me?

Trent- Yeah, you.

Daria - So...

Trent - So...

Daria - So, you wanted to ask me something?

Trent - Right, right, and uh, yeah, that sounds excellent. See you then. Bye.

Jane - Who was that?

Trent - What?

Jane - Who were you just speaking to?

Trent - What's it to you?

Jane - You're acting really weird, that's all.

Trent - I'm acting weirder than usual?

Jane - None of your trick questions young man, you're behaving strangely.

Trent - You're the strange one.

Jane - You are!

Trent - You.

Jane - Where are you going?

Trent - Who are you, Mom?

Jane - No, Mom would never ask where you're going.

Trent - Exactly.

Jane - Rrrrrrredial!

Daria - Hello? Trent? Hello? Anyone there? Trent, is that you?

Quinn - Daria!

Daria - Ah!

Quinn - Daria, the downstairs members of the household would like the cordless phone back now please.

(in the living room)

Quinn - (sighs)

Helen - What is it Quinn?

Quinn - Nothing.

Jake - You can tell us sweetie, what's got you blue?

Quinn - It's just that, I'd look so good on a runway.

(in Daria's room)

SSW - He gave her his kidney. She gave him her heart! Transplants and romance when Sick, Sad World continues.

Trent - Daria?

Daria - Yes, Trent?

Trent - Wanna hear a song I wrote, for you?

Daria - You wrote me a song?

Trent - You're my muse you know.

Daria - Really?

Trent - It's called, silly little self-deluded girl. Why would a cool guy like me ever write a song about you?

(phone rings)

Quinn - Hello? Oh hi Sandi! Really! That sounds cute. I guess that's cute. Yes, definitely cute. Yeah, that would be cute but... I'll think about it. Bye! Poor Sandi. Her Mom insists on her being in the fashion show.

Helen - She would. She's awfully full of herself. Don't you think?

Quinn - We're cuter then them!

Helen - Cuter than they.

Quinn - Damn right!

Helen - Linda is very attractive.

Quinn - You're definitely cuter than Sandi's Mom, Mom.

Helen - This is silly.

Quinn - If Sandi can be in it, then everyone should be allowed to be in it. I'm vice-president of the fashion club. We have to win!

Helen - But it's not a competitive event.

Quinn - Oh, it will be.

(doorbell rings)

Jake - (opens door)

(commercial break)

Trent - Hi.

Jake - Quinn! Your date is here!

Trent - Actually, I'm...

Quinn - God Dad, are you kidding?

Jake - Gee, I'm sorry young man, but you know how girls can be. Just give her some time son, give her some time.

Trent - Is Daria home?

Jake - Daria! Who are you?

(in the living room)

Jake - So, you're here to see Daria.

Trent - Yeah.

Helen - Daria's a very special girl, isn't she.

Trent - Uh, sure.

Jake - How old are you Trent?

Trent - What?

Jake - Are you in school? Do you have a job? Life isn't just one free handout after another you know. How many earrings in that ear?

Helen - Daria's mentioned that you have some sort of band.

Trent - Mystik Spiral. But we're thinking of changing our name.

Daria - Um, Mom? Dad? Quinn's on the phone in the kitchen ordering a convertible.

Jake - Oh my god!

(outside)

Trent - I didn't mean to hang up on you before. Janey walked in and I couldn't think of what to say.

Daria - Oh. That's okay.

Trent - Daria, I...

Daria - Yes?

Trent - I want you to help me pick out a birthday present for Jane.

Daria - Oh.

Trent - Every year I end up getting her art supplies. Can you help me out?

Daria - Anything for Jane.

Trent - Thanks Daria. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Not too early. Sometime before lunch. Or after.

Daria - Um, okay.

Trent - Or, better yet, why don't we leave it loose.

(in the kitchen)

Quinn - Don't do it!

Helen - Quinn, what is the matter with you?

Quinn - Coffee, caffeine, dark circles. Kapeesh? Fashion show Mom! Don't handicap yourself!

Helen - Quinn, I need my coffee.

Quinn - Woman loses fashion show due to pathetic addiction. Daughter shamed for life. Come on, the spa's about to open anyway.

Helen - Daria, last chance to join us for a mother-daughter day of beauty. It's very relaxing.

Daria - Once you pass out from the pain.

(car honk)

Quinn - Who's that? I don't have a date now.

Daria - I think it's for me.

(in the car)

Daria - I wasn't expecting you for a couple hours.

Trent - I came straight from rehearsal. We ran late. Or early. Whatever. So, where should be go?

Daria - Um, I was thinking...

Trent - No art supplies. We decided already. Don't want to get her a CD, and I can't set foot in a bookstore. Don't ask me why Daria, I just don't want to talk about it. What are your ideas?

Daria - A fuzzy little bunny?

Trent - Let's just go to Dega Street. I'm sure we'll find something there.

(at the spa)

Quinn - I was thinking that we could both wear cigarette trousers. I can wear the halter top and you can wear the more neirut jacket thing. And remember Mom, cute is not a look, it's not an attitude, it's a way of being.

Spa lady - She's a little chatterbox, isn't she?

Quinn - We're in training. She's going to be my mother and I'm going to be her daughter in a fashion show. Actually, she is my mother and I'm her daughter in real life too. Mom?

Helen - What?

(on Dega Street)

Trent - Hey, Daria, what do you think?

Daria - Um, wouldn't that be more for you, than for Jane?

Trnet - That's a really good point.

Daria - I just don't see Jane in tie-die.

Trent - You'd look good in that.

Daria - Um, well, thanks.

Trent - Hey!

Daria - Body piercing? Jane?

Trent - Haven't you always wanted to get pierced?

Daria - No. It just seems too much like getting tortured for the sake of some subculture's notion of beauty.

(at the spa)

Spa lady - Now the dryers will blast heat on your head for twenty minutes or until you can't take it anymore.

Helen - Can't you just wrap a warm towel over my head?

Spa Lady - I'll lower the temperature if I smell something cinging.

Quinn - Not for me, full blast please.

Helen - Quinn!

Quinn - I have really high pain tolerance for hair care treatments.

(at the piercing parlor)

Axl - Hey Trent, just so you know, we're having a two for one special.

Trent - Hey, that's cool Axl. Eleven bucks each. What do you think Daria?

Axl - Take a look at our piercing menu.

Daria - I don't think that's how you spell uvula.

Axl - It's not uvula.

Trent - I've been wanting a hole right here.

Daria - You can never have too many holes in your head.

Trent - Come on Daria, let's get the special.

Daria - I guess I could pierce my ears.

Axl - Eh, no can do. Special's one hole isn't two holes, full retail price applies.

Trent - That's too boring anyhow Daria. You gotta do something fun.

Daria - Fun?

Axl - You'd look nice with a lip ring.

Daria - Are you going to let him talk to me that way?

Trent - I know what would look cool. A little silver hoop.

Axl - Yeah, okay, the navel ring works. It's a start at least.

Daria - I am not going to pierce my belly button. It never did anything to me.

Trent - Daria, it would look really hot.

(in the back room)

Axl - Hey, you are 18 aren't you? I should've asked.

Daria - Is it a problem if I'm not?

Axl - Yeah, you'll need parental permission. This establishment is licensed to serve adults only and operate strictly according to the letter of the law.

Trent - She is.

Axl - Right. (sounds of door opening) My apprentice is out today. I better go see who that is.

Monique - Hey Axl, it's just me!

Axl - Hello darling.

Monique - Axl, I need some more of that antiseptic stuff for my nose ring. Oh, Trent!

Trent - Hey Monique, how's it going?

Monique - Pretty good!

Trent - How are the Heartbeats?

Monique - I'm thinking of leaving. For real this time. Start my own band.

Trent - You could do it Monique. You've got stage presence. No kidding.

Monique - I learned from the best man.

Trent - Aw, stop it. Monique used to be in a band with me. Oh hey Monique, this is Daria, my kid sister's friend.

Monique - Hey Daria!

Daria - Hey.

Trent - Daria's like the coolest high schooler I know.

(at Cashmans)

Quinn - That'll be good on me. That's cute for me. Me, me, me, me, me, possibly Mom, me, me...

Helen - Quinn, this just isn't working.

Eric - Helen?

Helen - Eric!

Eric - This is Jasmin, my niece. I'm buying her a birthday present.

Jasmin - Hi!

Helen - Hello Jasmin. Quinn, this is Eric from work. And Eric, this is Quinn, she's going to be my daughter and I'm going to be her mother in a fashion show. Actually, she is my daughter and I was just trying to be a good parent oh my god, what have I done?

Jasmin - I like that skirt Uncle Eric. I mean, I'd like it on me.

Eric - Hmmm...

(at the piercing parlor)

Daria - Have I mentioned that I hate pain?

Axl - This won't hurt, it's not worse than popping a pimple.

Daria - Ow!

Axl - I haven't done anything yet.

Daria - I was thinking about how much it hurts to pop a pimple.

Axl - I can't concentrate if you keep shaking.

Trent - I'll help you through this Daria, here.

Daria - What's that?

Trent - That's my hand, give me yours. It's pretty clean Daria.

Daria - No, I, um, sorry.

Trent - The best thing to do is not think about it. Then it won't hurt.

Daria - It doesn't hurt.

Trent - Huh?

Daria - What?

Trent - Daria?

Axl - Try not to take out the ring for at least six months or it will close up and we'll have to pierce it again. Don't get scared when the mucus starts poring out, put some of this antiseptic stuff on, and take 50 milligrams a day of some metal or rather. Zinc, aluminum, I forget.

Daria - You did it? I'm pierced?

Trent - Yup.

(commercial break)

(at school, in the bathroom)

Daria - Psst!

Jane - Oh no. The toilet is talking to me again.

Daria - Psst! Lane!

Jane - Talking toilet you may call me Jane. Oh, it's you! Did I just see what I think I saw?

Daria - You didn't see a weeping virgin or anything did you?

Jane - Do that again. I can't believe you had the nerve.

Daria - Neither can I. It was Trent's idea.

Jane - So you did go out with Trent.

Daria - Shopping for your birthday present. Oops, he wanted to surprise you.

Jane - Any he got me a hole in your navel. That is a surprise.

Daria - I don't know how it happened. But there we were, and there he was, and there was this two for one special. Oh my god, what have I done?

Jane - Oh dear, our little girl's becoming a woman.

Daria - Shut up.

Jane - Don't you get it Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.

Daria - I didn't do it for a guy. I did it so Trent could get the special.

Jane - Oh. That's different. Hey, what did you end up getting me?

Daria - I can't say.

Jane - I hope it's art tools. I need some new supplies.

Daria - I did do it for a guy didn't I.

Jane - Oh yeah.

Daria - It itches like hell. And I'm not showing anybody else.

Jane - Just keep your shirt tucked in. No one will know. Hey Jodie! Check out Daria's navel ring.

Jodie - Really? That's kind of cool

Daria - It is?

Jodie - Yeah! As long as you didn't just do it for some guy.

Daria - Right. That would be bad.

(at Daria's house, in the bathroom)

Quinn - You didn't really do that.

Daria - Do what?

Quinn - That!

Daria - Oh, this old thing? I only wear it when I don't care how my navel looks.

Quinn - Oh, I get it. You're trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion. I've seen those fake rings Daria.

Daria - So have I. And they don't do this. They don't itch like this either.

Quinn - Mom and Dad are going to freak!

Daria - Do you think you should be upsetting Mom or Dad on the eve of your competition? It'll just be our little secret, sis.

Quinn - Ugh!

(in Daria's room)

Daria - You may be fashion forward but you itch like hell.

(at Jane's house)

Jane - What are you doing here? School's not for hours.

Daria - It's gone!

Jane - What's gone?

Daria - I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

Jane - You didn't take the ring?

Daria - Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane - I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous.

Daria - Gee, maybe E.T. came into my room and touched my navel while I slept.

Jane - Boy Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Daria - Don't tell Trent.

Jane - About E.T.?

Daria - About my belly-button.

Jane - What does he care?

Daria - Just don't say anything when he wakes up. Okay?

Jane - That won't happen for hours. Maybe days.

Trent - Hey Daria.

Jane - Trent?

Daria - Late rehearsal?

Trent - Or early. Whatever. So your piercing closed up?

Daria - It was an accident.

Trent - Yeah, that happens a lot.

Jane - And it doesn't make you a geek, right?

Trent - Of course not. Tell you what, when you're ready, we'll go down and get you a tattoo. They last forever.

(at the fashion show)

Quinn - I love Tiffany, I really do.

Stacy - She's so smushy!

Quinn - But isn't there something a little strange about her mother?

Stacy - She told the agency she wanted the prettiest model they had.

Quinn - I guess it's okay. I mean, look at Brittany.

Stacy - There should've been a rule about step-mothers.

Helen - Quinn, we're next.

Quinn - Remember Mom, think cute. Confident, up, totally ah! Totally humiliating!

(at the club)

Jane - You still haven't told me what present Trent came up with.

Daria - Be patient, and all will be revealed.

Trent - Hello. We're Mystik Spiral. And I wanna say happy birthday to my sister, Jane.

Jesse - This is for you Jane.

Trent - Little sister, little sister, you came into my life like a twister, what can I get you that haven't taken? What can I get you that hasn't been killed by corruption and greed? What can I get you that isn't tie-dyed, or just like you already have, or plastic, or not alive, or so sad...

Trent and Jesse - Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here! Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here! Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here!

Jane - By the way, thanks for the cool art supplies.

Daria - Somebody had to do it.

(in the kitchen)

Quinn - All that work, all the preparation. Why? Why me?

Helen - Honey it was just a little school fund raiser. You'll have other moments in the sun.

Quinn - But none with you Mom.

Helen - Aw, that's so sweet.

Quinn - Nope, none with you. No freaking way.

Helen - Quinn, isn't there anything that will make you feel better?

Quinn - Yes. Yes there is.

(in the living room)

Jake - We want to see your belly button young lady and we want to see it now.

Daria - What are you talking about?

Helen - Out with it!

Daria - Do you have a problem with innies?

Helen - Quinn, what's the matter with you?

Jake - Your sister's not pierced, why would you scare us like that?

Quinn - But is was there yesterday!

Daria - Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? Boy, I'm tired. Good night everybody.

Quinn - She was pierced, pierced I tell you! Oh the humanity!

(closing credits)