[opening theme song]

"Sick Sad World" TV Announcer - They broke into her bedroom, she burst into song, the innappropriate alto next on sick sad world!

[Helen & Jake's Bedroom]

Jake - I got a big wheel rolling in my heart.

Helen - I really don't know what that's supposed to mean.

Jake - It means a Lawndale morning's gonna start.

Helen - Put on your pants, we're seeing more than should be seen.

People outside - I'll say!

Helen - Today I'll be the perfect working wife and mother.

Jake - Today I'll show my clients that this man is strong.

Helen - But oh today's book up like every other.

Jake - I'll probably tell them they are right and I am wrong.

Both - But still it's morning in the 'burbs.

[Quinn's room]

Quinn - It's such a great I wish I could buy it! I look so good it makes my eyeballs hurt. Does this go with that top? Should I try it?

Mirror Image of Quinn - Put on any shirt or skirt, you'd even look good wearing dirt.

Quinn - Thanks! On this morning in the 'burbs.

[Daria's room, Daria in bed]

Daria - Oh me oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and resume my yawning. And get my sleeping in class instead of in my bed.

[Kitchen]

Jake - Morning Helen

Helen - Morning Jake.

Jake - Hair look all right?

Quinn - [walks in] Looks kind of fake.

Jake - Great, and now my leave I'll take, it's off to work I go.

Helen - What's the weather like today? [turns on tv]

Weatherman - Maybe a hurricane on the way.

Helen - But it's such a lovely day.

Quinn - What does science know?

Daria - [walks in] Oh that's great. The toast is cold. What tales of nothing will unfold.

Everyone - Here on this same old morning in the 'burbs! [singing ends]

[in line at the school cafeteria]

Brittany - Oh my gosh! Look at the jell-o!

Daria - It's jiggling.

Jane - Worried about the competition?

Brittany - Don't you see? It changed into school colors for pep rally. There really is a school spirit. Spooky.

Daria - Pep Rally Day?

Jane - Hmm I guess we'd better change alternative plans.

Daria - Hello, Mr. Roof.

[pep rally]

Mack - [at microphone] Um, as captain of the team I want to say that there are some things that are more important than winning...

Kevin - Yeah! Like kicking some damn butt! Whoo-hoo! We're the champions my friends. I'm the QB!

[cheering]

Principal Li - Excuse me. Everybody simmer down. Calm down! Calm down! That little hurricane advisory has turned into a hurricane warning!

Jamie - Are we all gonna die?

Principal Li - Not on school property. You're all to go home.

Kevin - What about the big game?

Principal Li - [beat] Canceled.

All - No!

[singing]

Principal Li - Yes. Now Everybody out everybody out. An ordered quiet exit is what exiting's all about.

Mr. DeMartino - You will not scream or howl -- or shout!

All - Everybody out everybody out.

Upchuck - Rrr, but what if what if what if the town blew away?

Kevin - What would the football players play?

Fashion Club - Where would we shop all day.

DeMartino & Bennett - Would we still get 3 months off with pay?

Oneill & Barch - If the town blew away.

Jodie - Nowhere isn't anywhere I'd want to live.

Mack - Nowhere makes Lawndale seem all right.

Jodie - Nowhere's an address that's very difficult to give

Upchuck - When you ask for a ride home of Friday night.

Brittany - I hope you're not too sad that you don't get to play.

Kevin - I am. But I think the weather's fine. X-files says this is just a sneaky way the authorities create like a natural disaster thing to cover up the real reason the game's canceled. I mean, big game, big storm, coincedence?

Football players - Well, we're not falling for their line.

Brittany - Come on Kevie, don't be mad, I've got a way to make you glad. Let's go up to some other place.

Kevin - Hey that's cool babe. Let's go suck face.

[Daria & Jane on roof]

Daria - Hey look at what the newspaper is saying.

Jane - What?

Daria - It says a great big storm is on the way.

Jane - Cool

Daria - A roof's not really where we should be staying.

Jane - Why?

Daria - Because this big-assed storm is happening today.

Jane - What if the town blew away?

Daria - My sister would have nowhere to stay.

Jane - The mall would be gone and that's okay.

Both - Down on your knees and begin to pray that the town blows away.

[speaking]

Daria - Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after its obliterated.

Jane - You know being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.

Daria - I'm sure they already are.

[They come across Kevin and Brittany making out]

Daria - Oh look a hurricane of passion.

Brittany - Hi!

Daria - I hate to interrupt but the newspaper said there's a big storm coming.

Jane - You might want to take your wholesome sports activites indoors.

Kevin - Wait, the newspaper said that? Aw, man! I thought Ms. Li was just covering it up.

Brittany - Yeah, she was messing with our minds.

Jane - Why doesn't that add up for me?

Kevin - Ladies first... [knocks out wood locking door] ... no!

Daria - Great, now not only are we going to die, but the headlines will read "Quarterback and others perish"

[singing]

Daria - I always knew that I would die in Nowheresville.

Jane - But, I didn't think that I'd die there quite so soon.

Kevin - Hey this is like that video "When scary storms kill!"

Brittany - Will being dead wreck my afternoon?

All - If the town blows away.

[Helen's office]

Secretary - Um, Helen, I was wondering if there's nothing else to do, if I could go home and say good bye to my loved ones.

Helen - Oh I suppose I can send this fax myself.

Secretary - Thank you!

Helen - Kiss the kids goodbye for me! I mean good night! Damn.

Erik - Helen! What are you doing here? There's a hurricane coming. I know I never said it before but [singing] Helen, Oh Helen, you're so swell..en [stops] ah damn! I'll e-mail you.

Helen - Don't worry about me. I've just got a bit of this and that to wrap up. Now, where's my appointment book?

[clothing store]

Quinn - this one doesn't make so much noice.

Sandi - But Quinn aren't you afraid that you look like a hefty bag? Not that you do.

Stacey - Uh uh

Tiffany - No way.

worker - Sorry, Ladies, the store's closing. The hurricane.

Sandi - Let's get out of here while there's still time to walk. Running for your life is sooo geeky.

Tiffany - Oh no. Wind...hair.

Sandi - Come on, Quinn. We'll come back tomorrow and find another color that doesn't make you look quite so ... sick.

Quinn - We'll find a better color tomorrow? [sings] Don't they know I can't leave yet? Why don't they know it's easy to see. That I can't go till I'm dressed perfectly.

[Helen's office]

Helen - Why don't they guess, its more than a quirk, I've got to confess, I'm addicted to work.

Quinn - A shrink would have a field day with my head.

Helen - If he listened to the sentence I just said.

Pictures - Obsessing kids and moms just might be ticking bombs.

Helen and Quinn - So I'll keep it to myself instead.

Quinn - It doesn't really matter what I do or wear.

Helen - I could do a half-assed job and nobody would care.

Picture - But wowing colleagues and friends are the greatest of life's ends.

Both - When life ends at least it ends with style and flair.

Helen - Coming in second wouldn't be the worst.

Quinn - As long a sno one else was first.

Helen - Oh don't they know?

Quinn - tell them it's so

Both - Don't they know I can't leave yet

[singing stops]

[pager beeps]

Quinn - Okay, Mom. I'm coming home. I'll be the one in the Hefty bag.

[Jake in car on phone]

Answering Machine - Hello! You've reached the Morgendorffer residence. No one's home right now.

Jake - What do you mean no one's home right now? Daria? Quinn? Please get home to answer the damn phone!

[singing]

Jake - I got a foot on the gas and hammer in my head thinking about my girls and the ways they might be dead. They should be safe at home and warm by the fire Instead of warming up to sing in that heavenly choir. Gah Gah dammit!

Man - Learn to drive jerk!

Jake - Gah Gah Dammit!

Boy - Glad you got your horn to work

Jake - Gah Gah Dammit!

Man - Stay in your lane!

Jake - There's a hurricane coming and I'm going insane!

Man - Quit swearing like a drunkard and get right with the Lord.

Woman - We're a very moral family and we've got a baby on board.

Jake - And I say Gah gah dammit!

Man and Woman - Oh me oh my

Jake - Gah gah dammit!

Man and Woman - We hope you die!

People - You tell them Jack!

Jake - I think I see my turn so you better get back.

[end of song]

[Daria's house]

Helen - Now, let's see... We've got the windows taped up, emergency supervisions, spare batteries... Oh! I wish I knew that your father and Daria were safe. Quinn, what are you doing?

Quinn - Making cocoa

Helen - why?

Quinn - I saw this TV movie about this really cute family of teens that got stranded during a hurricane. When they got nervous they'd drink cocoa.

Helen - Now sweetie, there's nothing to worry about [door slams] Looters!

Jake - Helen! Quinn! Daria?

Helen - Oh no, I was hoping she was with you.

Jake - You mean she's out there in that maelstrom Oh God no!

Helen - It's not actually raining yet Jake

Quinn - She's probably at her friends house.

Jake - Yes yes that's where she is. [picks up phone] Hello? Hello!

Helen - Quinn, pour your father some of that cocoa.

[Trent's room]

Trent - hello? No Daria's not here, you want the Morgendorffers.

Jake - Ah AH AHH! I am the Morgendorffers!

Helen - Give me that! Hello, Trent? You haven't seen the girls? ... Are your parents there? ... Are they in town at all? ... Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane? Yes Hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over here and wait for the girls here... Well, put some on! And get over here right now, young man! [hangs up] Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants any more?

[on roof]

Daria - It's like this, if we don't go in that water tank shack we'll blow off the roof and die.

Brittany - but it looks so...

Jane - I believe icky's the word you're groping for.

[inside the tool shed]

Daria - Umm Brittany, would you mind pointing those things in another directon

Brittany - Sorry

Daria - My parents are probably starting to worry.

Jane - I know mine would if they were in town.

Daria - What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.

Jane - I'll bet he's snoring

[singing]

Jane - Our families and friends

Daria - busy saving their rear ends

Jane - May have overlooked an absent teen or two.

Kevin - But by now they're catching on. That two well-liked kids are gone.

Brittany - and I'll bet that some one's even missing you

Kevin and Brittany - So while the wind does blow on our loved ones down below, we wish that we could tell them we're okay.

Jane - And I'd say I'm on a roof with a bimbo and a goof and due to come down most any day.

Brittany - They must be worried.

Daria - They're probably distressed

Brittany - They must be worried.

Jane - It's causing them unrest

All - They must be worried.

Daria - It's really hard to guess exactly what Quinn's thinking, thought my instincts say it's probably about her shoes. Mom and Dad though, I don't think are exactly tickled pink I've vanished and that I've left no clues. They must be worried.

All - I wouldn't be surprised

Daria - They must be worried

All - Must be getting misty in the eyes.

All - They must be worried.

[kitchen]

Jake - Ah! I can't take it anymore!

Trent - No more cocoa for you man

Jake - It's not the cocoa, the cocoa's fine

Quinn - Thanks!

Jake - It's this sitting here doing nothing. My little girl's lost in the middle of a hurricane.

Helen - Jake I'm sure Daria has the good sense to find shelter, there's no point in putting yourself in danger acting like an idiot with a superman complex.

Jake - Damn it Helen! This is no time for your girly crap.

Helen - What?

Jake - The touchy feely garbage. What do you want in an emergency? Superman or you damn inner child? I'm acting like an idiot? No! I'm acting like a man!

[singing]

Jake - It used to be enough to strong and good and touch and to try whatever hasn't been tried. But now I'm a jerk with a brain that doesn't work if I don't show my feminine side. Oh what it is to be manly.

Background singing - Manly.

Jake - Maybe we shoudl sit and hug would that be more manly?

Background singing - manly.

Jake - Oh, kill me now I think I've squashed a bug.

Helen - Trent, can't you talk some sense into him?

Trent - Sounds sensible enough to me. I can show I can care I can cry I can share, got my brain in a sensitive whirl. But please tell me why being such a modern guy makes me feel like a bearded girl. I guess that's not manly. I do nothing but hey I feel mighty manly.

Background singing - manly.

Trent - I'm so excited I think I might scream.

Jake - Come here big guy.

Trent - You got it boss.

Jake - I'm proud to be the home of a Y chromosome.

Trent - I'm proud this hair is growing on my chin.

Jake - Let's get the hell out of there.

Trent - Find the girls for who we care

Jake - We won't be back until we can bring em in.

Both - We're gonna be manly. Hang on help is on the way. It's time to be manly.

Jake - ... honey, is that ok?

Jake - Come on Trent, your daughter and my sister are out there.

Trent - that doesn't sound right.

Jake - And we're going to find them, dammit.

Trent - Dammit, you're right.

Jake - Dammit, let's go.

Helen - Jakey, be careful! [end of singing]

[they crash the car]

[in the tool shed on roof]

Jane - um, don't look now but our little love nest is about to collapse.

Brittany - Oh no! What do we do?

Daria - I guess we'll have to take our chances out there.

Kevin - Ok, ready? I"m going to open the door.

Jane - Like before?

Daria - Just like before.

Kevin - I give up, it's stuck.

Brittany - You give up? You can't give up!

[singing]

Daria - the girl with the squeak says its no time to be meak. Gotta do what you manly men do.

Jane - She means break down the door, give a hollar or a roar. Make some stupid football noise and bust through.

Brittany - You've got to be manly!

Background singing - manly.

[Kevin tries and fails]

Daria - My great-aunt could do better, and she's dead.

Brittany - You've got to be manly.

Background singing - manly.

Jane - Now, apply your might helmet of a head.

Kevin - Manly! [busts through, end of singing]

Brittany - Did he hurt himself?

Daria - Not anywhere either of you would notice.

Kevin - Hey, check it out, the storms over.

Brittany - Kevie, you did it!

Daria - And look Brittany he also made a rainbow.

Jane - Is there anything this popular boy can't do?

All - [singing] The big wet rainstorms over we're happy we're still here. The big wet rainstorms over the end came very near.

Daria and Jane - We didn't die with Brittany instead we got to see

Brittany - Kevin's head act mightly!

Kevin - Oh babe.

All - The big wet rainstorms over

[In bedroom with Sandi, Staci, Tiffany]

All - The big wet rainstorms over, where's Quinn?

Sandi - And do we care?

All - The big wet rainstorms over

Staci - She's in a store somewhere.

Sandi - How do you like this jersey top?

Tiffany - It's colors make your highlights pop.

Staci - Ok, we're dressed, now we can shop.

All - The big wet rainstorms over.

[Jodie and Mack]

Both - The big wet rainstorms over and Lawndale's still the same. The big wet rainstorms over and our lives are once more the tame.

Jodie - But, if the town were gone today.

Mack - And the people blown away.

Jodie - We'd be in the majority.

Both - The big wet rainstorms over.

[by crashed car]

Kid - The big wet rainstorms over, I think you hurt your car.

Jake - The big wet rainstorms over now will you go real far away from me, because, you can see I crashed my car into a tree, now I'm as mad as mad can be.

Kid - The big wet rainstorms over.

Jake - You ok?

Trent - I'm ok, you ok?

Jake - A-ok!

Both - The big wet rainstorms over, the air bags saved our lives, The big wet rainstorms over

Jake - explain this to the wife, now will you please get out and see

Trent - The damage done by this here tree.

Jake - The sight's a bit too much for me

both - The big wet rainstorms over.

[Daria and Jane appear]

Trent - Janey! Oh many, you're all right. [hug]

Jane - Trent, you were worried.

Trent - And Daria you're ok, too. Cool. [hug]

Daria - mmhmm fine.

Jake - Daria! You're safe.

Daria - Dad! You crashed the car.

Jake - [singing] I don't give a fig about my crashed up Lexus [hug] you're really what my caring's all about.

Daria - That must be why you're crushing my solar plexus.

Jake - I'm sorry hon but I'm so happy I could shout.

Quinn - So you found my sis at last!

Helen - Crashed the car.

Jake - The past is past.

Helen - At least you didn't break your neck.

Quinn - Could have though

Daria - But what the heck...cause... today was strange in extremes and that's put lightly and yet it started out so dull and pretty dumb, and so this feeling that I feel i don't feel slightly, it's the hope that tomorrow will come

All - And another morning  in the 'burbs!