Can you see the change in me?  
It may not be so obvious to you. 
I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. 
I help plan holiday meals. 
You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. 
But I do cry! 
When everyone has gone-when it is safe- the tears fall. 
I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep. 
You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. 
But I am not strong. 
I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow...next week...next year. 
I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. 
I drink coffee and smile. 
You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. 
But I'm not "over" it. If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. 
I will never be the same. 
At times I think I am begining to heal, but the pain of loosing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. 
I visit my neighbours. You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. 
But I'm not holding up well. 
Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. 
I spend time with my friends. I appear calm and collected. 
I smile when appropriate. 
You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self." 
But I will never be back to my "old self". 
Death and grief have touched my life, and I am forever changed.