The Grossest Story Ever Told! - By our Mystery Writer

Note from the author:  Why you are reading this story, you may say to yourself, I could have made this grosser.  First, for your sake, don't.  But second, this story wasn't written to be gross.  It started off sweet and evolved into gross, just like a certain something in the story.  Enjoy everyone.

From the Files of Agent Boulder

    This is a report I filed back in 1987.  A mild disturbance at first, but as the number of annoyed citizens toll increased, we were called onto the job.

July 17, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:30 AM

Today is hot.  Real hot.  We started to work this morning ("We" being Agent Sully and I) ready for a lazy day in which we would discuss the incredibly ingenious theories that I had divised earlier in the week.  Yet, as we arrived, we found that tis would not be our objective for the day.

July 17, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:34 AM

Our boss, Pigge Vomite, informed us that there had been a ""NUMBER of reports claiming that the water from their toilet was splashing out when they tried to flush it.   The ""NUMBER at this point stood at two.  One from Gludious Maximous, and another from a man by the name of Walter Hasyu Bugged.  Pigge Vomite said he would get back to us if there were any more reports.

July 17, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:36 AM

Pigge Vomite, who just left our office, stormed into our office exactly one minute and 42 seconds ago.  According to him, in the 18 seconds he was gone from our office, 36 more complaints were in.  Everyone said the water kept spurting out of their toilet, a very messy thing (especially after a #2).

We have decided to investigate.

July 17, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:59 AM

We just finished talking to Gludious Maximous.  She showed us what happened when she tried to flush the toilet.  Although, she insisted that she make the experiment more scientific and have the exact same elements present while the flushing was to take place.  She promptly sat on the toilet and let loose (although it looked as if she was having a hard time) a #2.  When she finished sanitizing herself, she stood up and had us look in to the toilet.  She flushed the toilet.  At first the water seemed normal as it began to spin, but then the substance inside the water started spinning in the opposite direction, spurting water out of the toilet and into Agent Sully's face.  She didn't move a muscle, she only kept on staring at the spinning sh#t squirt water into her face.  Now, I was very worried.

I asked the worried Ms. Maximous if she had eaten any strange foods or any live animals within the last 2 hours.  She replied negatively.

We left at once.  Scully said she wanted to go home before I made any funny theories.  I took her home as I divised a funny theory.  I'll report tomorrow the facts of my theory.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:30 AM

Apparently, calls came all night about water splashing out of people's toilets.   Someone must solve this problem and quick.  I, Agent Boulder, am just the man to do it.

Here's what I think happened when the water flew out of the toilet.  A new breed of cockroach evolved, he now can not only survive an atomic bomb, but can survive a piece of sh#t in a toilet.  The new breed is an underwater breed that I like to call the REALLY BIG COCKroach.  This new breed waits 'til your done doing your business inside the mechanical part of the toilet.  Now, when everything is dumped, the REALLY BIG COCKroach floats out and sits among the "just departed" dump.  No one notices this because part of the evolving process for this cockroach was a back that became shaped like a pile of human dung (besides scary antenna's and legs, they look just like a pile of human dung.)  Now when you flush the toilet, this creates a sort of thrill ride for the cockroach and he tries to spin the opposite way of the water.   This causes not only a head rush, but the water to spurt out from the toilet.   Eventually, the really big cockroach is sucked down where it feeds upon the fresh dung.  I'm going to run this over with Agent Sully.  Hold on.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:36 AM

Once again, Agent Sully is completely against my theory.  She just can't see it my way.  The REALLY BIG COCKroach (she liked the name) is out there and we have to stop it.  I have a plan.  I'll go talk to Sully and report back to you in a moment.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
9:38 AM

I just copied the key to Agent Sully's apartment using my Key Copier 2000.  I scammed her into thinking she wasn't feeling well so that I could drive her back to her house.  I was in teh driver's seat when I made the key, Agent Sully was puking out the junk I slipped into her coffee.  Fortunately, she thought it was the peanut vendor.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:02 AM

I took Sully home and told her to get some sleep.  While she went inside, I sped off.  I jumped out of my car, went inside a corner store and used the payphone within.  I called information for help on where I could find a costume shop.   They asked me where I was so I started to tell them as I turned around and realized, I was in a costume shop.  So I hung up the phone and began looking through the selection.  finally I found what I was looking for.  I found a costume that was a piece of sh#t.  I flashed the lady my badge and ran out the door with the costume.  I got into the car, drove back to Sully's house, still in the car I slipped on the costume.  Ran up the stairs in the apartment building with everyone laughing and calling me a piece of sh#t.  I found her apartment door.  I opened it, and sneakily crawled inside.  I ducked into the closet as Sully came out of the bathroom and plopped onto her bed.  Obviosly the junk I gave her hadn't worn off.  I ran into the bathroom while her face lay down in her pillow.  I picked up the toilet lid and plopped inside.  I tried to fit the best I could, this is where I wait.   Soon, she will have to take a dump and I will find this REALLY BIG COCKroach.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:06 AM

So far, I only have my head to fit the rest of the way into the toilet.  I grabbed the lid and continually beat myself upon my noggen, hoping that eventually I would be able to sink completely in the water.  I'll keep trying.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:07... PM

Agent Sully left many, many hours ago.  Being the dedicated agent I am, I have stayed put these 12 long hours inside the toilet.  I finally fit my head all the way down under the water at 10:03.  I would have reported it then, but the way I managed to get my head down was to lodge my large head between my legs and pull down sharply until I was stuck between my legs.  I forgot my notepad outside the toilet, so I strained and strained for 4 long minutes until I reached the pad.  I promptly brought it back in with me where I now sit and write.

I don't know where Agent Sully went to.  I heard the phone ring and she answered it.  She answere with a sickly "hehlow."  No, more like "hehwow."  But then she perked up and acted perfectly fine.  This annoyed me because I knew it must be one of her Male friends.  Unfortunately, she never considered me as one of her male friends.  Anyway, she said she would love to and she would be ready in 30 minutes.  She quickly ran to the bathroom door and began to open it, I closed the lid as quickly as possible so that she wouldn't see me.   Unfortunately, I couldn't see her.  I heard her clothes excitedly drop to the floor.  Then I got poked in the eye, (if you don't remember, my head was stuck in my lap.)  She turned on the shower water and stepped in.  Now this was the wierdest part of all.  My mother must have programmed NetNanny or Surfwatch into my brain because I remember remembering that she had a clear showercurtain.  I decided to lift up the lid a little and take a peak.  Now, whenever I tried to look at her... private areas.   a black censor like thing appeared in front of it.  When I looked away, I could see through my peripheral vision that the marks were gone but I couldn't quite see what I was trying to see.  I quickly looked back and the marks reappeared.   They weren't attached to her, they just seemed to float in front of her.  I looked away again.  This time I slowly tilted my head her way hoping the marks would not reappear.  But sure enough, right before I saw the goods, they reappeared.   This was it, no one teases Agent Boulder and gets away with it.  I turned my head.  Now I was determined.  I kept my head still, and with all my might I turned my eyes farther and farther left, trying to catch a glimpse.  Unfortunately, I didn't and all I saw was the inside of my head.  I thought that to be very interesting, so I kept on turning my eyeballs all the way around until I could see my brain.  That's when I puked.  Now that is a wierd sensation.  All though I did puke through my mouth, it felt like I did it through the back of my head.  It was one of the best puking experiences I ever had.  Anyway, I searched for anything of interest.  I found that my eyes were no longer restricted to my sockets so I began a wierd little walk towards my brain where I saw a file cabinet sitting amongst a photo album.  That's strange I though, so I went over to them, and used every muscle I have in my eye to open the cabinet.  It was amazing, I found every girls phone number that I had ever heard and forgotten.  I even wrote some down in the book.  Here's a couple:

    Redi Tue Boofya 1-900-666-BOOF

    Frei Hook Er 1-800-666-BOOF

I'll never forget those again.  Then I closed the file cabinet and saw the photo album.  I opened it up and was surprised to find some of my old memories.  Like my first Porno Mag with Vanessa Williams, the Former Miss America, in it.   Unfortunately, my mom had found those before I had gotten to look at it so she took a black marker and filled in all the pretty spots.  Gosh mother.  Ruining my teenage years was what she was best at.  I turned to my left when I saw a passage that looked like it went outside.  So I went to crawl through when I remembered I was an eye and only one of us could fit.  Now this was wierd to crawl through because now my brain saw, well, it saw my brain and it saw my journey through my ear.  Finally, I reached the exit, I still heard the water running so I became excited.  I hoped this worked.  I looked beyone my ear and saw Sully in the shower completely nude!   She didn't have any censors.  I was savoring her chest until I looked down and saw...

Gross!!!  Sully's a man!!!  I needed to close my eyes but I couldn't because I didn't have my eyelids so I shot back my eyes into my sockets and closed my eyelids.   Then I realized I was still looking at my brain so I flipped my eyes around and looked at the back of my lids.  Then I lowered my ead so that she couldn't see me anymore.  I neede a drink to keep me from fainting so I lapped up some toilet water.   Tha could really put me into therapy, ya know.  The first time I see a woman without her clothes on and she's longer than I am.  Goodness Gracious, great...   I'll stop right there.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:08 PM

Sorry I stopped, I had to take a dump.  Anyway, Sully got out of the shower and put on her clothes (thank god) and began to fix her hair.  Several minutes later there was knock at the door.  She answered and said hello.  I strained to hear who the man was all though it sounded familiar, I was not at all sure of who it was.   Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the REALLY BIG COCKroach.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:09 PM

I just remembered, I took a dump in the toilet and there's all these sh#t's floating around me.  I'm keeping an eye out for the REALLY BIG COCKroach.  Ohh!!   What was that!  I think something just nibbled on my asphault (that mean's ass)

Oh my goodness!  The REALLY BIG COCKroach must think I'm really someone's sh#t and is now trying to eat me.  I'll write more when I get out of this predicament.

July 18. 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:11 PM

The cockroach is inside the apartment right now.  I don't know where.  I'm hiding in the broom closet.  It seems that my theory is correct.  There really is an underwater REALLY BIG COCKroach.

After I stopped writing, I tried to bend over and look for the oversized cock, but I didn't see it... at first.  Then it slowly crawled out from underneath my asphault and beared it's giant teeth.  (The new cockroach is also equipped with giant teeth)   I jumped a mile high, atleast it seemed like it until I hit my head on the toilet lid.  I pushed it up and tried to squeeze out but I forgot to lift up the seat so I was too big to crawl through.  I plopped back down, pushed open the seat and sprang out.  I went to open the door but Sully left one of the drawers open and the door got stuck against it.  Fearing for my life I turned around to face the forbidden evil.   A giant cockroach climbed out of the toilet.  He layed his eyes upon me.   I screamed like I never screamed before.  I took out my gun and fired two shots at the floor.  The backfire sent me flying into the door, unjamming it from the drawer.  The cockroach scurried to hide behind the shower curtain.  I closed the drawer and opened the door.  That's when I jumped into the closet.  I haven't moved since but to write into the notebook.  I still have 6 bullets left in this clip, and I have a spare on my belt.  I think I'm going to have to face him.  If I don't survive, please, tell my mother I love her.  (And please put a real nude picture of Vanessa Williams in my coffin, without the pretty spots filled in.)  (I guess Tyra Banks would be good too.)  OK, here I go.

July 18, 1987
Redmond, Washington
10:32 PM

The case is settled.  This is what happened.  (Oh, I still want those pictures if anyone can get their hands on them.)  I snuck out of the closet with gun in hand.  I was just about to walk into the bathroom when I heard Sully outside the door.  I ran into the bathroom without thinking, still wearing the sh#t costume.   then I remembered the Giant Cockroach.  I looked briefly but couldn't see him.   I plopped into the toilet and scrunched down as much as possible.  Sully now had the door open and was saying goodbye to the date when he asked if he could come in.   She said no, (obviously because of her growth down under).  He said he just needed to use the restroom which made me extremely nervous.  He had to take atleat a number one, but if he had to take a number two, he'd probably do both.  And what if the Cockroach crawled back insitde the toilet.  He might come out and feed upon me.   I hid face down in the toilet.  I heard the date open the lid.   "Ooooooh," he said, "looks like Sully forgot to flush."

He proceeded to flush the toilet.  Now I know what it was like for the cockroach around and around I went until I was squirting water out of the toilet.

"Sully, you better come take a look at this," he shouted.

"It's nothing I haven't already seen before," she yelled back.

Heh, no kidding.

"No, I'm serious Sully.  Some sh#t is splashing water out of the toilet.   Sully burst into the bathroom.

"Back away," she shouted, "I've been studying this and I've come to the conclusion that a new Cockroach which I have entitled The Sully Roack could be hiding amongst that sh#t.  Back away!"

Sully pulled out her gun.  I became scared.  Was she going to shoot me.   I jumped out of the toilet as fast as I could.  Now imagine what that must have looked like to Sully.  She fired three shots at me and hit me in the sh#t costume.  Fortunately, the costume is made from real dung which actually sucks in the bullet and stops it so it didn't penetrate into me.  I told her it was me and she put down the gun and began yelling at me, wondering why I was in her toilet.  That was when I looked at her date who seemed to be past out in her toilet.  It was Pigge Vomite!  Ugh- Sully!

I told Sully of the roach and that I thought it to be somewhere in the apartment.   Pigge Vomite got out his gun so that we were all armed.  We stepped out of the bathroom cautiously peering around the room insight of the REALLY BIG COCKroach.  I ran to see what he saw.  There was the REALLY BIG COCKroach looking just like a piece of sh#t.  I went to fire when, "Boulder, How have you been?"  The piece of sh#t came and gave me a hug.  I looked at him again.  It was my dad!   My dad looked just like a piece of sh#t.  But then again, that's pretty much what he always looked like.  My dad was really small, about 28" tall.  He told me that he was just trying to find out if he could swith the magnetic pull of the earth by trying to make the water in the toilets here fulush the same direction as the toilets in Australia.  It just happened to be that he looked like a piece of sh#t so it worked perfect for him.

The End