It all began in the wonderful land known as Middle School, the only place as bad as high school. During elementary being a smart kid puts you up there with the popular kids. At the very least you have some respect.
In Middle School everything goes to shit. Suddenly lack of athletic ability is more than just a thing noticed at recess. It suddenly sends you to the bottom of the barrel. The sudden interest in the opposite sex means you want to impress them. This is done only through athleticism. So when you have no athleticism and you want a girlfriend, you're stuck with the bottom of the barrel girls. I'm not stupid so I never stooped that low. That meant I was a lonely, lonely soul. And it wasn't for a lack of trying.
I have a terrible story about one of my attempts that I rarely tell and I'm not going to put it here. I think only like five people even know all the story. It was rock bottom, easily. It was Junior year and that was one I gave up and just didn't give a shit what anyone thought. I stopped trying to be popular. I stopped trying to impress anyone, but myself. I started smoking which immediately labels me as a hoodlum. It was also during this period that I began to dress down. My family had enough money for me too dress like a rich kid, wearing Eddie Bauer, Tommy Pull-my-finger, or Calvin Klein. But I chose not to. I didn't want to be associated with those people that wore those clothes. Even now as I'm improving my wardrobe, I refuse to wear anything with a major prep label. My shirts are Puritans from Wal-Mart and my pants and shoes all cost around 20 bucks or less. Now instead of making the choice to disassociate from a group, I do it now to save money.
The major thing I did that I don't regret, but now seems way worse than it did back then was threaten to shoot a kid after he threatened to beat me up. He was way bigger than me and he said "I could put your head through that window" (this was in the middle of a very heated scene with just me and him there in the middle of the parking lot). I said "Yeah, you could." I was scared to death, but through some great miracle I don't show my fear until afterwards. When I didn't back down from him, I think it surprised him and since he didn't have any buddies around to urge him into fighting me, he walked away. It was amazing. He walked away. He could have beat my ass and no body would've found out, but somehow by me not being the scared guy I'd always been before, it scared him. That was the defining moment that changed me in high school.
Senior year I must admit was pretty fun. It didn't have the negatory cloud that the rest of my high school years had. And I met Stephanie Robbins, high school counsellor, and she kept me sane.
When I went to Big Bend it was like a whole new world. I made friends pretty quick. I had a nice looking girl interested in me. I never felt real chemistry, but we were good friends and I miss her even today. She understood me and I understood her and I think both of us were surprised at how different college was than high school. I wonder where she's at.
Classes actually challenged me and made me think. The instructors actually had a clue. It was awesome. Over the three years a went to Big Bend, I had a lot of fun and it was the best thing for me. I wasn't ready to leave home, but my parents gave me complete reign over my whole life. I could come and go as I pleased. It was good.
When I finally left for college here at WSU. I was completely ready. I've never been homesick even to this day. I did live with Lace and that made it feel like home and I didn't have to be on my own right away. I was still depressed though through most of that time. I didn't like what I looked like and began to not like the girl I was with (I went over that already). I felt trapped.
So finally when I got free, my world seemed to come back to that place when I first started going to Big Bend. There's this girl named Melissa that all of you may never meet, but she seems to like me and I'm really liking her. And she's absolutely beautiful. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when we have class together I look forward to it so much I've never looked forward to a day like those days. We sit together and talk after class. Every time I look at her I still can't believe she's sitting there. She has no idea she's affected my life so much, but she has.
I know I said I don't drink. Compared to the average student, I'm a saint, but when Steve shows up, we always drink. He showed up on Wednesday with a friend as I was sleeping on the couch. We went out, got completely hammered, had more fun than a person should be allowed to have, and I still made class on time the next day. I was hungover slightly, but I was still in a great mood. Steve sang karaoke, and Andy was throwing up as he lay on the sidewalk outside my apartment. It was the two funniest things I've seen in a long time. I didn't do anything I regret, but I now understand the term beer googles.
So my advice for anyone that's in high school and hating it is to just f*** it. Be true to yourself and hold on to the friends you have. Stand up to those are making your life miserable. Just seperate yourself from them. Never let them have the satisfaction of making you feel bad. Not even a little. Do whatever it takes to do this. If they throw chips in your jello at lunch, you dump out your milk on their entire tray. If they beat your ass, they beat your ass. It's the price you pay for freedom. You just have to make sure you do something in return that they can't pin down on you. I know this sounds really bad and as an adult I should be like no you must avoid fighting and make peace. That's sh*t though. Bully's only speak one language and that's violence. I wish I knew another answer that actually worked, but in my experience keeping the peace just makes you feel worse. It just bottles everything inside and you take it out on everyone else.
