Welcome to our joke page! these jokes were all collected from around the web! Most of the jokes are family rated, but an R will appear befor any adult jokes!
Interview Don'ts!
A survey of top personnel executives of
100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said,
'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
Top 10 blond inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9)Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
Top 10 things
A Hooker should not say
10. You don't need a condom.
9. It's your baby.
8. Hey dad.
7. Hey mom.
6. Hey Principal Weaver.
5. I just got back from the hospital.
4. I don't remember that being there.
3. They said something about warts,
but don't worry it doesn't hurt.
2. I lied about birth control.
and the #1 thing....
Look what I can do with this.
If Men Got Pregnant
1)Maternity leave would last two years, with full
pay.
2)There wuld be a cure for stretch marks.
3)Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4)Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1
health problem.
5)All methods of birth control would be 100%
effective.
6)All children would be kept in the hospital until
toilet trained.
7)Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8)They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9)Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.
10)Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11)Paternity suits would be a fashion line of
clothes.
12)They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13)Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
14)Women would rule the world.
R The pharmacist
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3,
9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for
a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms
because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're
having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want
me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12
pack.'
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with
his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins
the prayer, but continues praying with his head
down for several minutes after everyone starts
eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never
told me that you were such a religious person.'
He leans over to her and says, 'You never told
me that your father is a pharmacist.'
These are true crime stories
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Three college students at the annual Halloween Fantasy Festival in Key West Florida decided to smoke some marijuana. They were amazed at how fast the police found and arrested them. It turned out that these meatheads were smoking pot in front of an air vent leading into a police station. It did not take the cops too long to figure out where that stench came from.
A 45 year-old lady was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, the lady later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
John Doe of Pennsauken, New Jersey decided to rob the Hill-Rom Corp, again. However, he needed to keep the door from closing fully behind him, so he used a paper to keep the lock from closing. That paper happens to be a traffic ticket with his name and address on it. Needless to say, this idiot is behind bars.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the classifieds and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RDrunk Driving....
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down
the
hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you
were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her
purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks
it
over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of
a
room and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line
back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her
purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it
over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes
to
the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an
erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the
Breathalyzer again."
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Last updated December 15/02
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