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God is Love
Although I claimed to be a Christian for a good chunk of my life, there was a time when one hardship after another made me question the way I was living, and it could even be said I turned my back on God. I don't buy this image that one day you get 'saved' and everything is rosy after that. In many ways it only gets harder. Once you have made a stand for the good side, the dark side tries even harder to reclaim you.
My job situation was not good, I was working part time at an office in Burien. There were a lot of little things building up inside me, I got angry, and walked off the job one day. The boss wasn't in, it was only me and a couple other people. I just got up, walked out the door, and didn't come back.
A friend and I were trying to start a band, and I put all my hopes in that - getting out to play, and making enough money from that to live on. We thought we had a solid plan - accept as many gigs as possible playing "the hits" - weddings, funerals, etc, for money - and fill in the rest of our schedule playing places that wanted our own music. The band fell apart before we'd even done one show. So there I was, no job, no band, no income; I was living in a room in someone's basement, but after a couple months, I was unable to pay rent, so I got tossed out.
At the same time, I met someone who was a very bad influence on me, someone who talked about loving Jesus, but was a real 'party' person - drugs, alcohol, and everything else. She became my 'girlfriend' - that was a huge mistake, this very worldly person trying to drag me into all the bad things I had managed to avoid. So there was constant temptation in front of me. I had been very lonely, now someone comes along to relieve my loneliness, but with a price. I resisted to some degree, even though everyone was saying "why? Give in, have some fun, it's all good".
Then the next traumatic event occurred - the death of our family cat, Stubby. That hit me really hard. I must have spent 2 or 3 days just crying. In the middle of my grief, I questioned God, "why could you let him die?" I questioned everything I had done in my life. I had tried to be the kind of person I thought God wanted me to be, and here I was, lost, failing, suffering. I looked around and other people appeared to be successful, at least in the world's terms - they had decent jobs, seemed to be in good relationships, were moving forward in life.
So temptation reared it's head and I finally said "I guess I am finally turning my back on God. Trying to live that way isn't working, I might as well do what everybody else is doing". So I gave in. "Why should I be so different than everyone else? God hasn't done anything for me anyway, so what is there to lose by doing what everyone else is doing?"
So here I was in this miserable relationship, doing everything I believed was wrong. No, I was not enjoying this. I know that comes as a shock, I mean, who DOESN'T enjoy sinning, doing evil stuff, everyone is supposed to enjoy it, right? I kept hearing stupid stuff like "if you won't sleep with me, then you must not really love me". Translated that means "I don't care what your values are, you're going to do what I tell you to do." Yeah, who cares if I die and burn forever in the fire, at least someone had a good time. "And while you're at it, you can get stoned and drunk with me". Cause the only way to enjoy life is to be totally screwed up on dope and drink and jumping into bed with anyone that comes along, right.
I wasn't having a good time. I felt used, abused, I felt like garbage. I remember one morning looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw. I had become exactly the kind of person I never wanted to be.
That's a real scary thing, to look in the mirror and not even recognize yourself anymore. On the outside, it probably looked like things were okay to the people around me, but I had died a spiritual death.
It might have only lasted a few days, or a couple weeks, I don't remember, I just remember that horrible feeling. I definitely remember feeling the presence of Satan in that apartment. I fully expected that I would soon be burning in a lake of fire.
That relationship didn't last very long, as soon as I stood up for myself, as soon as I told her I could not continue living like this, it was over. We continued seeing each other for a time, but she was already looking for someone else - someone that would live the x-rated life she was used to.
I'm thankful now that it ended, but at the time I was devastated. It took a long time to heal from all the spiritual damage. In fact, I think I am still in the process of healing from that time. Very often something triggers the memory of that time, and it is very painful. Mostly, I try to block it out, I don't ever want to go back to that.
I don't use this word often, but I do feel it was a miracle I survived that, and I know it was God that saved my life. I could have died, but for reasons beyond my understanding, I survived. I don't mean to imply that everything has been smooth sailing since then, either. I think, in many ways, life just continues to get harder. I keep praying to God for another miracle in my life, but it doesn't come.
I've been around people that pray about every little thing in their daily life - "Dear Lord, should I buy this cup of coffee? Please save a parking space for me at work, and give me green lights all the way. Oh yeah, and our daughter wants enough money to enter that talent competition, can you take care of these things?" That's a very shallow spirituality IMHO. Shouldn't we be praying for world peace? Feeding the hungry and housing the homeless?
American Christianity is a very self centered and selfish religion. We like to think of ourselves as the chosen people, we like to call the USA a Christian nation - we pray with a Bible in one hand, and a rifle in the other.
I'm particularly disgusted when i read or hear some minister, pastor, or Bible expert trying to use the Bible to excuse their own bad behavior. It's always someone else that is living in sin; they always want to point the finger at someone else instead of looking in the mirror. Those guys would have had a field day if they'd known me at my lowest; it seems that they believe some people have a license to sin. And i don't believe the Bible is 100% inerrant; the Bible was written by men, translated more times and more ways than i can count. Maybe i should spend the rest of my life learning Hebrew or Greek; maybe that's the only way to get to the truth.
I don't claim to have worked out this religion thing, I have a lot more questions than answers. If God is all powerful and all seeing and all knowing, why doesn't he just fix up this mess he created? Why are so many left to suffer, while others live in the lap of luxury?
There are some things I am 100% certain about - that there is a God, or Supreme Being, Higher Power; and if Jesus hadn't died for me, i would have no hope. I can believe this without putting down someone on another path. I haven't walked in that person's shoes, i haven't seen the world through their eyes. But i do believe that killing is wrong; that stealing is wrong; that the lust for money and power will be any person's downfall; that love is better than hate; beyond that, I don't know much.
I wish I knew how to save the world. I don't know how to do much of anything, other than make music. Music is how I connect. I'm thankful that I can still sing, play, write - and because I believe it is a gift from God, I take very seriously the idea of not misusing it, abusing it. There's a lot of garbage music out there, I don't want to be part of that. I don't want to write the song that convinces someone to commit suicide or wreck their life on drugs. I'm not into playing because I think I will become a star and make millions of dollars doing it. I do it because I need to.
I'm convinced that music has healing powers we have barely begun to recognize. I want to be part of that - music that helps and heals.
Relationships? Well, if being in a relationship means having to surrender my values again, and becoming someone i'm not, then I'm not interested. I need to live my life to please God, not someone who wants to destroy me.
I realise that what I am saying here completely flies against the messages we get in the media today. Every guy is supposed to be prowling the streets, the bars, wherever, looking for their next "conquest". They say you are supposed to jump into bed with anyone and everyone, it's supposedly all about "having a good time"; get married and throw moral values out the window, cause life is short, so you gotta do all the screwing around down here while you have the chance. Do what you want, don't think about the consequences, we're just highly evolved animals, anyway. Except I happen to disagree with that perspective on things.