Week 1 -- 10/2/97

Here is the inaugural edition of my perhaps weekly, more likely whenever I feel like writing it, newsletter. If you know of anyone else who would like to subscribe, let me know!

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The News In These Here Parts
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by Tyler Mays

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Feature Article: The First Week
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The schedule of classes is somewhat settled down now as Tyler attempts to make sense of enrollment in French, Biodiversity, Fundamentals in Computer Programming, Ecological Applications to Conservation Biology, and Early Morning Shower. Of these classes the last is by far the most important, for as The Student himself puts it, "No shower, no power!" (TM)
French is taught by a very nice gray-haired French lady who has the classic soft, pleasantly cool grandmotherly voice. The class is roaring through the subject at breakneck speed, though, so Tyler feels very fortunate to have a year and a half of high school French under his belt, though being taught by the beloved but slightly befuddled dear Mrs. Fridell these past teachings now equate to approximately a three week head start. C'est la vie, mes amis...
Biodiversity is apparently a big hit with our protagonist. "This rocks!" was the general consensus as teacher Dr. Michael La Barbera informed first-day pupils that he didn't believe in making his students memorize truckloads of information for the sake of midterm(s) and/or finals, as is the cherished University of Chicago professorial prerogative, duty, and in most cases favored hobby. Instead, Dr. La Barbera announced to incredulous ears his plan for no midterms and yes, NO FINALS, which caused several weak-kneed students to fall down in immediate worship of such a people's man. The invertebrate zoologist went on to say that he would give weekly 20-minute lecture quizzes and take students' 8 best of 9 quizzes to make up the lecture 50% of the grade, child's play when one considers many professors enjoy this privelege in addition to giving exams throughout the quarter. The other 50% of the course grade is simplistically based on short lab write-ups and a field trip to the Shedd Aquarium, guaranteed enjoyment for all. Tyler gives this class an enthusiastic two thumbs up, a "must-take" by any standards.
Tyler is also taking Fundamentals to Computer Programming after searching in vain for any other class that would fit in the time slot of 10:30 to 1:30 Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. (This search had begun with Harmony, Music 151, and had considered such courses as Ancient Celtic Society and Intermediate Hittite.) Unfortunately, like Harmony, this CompSci (as the Computer Science department is so fondly referred to) course is apparently too full (though only 1/3 of the seats in the classroom are filled) for the poor TA teaching the class to add anyone else. This instructor has asked Tyler to please consider taking the same course at 8:30 am, but Tyler is taking French then. Perhaps Tyler will join the tentative effort to create another French 101 class at 12:30 pm, and then can take the Programming course at 8:30. Though facing such monotony so early in the day could be too much for Early Morning Shower to handle. The Programming teacher has a heavy unplaceable accent (probably added by skilled UC Linguistics department scientists charged with making the UC's TAs the most unintelligible on the planet) that makes understanding schemes, functions, etc. even more difficult that usual. And to make matters worse, the instructor cannot perform basic math. Twice in the first class Tyler attended she arrived at different answers than the general assembly. She added 2.5 and 3 and got 7.5! This class looks bearable, somewhat interesting, but not particularly exciting.
At first Ecological Applications to Conservation Biology looked to be wretchedly boring, with a droning professor putting up transparency after transparency of population curves, babbling on about demographic stochasticity and whatnot.... but then Tyler took time to read the first part of the relatively small textbook, and now the class makes a lot more sense. Partly it could be the new notepads, pen, and fake-leather notepad holder (a deal at only $4.50!) creating excitement, but there's a good chance that Tyler will actually develop interest in this particular subject area, despite its being choked with math. Field trips are planned to the Brookfield Zoo and to a local arboretum. The verdict? "One thumb up."
As to his schedule, Tyler is happy to report that Tuesdays and Thursdays are very much free except for lab on Thursday at 1:30 pm. This makes Tyler extremely happy!

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Dorm Food Looks Familiar, Tastes...
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Contrary to popular opinion, all dorm food is not created equal. It just looks that way. The University of Chicago dining halls have made honest efforts towards improving taste, if not appearance, with some remarkable headway gained towards creating edible dishes, if not edible food. Also, apparently the food is now irradiated to forestall mutations. This week alone Tyler witnessed at least 3 dropped trays as students were surprised to find the food they were holding was _not_ moving around as in previous years.
Sadly, no more grapefruit or cranberry juices at the Minute Maid juice machine, but, happily, a wondrous concoction called Orange Guava Passionfruit has been substituted along with the ever-popular Five-Alive citrus mix.
Sources are happy to report that almost no nutrients whatsoever can be gained by eating Hush Puppies. Almost as tasteless as their podal-covering cousins, these cafeteria regulars are reknowned for their ability to create noxious fumes within even the most polite professor's bowels.

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Tidbits to Keep You Laughing/Crying
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This week there are only a couple pieces for this section. More later.

Mary of Bishop House, Tyler's floor, reports that while she was in a ladies bathroom on campus, she happened to bump her head against a tampon machine while putting her book bag down. The unweldy tampon machine proceeded to fall on top of poor Mary, bringing a chunk of the wall with it. Concerned friends demanded Mary be compensated with free samples, and a general warning was issued not to bump craniums with tampon machines.

An e-mail circling among Bishop House freshmen apparently rates your romantic life by which marshmallow in the original Lucky Charms is your personal favorite. With uncanny accuracy, the model correctly reported that one freshman was turned on by females in suits of armor. Another newbie who picked the clover was told he would be very lucky in the near future, which immediately caused all Bishop House females to make mental notes to stay away from the horny toad.