Don't Read This If You're Easily Offended!
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much like a call of nature only not in your bowels, to point your browser (and
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My Home Page
and SIGN THE GUESTBOOK while you're there! And please make a point to actively
think about sending in a contribution for the "Your Corner" page, because
currently it really isn't your corner at all! Looking for almost anything--
poetry, short stories, anecdotes, links, lyrics, anything!
Warning: Due to lack of good subject matter this edition has sunk to new
all-time-lows to meet popular demand. Sorry.
OK, enough prelude. Without further ado, on to this and last week's
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The News In These Here Parts, Issue 4
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By Tyler Mays
--------------------------------
Feature Article: Collegiate Love
--------------------------------
Spurred on by several factors including floormates' kinky interactiveness,
a book for sale on the web with the following bio:
"Sex on Campus, a fun and informative look into the amorous side of collegiate life."
(published by Random House)
and his roommate's active romantic life, Tyler now presents to you a totally biased,
completely unreliable, subliminally amorphous, highly erroneous
STUDY OF COLLEGIATE LOVE AT THE U. OF CHICAGO
Now, no personal experiences have entered into this scientific
exploration. Not hard considering the lack of such.
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THE SICK-SEX CYCLE
------------------
First, a preliminarily unrelated look at the cold/flu season at
the U. of Chicago, based on gender:
Fig. 1: COLDS CAUGHT VS. TIME
|
|
| F F
| F F M M M
COLDS | F F M M
CAUGHT | F F M M
| F F M M
| F MF F F F M M M M
|F_________M_________F____________M___
TIME -- APPROX. 1 MONTH
M= males
F= females
Females in the majority caught colds first, probably because of
more touchy-feeliness which in turn transfered more germs. Males caught
colds later, with many theories as to this gender delay.
Now, stay with the line of thought here, as we look at a chart
of the same month, this time graphing amorousity levels on campus, using
the (highly circumstantial yet easily adaptable but mostly unsupportable
yet you get the idea) "ED" measurement, which takes a reading of the amount
of Electromagnetic Dandruff in the air, and uses it to calculate the level
of touching over time, taking into account the hang time of such dander
which stems from Male-Female contact. Our cutting-edges system is careful
to ignore the isotopes of ED specific to Male-Male or Female-Female contact,
which in the past has been known to alter numbers significantly. Here is
the graph:
Fig. 2: M/F AMOROUSITY LEVELS VS. TIME
|
|
MALE- | **
FEMALE | *** **
AMOROUSITY | ** **
LEVELS | ** **
| ** *
|*** **
|__________________*__
TIME -- APPROX. 1/2 MONTH
Now, this is the kicker. When both graphs are interposed:
Fig. 3: INTERPOSED Fig. 1 & Fig. 2
|
|
COLDS | F F **
CAUGHT/ | F *** ** M M M
AMOROUSITY | F ** F ** M
LEVELS | F ** F M** M
| F** F M * M
|*** MF F F** M M M M
|F_________M_______*_F____________M___
TIME -- APPROX. 1 MONTH
*** AMOROUSITY LEVELS
M/F MALE/FEMALE COLDS CAUGHT
Well what do you know! The data clearly shows the relationship between amorousity
and cold levels in females and males. Moreover, the complex socio-interactions
can also be deduced with careful attention to the slopes of the intermingling lines.
To illustrate the point, Tyler will use the example of Joe and Harriet, a fictional
couple Tyler will use to illustrate the point. Got it?
Harriet & Joe: The Common Cold Couple
Harriet caught a cold on November 4th by sharing a milkshake on dollar day with
friend Michelle, who was just getting over her sniffles.
Harriet develops symptoms on November 9th, and immediately tells boyfriend Joe
to lay off on the touchy-feely. He reluctantly obeys.
On November 14th Harriet feels much improved and decides to resume her
affections with boyfriend Joe, who, hormones screaming, rushes to her side.
Little do they know that the little germy germs had not finished their dirty
work! Harriet discretely passes her share of cold virus to the unwary Joe, who
Promptly falls sick with it on November 21st. And immediately loses all
inclinations to be affectionately active with Harriet. Or anyone else for
that matter. And so proves the cycle now called THE SICK-SEX CYCLE.
Where girls get sick and give it to guys when it counts and where
it counts and they get sick and stop giving it to girls because it counted
and the girls didn't think it counted.
Go figure.
----------------
MUSIC-SEX THEORY
----------------
Here is an interesting study.
Fig. 4: MUSIC DYNAMIC LEVELS IN HYDE PARK BEDROOMS VS. INSTANTANEOUS ED LEVELS
| ++
| ++
| + +
ED | + +
LEVELS | ++ +
| +++++ +
| ++++ +
| ++ +
| ++ ++
|____________________+____
MUSIC LEVELS
Quickie Interpretation: As amorousity in connection to ED levels increases,
music levels increase proportionally as convenient cover noise. Before further
analysis, here is another figure that will help expand the Music-Sex Theory:
Fig. 5: ED LEVELS VS. DEXTERITY LEVELS
| ^^
| ^ ^
| ^^ ^
ED | ^^^ ^
LEVELS | ^^^ ^
| ^^^ ^
| ^^^ ^
| ^ ^
|^ ^
|___________________^______
DEXTERITY LEVELS
This now relates directly to Fig. 4, which, interposed, shows a clear relationship
between music and dexterity levels.
Fig. 6: INTERPOSED Fig. 4 & Fig. 5
| ++^^
| ++^ ^
| +^^ ^
ED | ^^^ + ^
LEVELS | ^^^+ +^
| ^^^+++ +^
| ^^^++ +^
| ^++ ^
|^++ ^+
|___________________^+____
MUSIC/DEXTERITY LEVELS
OK, the full analysis is this. As cover noise in the form of music increases,
couples are forced to become more adept at simultaneous touchy-feeliness and
turning up the volume on the stereo. But then at very high music levels the
inclination towards affection is actually depressed, as is the level of
dexterity as apparently once the music is too loud it matters not whether
one can turn it up any more. Was this a pointless study? Probably, but
aren't you glad you can chat knowledgeably about the Music-Sex Theory?
Didn't think so.
----------
DISCLAIMER
----------
The above is totally fictional. If you thought otherwise, seek
medical assistance immediately from a qualified clinical psychiatrist.
I have names and numbers if you need them. If the above was offensive,
I don't recommend re-reading it to find out exactly what was so awful,
just click here to escape.
--------------------------
Article 2: Ring Gets Stuck
--------------------------
Last Thursday night Tyler thought it would be cool to take a new
silver ring he had bought and move it from its comfortable berth on his
left hand's pinky finger to what was presumed a tight but OK fit on his
wedding finger (left hand ring finger). But presumtions are never safe
bets, and soon Tyler was stuck with a throbbing finger. The ring was
threatening to cut off all circulation to the poor digit, and Tyler was
literally and emotionally attached to the appendage (what redundancy!).
Anyway, a call to the physician-on-call proved rather fruitless; basically
if it seemed bad enough Tyler should go in and get the ring removed, but
otherwise it would be better (and more frugal as ER visits were very costly)
to wait until morning.
So Tyler looked. And waited. And the finger throbbed. And was
painful. Tyler soaked it in cold water. In hot water. Tried oil, soap,
detergent, teeth, ice.
The best result came from icing the finger, but that could not
last indefinitely. But Tyler was bound and determined not to make a visit
to the ER, since by then it was 1 a.m. and he would have had to come back
in the drunk van, not a particularly exciting prospect. So he returned
from the limelight of suggestive torrents in Sam and Sienna's room and
tried to do some homework. Then the idea arose of filing the ring off.
After all, it was only silver, not steel. So Tyler began a steady filing
away with a Leatherman's file. Two hours later, the ring was a strip of
silver and Tyler had one very tired, stressed, but relieved finger.
No more ring experiments. What was silly was that Tyler had to use
soap to get the ring on in the first place. (Though it had gone over the
knuckle with no help) Obviously a few million brain cells had been
irreverently ignored that night.
-----------------------------------
Tidbits to Keep You Laughing/Crying
-----------------------------------
For this section I decided to supply you with some bad puns, some thoughts
to ponder, and a section of "Tyler's Sort-of Wisdoms." Enjoy.
Bad Puns
--------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank--proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the
end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in
at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a
hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a
hickory daiquiri, doc."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
And the best one yet...
A termite walks into a saloon, sits down and asks "Where's the bar tender?"
Favorite Thoughts to Ponder
---------------------------
(if you've already seen some of these, they're still worth a re-read)
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do we park in the driveway, and drive on the parkway?
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, that's their job.
Can you only fly Virgin Airlines once?
What do styrofoam companies pack their merchandise in when they ship it?
Do you realize how many peanuts elephants owe us as a group?
Can there be such a thing as a "closet claustrophobic?"
What are french fries, french bread, french kissing and french rolls
called in France?
Where does a cop at a nudist colony wear his badge?
Why does the glass always have to be half-empty or half-full? How about
TOO BIG!!
Tyler's Sort-of Wisdoms
-----------------------
When you meet someone:
If they're walking a pet, always smile broadly at the animal and give the
owner a slightly suspicious look. Unnerves the heck out of them.
If you're mutual enemies, smile and greet them. At least then you'll have a
working relationship.
If they're a good friend, pretend you don't notice them until just before
they pass you, then just explode with glee at them. This makes for really
funny situations, though prepare to be embarrassed greatly if you mistook
the person for someone else.
Lines to say when you trip in public:
"How graceful of me." (take a bow)
"These darn feet! Won't they ever learn?" (scold feet)
"Did you feel that? Must have been at least a 4.3!" (run to any nearby
doorway/arch)
