This section of Warrior's humor can deal with either endings or opening stories for charcters and games. They can either be a humorous summary, twisted facts, or just plain silly. You'll see.
Quick lowdown of the King of Iron Fist Tournament 3
Once a long time ago, this Japanese dude wanted to beat some guy up in revenge, so he sets up this tournament (because he was bored I guess), but suddenly this strange, mystical force possesses this one lady, and makes her get all horny for this other guy where they sleep together. This force is being controled by the Devil. (This particular Devil is pretty damn perverted)
But before anyone figures all that stuff out, some guy throws this Kazuya guy in a volcano, and suddenly recieves this huge corporation at his command and alot of cash. Then like this guy gets really old and turns into a gezzard, and makes sprinkler systems for like, 19 years.
Then for some reason he gets this phone call from some dude, and he goes, "Uhhhh! Help us! Help us! This damn Ogre guy is kicking our asses! He's gonna kick your ass as well! Uhhhhh!" This sucks!" and so the old guy goes, "Yeah, whatever dude." and hangs up. And then the lady's house burns down and her son gets all pissed about that and goes, "That does it! I'm gonna like, get really buff and kick that Ogre guy's ass!" So he sets out to find that old Japanese guy, because he was his uncle or something.
So then all these Kung fu guys start disappearing all over the world, it's like a big mystery of some sort. So then the son guy finds the gezzard and says, "I'm your nephew! Train me so I can kick the Ogre's ass and stuff! He sucks!" And the old guy doesn't believe him and goes, "I don't believe you, quite bugging me and get the hell out of my house dammit!" But then he believes him anyway. So the old guy teaches him alot of Kung Fu for like, a long time.
Then suddenly the son gets really buff and bad-ass, and says, "I'm gonna mop the floor with that Ogre jackass! Hey, old guy why don't you set up some tournament so I can beat him up?" And the old guy goes, "Uhhhh...okay." But like, the old guy wants his nephew to get killed becasue he's really good at Kung Fu now, but he's gonna kill him after and stuff.
Then like, the old guy walks around for a couple of weeks going, "Hey man, would you like to go to a tournament and stuff? Hee, hee, hee...it's gonna be cool." And then the son gets ready to kick some ass, and to prepare for his destiny or something.
THE END
Mortal Kombat Endings
NightWolf:
With the element of suprise, NightWolf defeats the over-confident Shao Khan. After the battle, NightWolf celebrates with the other earth warriors. But Nightwolf gets a little too friendly with the vodka and scotch. He then blurts out that he is secretly an ilegal foreigner from Mexico and travelled here so he could visit all the strip clubs in America. This pisses of Stryker, Sonya and Jax, so they bust him up, and throw his ass in jail, where strange men and cross-dressers lurk in every shadow.
Scorpion:
Scorpion, fed up with Sub-Zero's cocky atitude for being the original ninja, gathers another group of ninjas called the "Palette Birgade" They soon find Sub-Zero in a sleazy motel making out with Kitana. Scorpion could not belieive how smooth Sub-Zero was, no one in over ten thousand years has scored with the princess. He decides to protect Sub-Zero at all costs, learing the ways to pick up women in bars from him. "Hey baby, want to come back to my place and play with my spear?"
Mileena:
Winning the tournament, Millena takes Sindel and kitana hostage, in exchange for Shao Khan to lure the earth warriors into a 4th Mortal Kombat for Baraka to destroy. But Baraka becomes bored with Millena, and dumps her. Frusterated, Millena has to support herself by moving her buissness to the red-light district. Sadly, she isn't very good, due to her freaky face. Cars camly avoid Millena for all eternity.
Ermac:
Ermac wins the Mortal Kombat, and reveals to the world that he neither sides with Earth, nor the Outworld. He wants to become the ultimate champion which he has acomplished. He starts to gloat and make an ass of himself. Rayden finds Ermac very annoying and stupid, and delivers the ultimate punshiment: he gives Ermac a new kind of finisher: The Lameality. Ermac kisses his foe, their head inflates, an arcade falls on them, he grows really big stomps them, throws millions of bombs out and makes the world explode. Ermac then comits sucicide a week later.
Rogue Sub-Zero:
Sub-Zero finds himself being stalked by the IRS cyber ninjas. To pay for Subby's neat costumes and powers he had to max out all his credit cards. The IRS sent their cyber ninjas to collect from Sub-Zero. After beating Shao Khan's forces. Zero destroys the two ninjas but a elusive 3rd ninja suprises Subby and brutaly kills him. But the human inside the machine; Smoke, realizes what he had just done, killed Zub-Zero who was Smoke's lover in Lin Kuei college. He is now traped in his artificial body forever mourning the loss of his "Subby".
Rain:
After beating his master Shao Khan, Rain frees his home world of Edenia. He becomes a great hero and is respected and admired, but starts to get full of himself however, boasting that he can have any woman in either realm. People become annoyed, and call him names and say that he is just another pallette swap. Rain becomes depressed and joins a self-help group, but was last seen wandering the alleys, with a teddy bear and wearing underwear over his pants.
Raiden:
Destroying Shao Khan in the trilogy events, Raiden meets up with the other earth warriors. However, Raiden was critized for not participating in 3rd tournament, or the Ultimate tournament. Raiden begs for forgivness. Stating that he had marital and social problems at the time. The other kombatants turn away in digust, and slap a law suit on Raiden's ass. They go for a 7 month trial, claiming that Raiden swore to protect the earth, but failed to do so in the tournaments he missed. They win, and take all Raiden's money, he electrocutes himself a day later.
Reptile:
Reptile defeats his dark master in a sweat it out, 5 hour bedlam brawl, and is victorious! He becomes very impressed with his own skills and feels they could be put to use in other fashions. A producer for Adult movies saw the fight, and gave Reptile a contract, Reptile lonely for companionship, agrees. He trains for weeks and developes his running elbow into a new move called the "running blowjob" and his acid spit into...uh.....never mind.
Johnny Cage:
The noble essence of the real Johnny Cage possessed a new body to compete in the battles and won. He then revealed to the other kombatants, that he didn't do this just to avenge his murder, he had done it because he never got a chance to get to third base with Sonya Blade when he was alive. Sure he might have made if safely to 1st, and he barely got to second, but 3rd was never accomplished. Sonya feeling sorry for him took him back to her appartement. Johnny Cage then pased away a few days later..finding out the true meaning of life. (heh heh)
Baraka:
Winning the battles of the trilogy events, Baraka becomes frusterated with the elder gods. He becomes perplexed on why he hasn't been included in all the tournaments. "Hey, come'on now. I have done my damndest to be the coolest kombatant! Look, I found these neat aluminum spikes I put them in my arms for Kahn's sake!" Baraka depressd, left the fighting ring and became a postal worker, and then shot a bunch a people a week later.
Kitana:
Kitana fufills her dream, to destroy her evil step father Shao Kahn. She finds hapiness with Liu Kang, and discovers her true purpose in her long life- To become the best damn go-go dancer either realm has ever seen. She starts off in earth, her exotic fan stuff getting her millions of admirers. Then moves to Outworld, and becomes a greater success, Then finally the Elder Gods, where Rayden has a scandalous affair with her, not regretting it one bit.
Jade:
Jade, with her awesome array of techniques, easily defeats Mortaro and Shao Kahn. She celebrates her victory and sets the Outworld back to Edenia with Kitana's help. However, she soon realizes what a cliche' her identity is. Her name is Jade, her outfit is jade. She dispises this fact and changes her name and outfit to Turquoise. Her apperence becomes appauling to other kombatants, and is banished to all discos.
Classic Sub-Zero:
After toppling Shao Kahn, Classic Sub-Zero reveals his mysterious identity; he is John Turk's evil brother Winkle Turk. He was jealous of John's accoplishments ie; becoming the man who supplied 75% of UMK3 fighters. He wanted his piece of the pie and murdered his brother and claimed his name. Then using the many identities of the ninjas to pull of baffling bank robberies.
Liu Kang:
Liu Kang wins yet another MK tournament, and this time he does become cocky and arrogent, like all people would. Raiden gets annoyed from his brash behavior and tells him he no longer can be a Shaolin warrior, Liu Kang is fine with that. He moves to Miami beach and persues his real ambition in life...to become a pimp king. Kang buys a frilly feather hat, a cane and a long neon coat and changes his name to "Big Daddy Liu."
Kano:
Kano fails to win any tournament and when reports to the Black Dragon headquarters, they annoymously decided to kick Kano out of the group. Kano becomes very depressed, but the Black Dragon leaves him with a parting gift, a membership into another club, the Barney Fan club. Since Kano is too old to do many of the children's activities, he gets employed for the club. Kano spends the rest of his life in a Barney suit visiting kids parties, and getting poked by their party hats.
Kabal:
Kabal soon learns after winning the tournament, that he can put his other skills to good use and make a fortune. After he's a recognizable figure to the world for winning the Mortal Kombat, LucasArts makes him and offer to appear in the new Star Wars movie as the part of Darth Vader. His neat artificial resprirator giving him that cool deep voice, he was an obvious choice for the role. The movie makes millions, Kabal becomes a superstar. And spends the rest of his life in his billion dollar penthouse, smoking cigars and laughing.
Shang Tsung:
Shang Tsung takes his morphing skills to new heights after he wins the tournament. He morphs a little too much however, changing to other forms at random, but he kind of overloads his body and kind of explodes, duplicating the last person he morphed into, which was himself. He creates an exact duplicate of himself, but an evil one, well not his normal evil, mischivious evil. This duplicate then insults Shang's girlfriend's mother, cheats on her, insults all the huge, tough guys he knows, and confesses to the murder of President Kennedy to the police, and then the duplicate disappears. Shang Tsung is totally screwed.
Stryker:
Stryker very satisfied after winning the MK, returns to his job as a police officer. But in the invasion of Shao Khan, many of the cops were killed, so the city had to find some more efficient law enforcement. They bring in Robocop, a half-man half-cyborg deal who cleans up the city streets of it's criminals and stray Outworlders. The cyborg is heraled as a great hero and gets appointed Stryker's job. Stryker now demmoted to a janitor, is crazy with revenge and pushes Robocop down the stairs, Robocop is destroyed and the Police force Stryker to pay for his reconstruction. Being only a lowly janitor he cannot pay for anything so he gets fired and now lives as a bum, pretending to shoot criminals with a pop gun.
Jax:
Since Jax won the tournament without any losses and did such a great job, Raiden was happy to inform him that the Elder Gods were so pleased with his work that they agreed to give Jax a single wish. Jax was racked with a tough choice, but in the end he asked that Sonya and he had never worked together so they wouldn't have any awkward feelings if they started a relationship. The Elder Gods were happy to grant it. And it worked, months later they were wed. Jackson and Sonya Briggs had two children and all seemed happy, until Jax caught her cheating on him one day...with one of the Elder Gods. Furious that his wish was wasted, he went to the Elder gods and began to swear. The Elder gods simply gave him the finger and told him to piss off.
Kung Lao:
Kung Lao has a fierce and bloody battle with Shao Khan, the fate of the World at stake. Kung wins narrowly, and knocks Khan into the pit of twirling spike thingies where he's shredded up real nice. The wounds he reicieved in battle were too grave however, and was believed to have died shortly after just as Liu Kang arrived at the scene. Liu finding no body also came to terms that his friend met the end. But deep down in the pit, passed the swirling spike thingies, Kung Lao lives in a underworld cavern, his face hediously scarred from battle. A man like this now so vile, twisted, distrubed and ugly was the perfect one, so he spends his time writing songs for Aqua.
Sindel:
Sindel does not beat her husband Shao Khan, because she is detained right before the match by her daughter Kitana. Shao Khan gets mad at this, and all three family members engage in a vicious argument. Weeks later, Kitana decides to bring themselves to the Jerry Springer show to settle their disputes."Okay now we have Shao Khan, dark ruler of the Outworld...come on out here Shao!" (Khan sits down next to Sindel and Kitana) "Now you have something to tell your wife and step-daughter don't you?" "Yes I do Jerry, Sindel, Kitana, I'm gay and I've been seeing someone else." Shao says, Sindel stands up and screams, "Why you lousy *!#@!* why do you pull this kind of $*%&# on me, you *&%$#!@!# and !@#$%?&*!!"
Sheeva:
Sheeva beats Shao Khan up with a variety of moves she came up with in the middle of the battle, which even surprises herself. But the Outworld portals close after Shao is killed, so she couldn't make it back to the outworld where she belongs. She wanders the earth for months not finding her true calling in life, until she went to a wrestling show one faithfull day. She was displayed on the Jumbo-Vison screen where an agent saw her, and after the event, approaches her with an offer for a career. Sheeva accepts, and with her powerful skills becomes a woman wrestling champion. She uses a a chair to sometimes knock out a stuborn foe, but she doesn't have to worry about the ref seeing it, he never does.
That's all for now!
If you have some creative and funny endings or opening stories, then please send them in! Any that are humerous and unique, but not to explicit will be posted, and you'll get full credit!
THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR
Created by a Warrior, wayofwar@hotmail.com
Last modified: July 9, 1998
