LITTLE JOHNNY
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LITTLE JOHNNY

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LIKE YOUR THINKING


One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

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DRAWING

 Mrs Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the
 class to play a game where one student starts
 drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.

 She thinks and decides not to start with Johnny,
 because he is so naughty and always has some "unusual"
 picture in mind.

    So she starts with Anne.
    Anne: "This is our House"


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              /      \
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    The teacher: "Good, Anne!"  and asks Peter to draw next:

        Peter: "This is our House door"


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     The teacher: "Very good, Peter" and calls Mary:

       Mary: "This is our house roof"



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             /UU\
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   The teacher: "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie:

       Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house."

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     The teacher: "very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is
 not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture
 and asks Johnny to come to the board.

     Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the
              soap when he dropped it in the shower.


            ______
           /      \
          /   \|/  \
         /    -O-   \
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         |    /\    |
         |   /UU\   |
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         | /      \ |
         | |      | |
         | |  _   | |
        _| | | |  | |_
       (___| |_|  |___)


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FASCINATING


The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons,
but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."

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BEAUTIFUL


The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to         come to the        front of the class and use a word in a sentence.  Today's word         is        "beautiful".
  Little Sally, would you please come up here and         use        "beautiful" in a sentence?" 
 Little Sally walked to the front         of the room,        thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most         beautiful woman in        the world." 
 Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may         sit.   Little        Frankie, your turn."
  Little Frankie walked to the front of the         room,        thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this         morning was        the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
  Teacher says,         "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit.        Little Johnny, it's your turn."
 Little Johnny walked to the         front of the        room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my         big sister told        my dad that she was pregnant and he said,
 'Beautiful, just         fucking beautiful.'"

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ANIMALS


 One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.  She holds         up a picture        of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.  No one         raises his/her        hand.  The teacher says "See it's long neck?  What animal has a         long neck?"
       Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.  "Very         good Sally," the        teacher replies.
 Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None         of the        students holds up his/her hands.  "See the stripes on this         animal?        What animal has stripes?"  Billy holds up his hand and says it         is a zebra.        "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. 
 Next she holds up a         picture of a deer.              None of the students holds up his/her hand.   "See the  big         antlers on this        animal.  What animal has horns like this?"  Still no one         guesses.  "Let me        give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your         father.
       "Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
     

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COOKIES


Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought         around        cookies for snack time.  "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
          "I don't        fucking want one," declared Johnny.  The teacher was shocked. 
       She called        Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a         meeting the next        day..  When  Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had         her hide behind        the curtain until snack time came around.    As she came to         Little Johnny,        she again told him "Here Little Johnny.   It's time for your         cookie." 
  "I        don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.    The         teacher pulled        aside the curtain and said to his mother,  "See?  Did you hear         what he        said?"
  "So don't fucking give him one," said Little Johnny's         mother.

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HOME ALONE


A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little         Johnny        answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
  The salesman         says, "Little        boy, is your mother home?" 
 Little Johnny taps his ash on the         carpet and        says, "What do you think?"
     

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HOW OLD?


A guy's walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a         cigarette.
       He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." 
  Johnny looks up         and doesn't        say anything.
       The guy says, "How old are you?"
       Johnny says, "Six."
       The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
         Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
       The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When         was that?"
       Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

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LIKE YOUR THINKING 2


This is a story about Johnny's day at school....Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game!
The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."
Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.
Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnny and said, "No Johnny, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, "Now Johnny, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnny stopped her and said,
"But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!

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PROPER WORDING


Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his arm         saying,        "teacher!, teacher! I have to go pee!" 
 The teacher called         Johnny to her        desk and said, "Now Johnny, in this class we use proper         wording, the correct        word is urinate. 
  You may go to the bathroom, but when you         come back I want        you to give me a sentence using the word urinate."
  So Johnny         goes down the        hall to the bathroom and when he comes back the teacher says,         "OK..  Johnny,        I want to hear your sentence now
" Little Johnny says," O.K.,         here        goes
---Urinate, but you'd be a ten if your tits were         bigger"!!!!
     

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PUSSY WILLOWS


Little Johnny goes walking down the street with a roll of duct tape.
His neighbor comes out and asks, "Hey Johnny, where are you going with that duct tape?"
Johnny says, "I'm gonna get me some ducks."
The neighbor scoffs, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Johnny says, "Oh yes I can!" and continues down the road. A couple hours later, here comes Johnny with all these ducks wrapped in the duct tape. The neighbor sees him and is amazed.
The next day, Johnny walks down the street with chicken wire. "Hey Johnny, where are you going with that chicken wire?"
"I'm gonna get me some chickens!"
Again the neighbor scoffs, "You moron! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Oh yes I can!" and off he goes. A couple of hours later, here comes Johnny with a bunch of chickens in the chicken wire. The neighbor again looks totally amazed.
The next day, the neighbor sees Johnny walking down the street with Pussy Willows in his hand. He comes running out shouting,
"Hey Johnny.......wait up for me!"

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RECTUM!


Little Johnny's teacher asked him how the weekend went. He told her, "horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass."
She corrected, "rectum."
Johnny said, "wrecked him? Damn near killed him!!"

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SPELLING BEE


 Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class.
  He had to spell         the        word and use it in a sentence.   The teacher asked him to         please        spell the word              "ear".
  Little Johnny stood up and proudly said "E,A,R".   Then         to use        it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and        then while        pretending to have  his lungs full of smoke he pretended to         pass the        joint to  little Suzy and said "Ear"

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