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Back to Todays Joke
The Jokes
A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems.
A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the
computer all night.
A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone.
A modem comes with an instruction manual.
I asked how much and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!"
I said with approval, "just add it to my tab".
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and
it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95
for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom
of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00". That's
outrageous!!!
I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them that the waitress said
it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty
dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase.
Neiman-Marcus refused to budge.
They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the
waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe
- we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained
to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened
to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney
General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want,
we dont give a damn, and we're not refunding your money."
I waited a moment, thinking of how I could get even, or even try to get
any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00,
and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was
going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an
e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for
free.
She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this" I said, "Well you should
have thought of that before you ripped me off", and slammed down the
phone on her.
So, here it is!!!
Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can
possibly think of.
I paid $250.00 dollars for this... I don't want
Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe...
(Recipe may be halved):
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal
(measure oatmeal and blend in blender to a fine powder)
24 oz. chocolate chips
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp. vanilla
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together
with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate
chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart
on a cookie sheet.
Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.
Have Fun!!!
This is not a joke - this is a true story...
Ride free
citizens!!!!
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."¸
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist
and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied
courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no,"
came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care
to
select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist
nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs
please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and
went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and
next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was
still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary
replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I
have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that
nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could
contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always
looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the
receptionist.
"OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused
awhile,
then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her
journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written. Here it is.........
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!
Dec 2
5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the
first we've seen in years. The wife and I take out our hot-buttered
rum and sit by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift
down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was
beautiful.
Dec 3
We woke up to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled for the first time
in years and loved it. Did both our sidewalk and our driveway.
Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up
our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver
smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Dec 10
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and
shrubs broke off due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our
driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did
his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Dec 11
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought new snow
tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. Went to a
chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Dec 12
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get
her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable
damage to the right real quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of
the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.
More shoveleing in store for me today. That god damn snowplow
came by twice today.
Dec 13
2 degrees outside today. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub
on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of
the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a
kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned our house
down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree
burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows.
Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totalled.
Dec 14
God damn mother-fucking shit keeps on coming down. Have to put
on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever
catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew his chest
open and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street
about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off.
Toilet froze and part of our roof has started to cave in.
Dec 15
6 god damn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet
and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of fuckin' white shit
fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice
ax, but he got away. Wife left me, car wouldn't start. I think I'm
going snow-blind. I can't move my toes, haven't seen the sun in
weeks, more snow predicted. Wind chill is 22 fuckin' degrees below
0. I'm moving back to Georgia.
Mabel said "What's the good news?" The doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you."
Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?" The doctor said "You're pregnant!" Mabel flew out of his office.
She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!"
After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"
9) We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
8) The US Gov't would get subsidies from an auto maker-a first.
7) The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be
replaced by a 'GENERAL CAR FAULT' warning light.
6) Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered,
twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the
roads.
5) You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4) You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you
bought Car95 or CarNT - but then you would need to buy more
seats.
3) Occasionally your car would die for no reason and you would have
to restart it. Strangely, you would accept this as normal.
2) Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy
a new car.
1) People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars,
forgetting that the same features had been available from other
car makers for years.
