1. Sins Of The Past:
No Disclaimer.
2. Chariots Of War:
No Disclaimer.
3. Dreamworker:
No Disclaimer.
4. Cradle of Hope:
No babies were harmed during the production of this
motion picture.
5. The Path Not Taken:
No Disclaimer.
6. The Reckoning:
No Disclaimer.
7. The Titans:
No Disclaimer.
8. Prometheus:
Iolas was harmed during the production of this motion
picture. However, the Green Egg Men went on to
live prosperous lives.
9. Death In Chains:
No jumbo-sized cocktail rats were harmed during the
making of this motion picture.
10. Hooves & Harlots:
No males, Centaurs, or Amazons were harmed during
the production of this motion picture.
11. The Black Wolf:
No Disclaimer.
12. Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts:
No Oversized Polynesian-style Bamboo Horses were
harmed during the production of this motion picture.
However, many wicker lawn chairs gave their lives.
13. Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards:
The producers would like to acknowledge and pay
tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and all those
who were involved with the making of the film classic,
Spartacus. Additional thanks to Steve Reeves.
14. A Fistful of Dinars:
No Ambrosia was Spilled, Spoiled or in any way harmed
during the making of this motion picture.
(Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)
15. Warrior ... Princess:
Neither Xena nor her remarkable coincidental identical
twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this
motion picture.
16. Mortal Beloved:
No winged Harpies were harmed or sent to a fiery grave
during the production of this motion picture.
17. The Royal Couple of Thieves:
No ancient and inflexible rules governing moral
behavior were harmed during the production of this
motion picture.
18.The Prodigal:
Meleager the Mighty, the generally tipsy and carousing warrior-for-hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
19. Altared States:
No Unrelenting or Severely Punishing Deities were
harmed during the production of this motion picture.
20. Ties That Bind:
No fathers, spiritual or biological, were harmed during
the production of this motion picture.
21. The Greater Good:
Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social
ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure.
Play it safe.
22. Callisto:
Joxer's nose was not harmed during the production of
this motion picture. However, his crossbow was
severely damaged.
23. Death Mask:
No messenger doves were harmed during the production
of this motion picture. However,several were reported
missing in action, and search-and-rescue efforts are
under way.
24. Is There a Doctor in the House?:
Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed
during the production of this motion picture(but since
television is a dramatic medium of make-believe, all
casualties removed theirprosthetic make-up and went
home unscathed).
Season Two....
1. Orphan of War:
No sleazy warlords who find it necessary to drink magic
elixirs that turn them into scaly Centaurs were harmed
during the production of this motion picture.
2. Remember Nothing:
Xena's memory was not damaged or ... what was I saying?
3. Giant Killer:
No biblical myths or icons were irreparably mangled during the
production of this motion picture.
4. Girls Just Wanna have Fun:
No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the making
of this motion picture. However,several Dryads lost
their heads.
5. Return of Callisto:
Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis
Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out
of her leather unmentionables.
6. Warrior ... Princess ... Tramp:
Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental twin,
Diana, were harmed during the production of this
motion picture. Meg, however, suffered minor
injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.
7. Intimate Stranger:
Argo was not harmed during the making of this
motion picture. However, she is undergoing
intensive psycho-therapy to help her work
through her resentment and feelings of distrust
towards Xena.
8. Ten Little Warlords:
No one was harmed in the making of the motion
picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her
body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless's
unexpected mishap.
9. A Solstice Carol:
Senticles was not harmed during in the making
of this motion picture. However, several
chimneys are in dire need of repair.
10. The Xena Scrolls:
No Hollywood Producers were harmed in the
making of this motion picture.
11.Here She Comes ... Miss Amphipolis:
No ribbons were harmed during the making
of this motion picture. However several
experienced severe motion sickness.
12.Destiny:
Julius Caesar was not harmed during the
production of this motion picture. However,
the producers deny responsibility of any
unfortunate acts of betrayal occurring soon
thereafter.
13.The Quest:
Xena's body was not harmed during the production
of this motion picture. However, it took
Autolycus weeks to get his swagger back.
14. A Necessary Evil:
The reputation of the Amazon Nation was not
harmed despite Velasca's overly radical
adherence to an otherwise valid belief system.
15. A Day in the Life:
No slimy eels were harmed during the production
of this motion picture despite their
reputation as a fine delicacy in select
cultures of the known world.
16.For Him the Bell Tolls:
The producers wish to acknowledge the
inspiration of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the
classic motion picture Court Jester.
17.The Execution:
By popular demand ‘The Executioner' will
bring back his comfortable lightweight cotton-flax
blend robe in a variety of spring colors.
18.Blind Faith:
Once again, Gabrielle's luck with men was harmed during the production of this motion
picture.
19. Ulysses:
Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling,
Ulysses' ship was not harmed in the production
of this motion picture.
20.The Price:
To show sympathy for the Horde, 'kaltaka'
was only served upon request.
21. Lost Mariner:
Cecrops' Joie de Vivre was not harmed
during the production of this motion picture.
22. A Comedy of Eros:
No Cherries were harmed during the production
of this motion picture.
Season Three....
1. The Furies:
Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies,
however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.
2. Been There, Done That:
The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers
were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and mousse straightened out the mess.
3. The Dirty Half Dozen:
No Convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get
along?
4. The Deliverer:
Gabrielle was slightly well-done during the production of this motion picture. However, the
producers would like to recommend a zesty barbecue sauce to bring out the full favor of the
episode.
5. Gabrielle's Hope:
Despite witnessing the bizarre and somewhat disturbing birth of Gabrielle's Hope, no farm
animals were harmed or traumatized during the production of this motion picture.
6. The Debt, Part I:
No Frock Tarts (a.k.a. costume designers) were killed during the production of this motion
picture although they wish they had been.
7. The Debt, Part II:
Xena and Gabrielle's relationship suffered another blow (although Gabrielle doen't know it
yet) during the production of this motion picture.
8. King of Assassins:
Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously
harmed during the production of this motion picture.
9. Warrior ... Priestess ... Tramp:
Despite another lookalike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the
production of this motion picture.
10. The Quill Is Mightier:
No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
11. Maternal Instincts:
Xena and Gabrielle's relationship was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
12. The Bitter Suite:
The musical genre was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, the
Producers sincerely hope you were A-MUSE-D by this episode.
13. One Against an Army:
Gabrielle's ankle was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
14. Forgiven:
No street-talking, cat-fighting, barroom-brawling juvenile delinquents were harmed during the
production of this motion picture.
15. King Con:
No con men were conned during the production of this motion picture.
16. When in Rome:
Caesar's Palace was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However,
Crassus and the gladiators went down for the count.
17. Forget me Not:
Xena and Joxer were not forgotten during the production of this motion picture.
18. Fins, Femmes & Gems:
Joxer's dignity was slightly harmed during the production of this motion picture. However,
Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to it's original condition.
19. Tsunami:
No cast or crew were singing "Tanks for the Memories" during the production of this motion
picture. However, the phrase "strike the set" was given new meaning.
20.Vanishing Act:
Upon the completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' scuba gear was placed on
display at the Athens' Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to
come.
21. The Sacrifice, Part I:
No pulsing coccoons were harmed during the production of this motion picture. What you
witnessed was purely a reenactment.
22. The Sacrifice, Part II:
Gabrielle finally went off the deep end during the production of this motion picture.
Season Four....
1. Adventures in the Sin Trade I:
No dead Amazons lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.
2. Adventures in the Sin Trade II:
Xena's search for Gabrielle was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
3. A Family Affair:
No Spike-skinned, Prickly, Incredibly hungry offspring who can't stand to run were harmed
during the production of this motion picture.
4. In Sickness and In Hell:
No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during
the production of this motion picture.
5. A Good Day:
No permanent battle scars were inflicted during the production of this motion picture.
6. A Tale of Two Muses:
No self-righteous magistrates intent on suppressing the basic
human right of freedom of expression were harmed during the
production of this motion picture.
7. Locked Up and Tied Down:
No rabid flesh-eating crabs were harmed during the production of
this motion picture.
8. Crusader:
Xena's Best Chewing Tooth was not harmed during the production of
this motion picture.
9. Past Imperfect:
Borias' goose was cooked during the production of this motion picture.
10. Key to the Kingdom:
No Priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origins, were
harmed during the filming of this motion picture.
11. Daughter of Pomira:
No Blonde-Hair, Blue-Eyed Horde girls or their extended families were
harmed during the production of this motion picture. Lakota toti.
Bonai. Soli bonai (People all. Good. Only good).
12. If the Shoe Fits:
No Fractured Fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
13. Paradise Found:
Paradise was found, but not necessarily embraced, during the
production of this motion picture.
14. Devi:
In memory of Women's Best Friend: Bear, Dodger, Kali, Samantha, Taffy, Bear
15. Between the Lines:
Xena's Chakram got Gabrielle by the short hairs during the production of this motion picture.
16. The Way:
Any similarities between Hanuman and a major character in the motion picture classic "Planet
of the Apes" is purely coincidental.
17. The Play's The Thing:
Although no great literary works were harmed or plagiarized, a few thespians stole some
scenes during the production of this motion picture.
18. The Convert:
Argo's gastronomical condition was cleared up upon the completion of this motion picture.
19. Takes One to Know One:
Argo was once again proven innocent during the production of this motion picture.
20. Endgame:
Pompey's rule came to a head during the making of this motion picture.
21. Ides of March:
Xena and Gabrielle were killed during the production of this motion picture.
22. Deja Vu All Over Again:
No sword-wielding, card-playing, therapy-seeking French Freedom fighters were delivered
during the production of this motion picture. However rumors of Custer and Pocahontas
remain unconfirmed.
Season Five....
1. Fallen Angel:
Hell Hath No Fury like a Woman Scorned.
2. Chakram:
Xena's Dark and Violent Past was restored during the production of
this motion picture.
3. Succession:
Ares' Libido was not harmed during the production of this
motion picture.
4. Animal Attraction:
Although The Rabbit Died, No other animals were harmed
during the production of this motion picture.
5. Them Bones, Them Bones:
Xena and Alti were Bad To The Bone during the
production of this motion picture.
6. Purity:
To obtain a copy of Joxer's recipe for Moo Shu Sauce and other Chinese delicacies visit your local bookstore or look for it at the tavern.
7. Back in the Bottle:
Pao Ssu's split personality was not harmed during the
production of this motion picture.
8. Little Problems:
No Pie Tins were harmed during the making of Tharon's mask.
9. Seeds of Faith:
Thanks to Eli's non-violent ways, many people lost their lives during the production of this motion picture
10. Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire:
No lyres were strung out during the production of this motion picture.
11. Punch Lines:
Gabrielle and Argo were shrunk and Permanently Pressed during
the production of this motion picture.
12. God Fearing Child:
Zeus cashed in his chips during the production of this motion picture.
13. Eternal Bonds:
Ares' virility was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
14. Amphipolis Under Siege:
Post production was under siege during the production of this motion picture.
15. Married with Fishsticks:
No Sea Nymphs or other Denizens of the Deep were harmed during the production of this
motion picture.
16. Life Blood:
The Surgeon General confirms practising Weird and Grotesque Amazon rituals may be hazardous to your health.
17. Kindred Spirits:
Many Cinnamon Swirls lost their lives during the making of Gabrielle's headdress.
18. Antony and Cleopatra:
No rubberized snakes intent on destroying the Queen of Egypt were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
19. Looking Death in the Eye:
Death almost died during the production of this motion picture.
20. Livia:
Due to an overabundance of Beans and Bard Burgers, Meg's gastrointestinal problem intensified during the production of this motion picture.
21. Eve:
Joxer's sudden and unexpected death slowed down his rapid aging process during the production of this motion picture
22. Motherhood:
All the gods were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Season Six....
1. Coming Home:
Xena and Gabrielle's psyche were harmed
during the making of this motion picture.
2. The Haunting of Anphipolis:
No maggots were harmed during the making of this
motion picture, although a few were found stuck
in Gabrielle's teeth.
3. Heart Of Darkness:
All Hell broke loose during the
filming of this motion picture.
4. Who's Gurkhan?:
Xena's uncanny ability to recover from devastating wounds
was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
5. Legacy:
Despite severe air turbulence, no sand dunes were harmed
during the making of this motion picture, although some
experienced periodic bouts of motion sickness.
6. The Abyss:
Virgil's appetite was suppressed during the making of this motion picture.
7. The Rheingold:
No flying horses were harmed during the making of this motion picture, although several villages were bombarded with aerial manure.
8. The Ring:
Gabrielle's popularity surged during the making
of this motion picture.
9. The Return of the Valkyrie:
Any Similarity Between Our Story and The Classic Childrens Fairy Tale Is Purely Coincidental
10. Old Ares Had A Farm:
Ares went to the dogs in the making of this motion picture.
11. Dangerous Prey:
Raczar mysteriously disappeared at the completion of production of this motion picture and is rumored to have been living under the guise of "Prince Vladimar Barbeque Raczar?"
12. The God You Know:
Gabrielle's undercover disguise was extensively harmed during the making of this motion picture.
13. You Are There:
Linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
14. Path of Vengence:
The disclaimer for this episode was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
15. To Helicon & Back:
No shark bait was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
16. Send in The Clones:
No Xena fans were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
17. Last Of The Centaurs:
The centaur population was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
18. When Fates Collide:
As the Fates would have it, Caesar was once again harmed during the making of this motion picture.
19. Many Happy Returns:
No fish guts were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
20. Soul Possession:
Joxer's process of elimination was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
21. A Friend in Need 1:
Xena and Gabrielle's Flying Circus and Amateur Fire Brigade will be arriving in your town soon.
22. A Friend in Need 2:
Xena was permanently harmed in the making of this motion picture, but kept her spirits up.
