*Only a Dream*
*By: JLJ*
*Summary: A short, yet sad vignette from Butch's POV about two words that changed the course of his life forever...
*Author's Note: I wrote this fic to be the companion piece to Musashi's fic, "", this time, from Butch's POV. Merry Christmas 1999, Sashi-chan! May this new millennium be full of great times together, as this year did! ^_^ Best Buddies Forever! ^~
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Love Power.
How much those two words alone have impacted my life- for better or for worse.
Love Power.
Only two words in themselves, yet so much meaning in just three syllables.
I gaze at my partner and struggle to decipher the code- perhaps some sort of reference or symbol, alluding to something more... something that I desire with all my heart and soul.
I open my mouth to speak, to finally express my innermost thoughts and feelings, but only stop and hesitantly close it again. It's no use. I just can't do it.
I care about my partner with a deep love that I never thought possible to feel. It had been my belief that Team Rocket had conditioned every last trace of humanity out of me, making myself yet another cold, emotionless lackey necessary for their plans of world domination. Then... when I met her... I knew that I had been mistaken.
With her pale skin so silky smooth, her blonde hair glistening in the noonday sun, offset by beautiful violet eyes that when they met my own, seemed to discover everything about me, even aspects of myself that I had long forsaken...
There really is no other explanation for it; we're more than just partners... we're a team. She completes me, makes me a whole person.
So many words I long to say, to softly whisper in her ear while I hold her close... but... I can't even utter a sound. The dreadful noise that would escape my throat would be too much for me to bear!
People think that I don't notice the glances and looks I receive when I speak in public. Even a casual conversation between friends and I is enough to warrant stares and grimaces in my direction, making me stammer, only adding to my awkwardness.
Today, I wish again for the millionth time that people could just understand me. Do they honestly think that I *wanted* to sound like this? They whisper among themselves, the phrases of "drug addict" and "chain smoker" not falling far from my ears.
I suppose I should be used to it by now... I've heard these things all my life, but still I explain again and again that it was nothing I did that caused me to be this way. I was born with my vocal chords defected, damaged, forever doomed to never sound what our society calls "normal." Perhaps... if I HAD done something, that it had been my fault, then it might be that much easier to bear... but I've done nothing.
Nothing at all.
It is because of the gravelly, harsh discord that is my voice, that I have never known what love is. The moment that any girl hears me speak, she does one of two things: 1.) politely find some excuse to leave, or 2.) just turn and run away.
My partner, however, was the one exception to this. She would always defend me, balling her fists immediately at anyone who dare insult my honor, or... lack thereof.
For that I owe her my eternal gratitude, but hesitate to speak often even in front of her, for fear of gradually becoming an annoyance.
If... If... only... I sounded like other men... maybe then I would be brave enough to say what I long to whisper more than anything else in the world...
'I love you, Cassidy...'
But, I can't! I mustn't! I would rather die than say them, and watch her soulful eyes fill with utter humiliation and embarrassment.
To feel rejection from the only woman I'll ever love...
Love Power.
The two most wonderful, but devastating words of all...
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Copyright ©1999
By *JLJ*
Feedback? You bet! (Butch@team-rocket.net)
