Eternity's Story
Even before the birth of our first child, we had dreamed
of adding a second child to our family. We knew that we wanted our
children close together, so they would grow up close in age
with their siblings, as we had with ours.
When our daughter was nine months old, we decided it was time to
add that other child to our family. Within the month, Eternity
was on her way. On July 3, 1999, we found out that we were pregnant!
We were immediately excited, and utterly in love.
I had horrible morning sickness. I was sick all hours of the day for
over 5 weeks, except when I was sleeping. This was new for me,
since I felt fantastic with my daughter, so I was sure
that this time we were having a boy. Everything was so
different, from the way I felt and looked, to the way the baby
moved around.
I went for a routine Ultrasound on October 25, 1999, and expected
everything to be fine, because my earlier U/S at 11 and a half
weeks was good. The tech took an extremely long time, and finally
told us that she was positive that we were having a girl.
I was shocked that everything could be so different with
two girl pregnancies, but happy. My little girl was going to have
a sister! The tech continued measuring for another hour. Finally she
printed out 4 face shots of my baby, and said, "what a beautiful
baby." She said that she would be back in a few minutes, and
I waited looking at my new daughter.
The doctor came back with her, and said for me to lie back down, because there
was something wrong with the baby, and he wanted to look at a few things,
and then go to his office to talk. I was shocked, and deeply saddened.
I sat there wondering what was happening, and why me.
I followed the doctor into his office, and he started spitting out
medical jargon. I made him stop, and told him to call my husband
up from his office downstairs before he continued. When my
husband arrived, he continued. "Your baby has some form of skeletal dysplasia,
her left femur has been broken, and has healed back curved.
Her other femur may have some slight curvature, but it was hard to tell."
Then he told of her lower legs. Both legs were broken midway between the knee and ankle.
They were bent and fused together at 90 degree angles. I felt
like I was dreaming. My husband held my hand as I cried and wondered
why. He told me only time would tell if it was a mild case
like dwarfism, or a fatal condition. That the chances were that more
deformaties would develop, as she developed. There was also
only a 50% chance that it would be able to be diagnosed before birth.
He told us there was no way to discuss treatments for her, until we had a diagnosis.
He also assured me that I had done nothing to cause this. Some Comfort!
So we left there only knowing that she had horrible deformations, that might
stay the same, or get worse, knew nothing about survival chances, no support groups,
and no idea of how she would be treated if she survived until birth.
I came home and cried all night. The next day, I turned towards the Internet
for answers. Slowly I began to find more information. As I had
letters to experts answered, I was given several different diseases to look
at. It began to seem that the prognosis was not a very hopeful one. I began to
find out that bone breakage in Utero is serious, and the earlier discovered,
nearly always lethal before birth, and if she lived long enough to be born
it would be more than likely lethal within the first few
weeks of life due to respiratory failure. It seemed under the best conditions what
we had to look forward to was the birth of a very sick baby, who would probably
go straight to a respirator, only to die within the first couple of weeks.
The thought of seeing her suffer broke our hearts. We had made the tough choice
for pregnancy interuption with very heavy hearts.
I was also during this time going to other doctor visits
so I could look some more at what was going on with her legs for myself.
I had been praying that some miracle would happen, so I could back out.
I also needed that reassurance that this was really wrong, even if I looked
forty more times, so I could see it again and again. During one of my visits,
a couple of days before the procedure was scheduled, it was
determined that she had died.
We had not picked out a name for a girl yet, because had we had thought
of only boy names. We both felt strange about picking out a name from a baby
book now, but I felt it was important for my healing to give her a
name. I had wanted it to be something that fit who she was, and as
special as she was to us. As I was sitting there crying,
wondering why, her name came to me. I believe spoke to my heart by
God, because immediately I had a peace come over me. I feel
a peace every time I say or think it.
I had my D&E on November 6, 1999. The hardest thing for me to know that I was going
to wake up and no longer have her body inside of mine, even if she was no longer alive, and
knowing I would not see her. My choice to imagine her perfect, instead of seeing the horrible reality.
I don't think that I will ever be able to talk about 100% of that day.
The judgement I received from others who did not know my story, yet
assumed the worst of me.
The only beauty in all of this was that we would be able to keep
her cremated remains. Someday we will decide if we will spread
them, and where. We plan on letting our daughter, and any other
children we have be a part of that. For now she is near us, in the only
concrete way we have to remember her. She remains with
us in spirit, always.
"I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life"
from I knew I loved you, by Savage Garden
I'll be your cloud up in the sky,
I'll be your shoulder when you cry,
I'll hear your voices when you call me,
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here,
No matter how far you are, I'm near,
I'm your angel
I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry,
It doesn't have to be this way,
let me show you a better day
I'll be your cloud up in the sky,
I'll be your shoulder when you cry,
I'll hear your voices when you call me,
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here,
No matter how far you are, I'm near,
I am your angel,
I'm your angel
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I AM YOUR ANGEL!
From Lyrics by: R. Kelly, Sung by: Celine Dion
FOOTPRINTS
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him, and the other belonging to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome
times in my life, there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me.
The Lord replied "My son. My precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
Author unknown
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