"Created by God
I used to watch C-SPAN and one day while looking at the introduction for C-SPAN, the letters transposed came into my head C-SPAN = P-SCAN, Persons or People-Stopping Child Abuse or Abusers Now. Who are the people I speak about?
You are the people, I am the people. The birth of this web page back in 1998.
I almost don't believe it, I have worked on this for so many years it has become an extention of me. Something I tried to stay away from, because of the importance of the issue. Ever hear the old saying,"Don't like the message, get the messenger." My life is a life of wreckage, allot to atack.
I am opening myself not with any sense of pride or boast.
I do not exude success and mental stability has not been my strongest suite.
I am being truthful and forthright.
dammaged by man."
I was afforded the opportunity by two very special people to take this from a simple letter to the web site before you. A real office, stocked and kept supplied that provided me with the ability to write letters, send faxes and do allot of networking. Would hand out flyers, while constantly working on this webpage, a computer. Something that was very difficult for me. I knew nothing about a computer or any of that stuff. But I stumbled along. Anyway someone bought P-SCAN and put up a soft porn site. I was beside myself.I called Rick and Marilyn, to vent. How could someone of done that, I was lost and confused. I was so naive. They listened, they were long haul truckers and on the road at the time. What could I name the new page? And it still say what I felt it should say, I asked myself and them. They called me back and it was Rick who came up with P-SCAT. Anyway If it wasn't for Rick and Marilyn this page and the light it helped to creat would not of so brightly shown...Thank-you Rick and Marilyn.
There is nothing to be proud of...I am expossing my greatest shame.
I am revealling myself with greater scrutiny than I usually would dare to but I am trying to show you the need to stop these people, I mean other than the normal sense of right or wrong. They rob one of their soul, their light, the inner god given beauty and sometimes their life itself.
There is a saying in the AA/NA program
"There but by the grace of god go I"
I know in my heart That it was only his grace that kept me alive.
It all started for me in 1965.
I, Donald Floyd Walker, was born in Wallace a mining town in the panhandle of Idaho on April 24, 1953. My mom Delores Lorraine and father Donald Earl Walker (from Mullan,Id.) were married and divorced twice. I was born in the first marriage and my brother was born in the second. My mom then married a miner who was a veteran and with the GI bill he went to college. We moved to Moscow Idaho so he could go to the University of Idaho, Moscow. In second grade the public school system wanted to keep me back for a year. My step-father took me out of the public school system changed my name and got the catholic school system (whom he detested) to take me in.
I had the ability I just lacked the maturity to retain. Maybe because I was having so much fun at home LOL. Their view was that I was just a lazy child and all I needed was discipline. She, Mother-- did stop randomly hitting me when I started hitting back and it was there that I also learned passive resistance. At home no one cared I was in 3rd grade and that’s all that was wanted, we must keep up the appearance. We then moved to Ca from Moscow, and my step-dad went to work for Douglas Aircraft on Ocean Park Blvd.
During that year my mom got rid of my step-dad and that week brought in Laura. Laura was nothing to me, either way, she never did me wrong. Laura was 32 or so years her Sr and they were together for over 32 years. Everyone thought Laura would go first but my mom died first of Cancer.
I have no memory of 4th grade, in west LA, 5th grade in Santa Monica is sketchy.
Nothing for the 6th grade in Venice, Ca. 7th grade is sketchy a 7vnth day Adventist school, I was socially passed 7nth, 8tth, and 9nth grade. I went to John Adams Jr. High in Santa Monica, Ca for 8th and 9nth and for 10nth grade I went to Santa Monica High, Samohi, and I only went to 10nth grade for a month or two.
I started using drugs to help deaden the for lack of a better expression the demons. For years it was an endless cycle of cleaning up from drugs only for them to come back. I tried all kinds of things to keep the edge off, there hauntings and/or possessions, that did help but never resolved the issue. You may ask didn't I try to get help. Yes I did and I was treated like I was a joke and I got tired of it. I figured it was going to be, I would fight them as long as I could but it was just a matter of time.
In 1977 I went into a drug and alcohol recovery program in Pasadena Ca and met a young lady who was in there. We ended up getting together and we got married and with her I sired 2 children. On paper we were married for 20 plus years. It was off and on but we did both really try. I was neither a good father, nor a good husband in that I was constantly in and out of their lives. I hurt their hearts trying to deal with my own issues. I used to justify my actions in my head thinking, at-least I never abused them, NEVER."WRONG". Sometimes a hurt or broken heart is worse than a beating or even other things. The heart may never
heal.
My actions were never intentional. As we get older sometimes wisdom and forgiveness supersedes bitterness and hatred. I pray the same for them. Hatred and/or bitterness is like a cancer and I would like them to have long happy, peaceful and content lives.
I moved to a different state and while there I met a young man. Now if I had allot of money and he was a she it might have raised only a couple of eyebrows but I am older with no money and he was not a she. After many years I destroyed that relationship and then I destroyed everything we had built up... Don't ever under-estamate some young adults, he helped me to grow-up and to mature but like the song sings "To everthing there is a season".
It was in this time frame that I, doing the best I could, found myself flat on my face calling out.
For me it finally got to the point where I could not deal anymore. The Jeckel-Hyde personalities had me too torn to focus on anything. The weight of my life and the truth on this page would get too heavy for me and at times I would self destruct and/or tailspin into major depressions. I knew that I was failing and that I was not smart enough to figure it out, or able to change it, but I just could not. I had not yet learned that I had to go through what I went through to get to where I had the potential to be. I have come to terms with this and I now know my purpose in this life is to succeed and to get this out. I wish I could say I got up and everything was good from that moment on but the reality is it was not. It was a slow process for me. At first it was one step forward and two back, like climbing a cliff of sand, but I never gave up and as I was crawling/climbing out of the pit the inner-man was gaining stregnth. I found the baggage of resentment, bitterness, anger, hatred, disgust for humanity and the never ending,"WHY ME?" too heavy for me to carry anymore. I had to let go and let them fall to the side. I ended up sleeping at the river bottom and a place for street people. Bit by bit though, no matter my suroundings my life improved.
I moved to where I am now. I am by myself and have been for five years now. I no longer live with that empty pain dominating my life. As a matter of fact my life has never been as good as it is now ,yes, I am on medication and I do see someone once a week , sometimes every two, sometimes every three weeks depending upon my need and my life is very different.
I would never want to relive any of those years But I am learning to like the person I am. When one looks at the whole picture. Like the pieces of a puzzle once put together I make sense - when it comes down to it, life is all we have at this moment. As long as their is life their is hope. This has been one hell of a journey but I try to remember we do have a choice.
To forgive does not mean to forget or not try to change things. This is the greatest country in the world but in our zeal to partner with Mr. Feelgood or reaching the under privileged nations America has neglected its own. Hunger, poverty, kids needing decent safe schools right here right now. Children needing someone to love them and nurture them right here in America. I am not saying we should ignore other children but I am saying we should include ours.
I am sorry I got off track but folks the need is real. Believe it or not your action or inaction affects them all.
The cost of my life on my life.
My diagnosis is as follows
1. PTSD
2.Bipolar Disorder
3.Chronic hepatitis C (IV drug use)
4.HIV / AIDS (IV drug use)
5.Adult Degenerative Disc Disease of Spine and neck
6.Chronic venous insufficiency with stasis dermatitis
7. Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease ( COPD )
8.Gastroesophageal reflux
Please contact your elected officials.
Thank-you for your time and consideration. I will close with this...
Every city has there own paper.
In Spokane,Washington it is the Spokesman-Review
on February 1st 1997, page B-7,
under "Government and Politics" it printed,
"Quit bickering and combat abuse"
I'm sick and tired of the finger pointing, name calling, double talk and fighting that goes on between the parties. Whatever happened to rolling our sleeves up and getting the job done together? Each of us is an American and it does not matter whether you're a Democrat, Republican, or independent. The nation should come first, not personal agendas.
Americans are dying every minute at the hands of predators. Our laws allow these creatures to exist and repeatedly seek out new victims. When I was a youth, my family and I were victims of abuse. I wish I could impart to everyone what kind of destructive force this abuse leaves-emptiness, pain and rage. Yet after all these years, I (it says vaguely but it should of said regularly) hear of children being abused and it makes me angry.
Why? Isn't this America? We protect the world, what about our own people? I know what the future will be for those who live through abuse. It's a daily struggle to exist, yet our elected officials refuse to respond to these issues, which proves that they neither have the courage nor the personal fortitude it takes to meet these issues head-on.
I know that each of us is occupied with life and striving for success, but it is apparent that nothing will get done until our voices are heard. Then, when all children are protected and given the chance for a life, will this country's course be changed. Our laws should protect us. Write letters and make phone calls. I assure you this, the process will be both tedious and frustrating, but your child could be next. Aren't they worth standing up for? I believe they are.
Donald Walker
Once again thank you for your time and please send this to those you know.