Breathe In

AUTHOR: Laura romantical@post.com

RATING: PG-14

SETTING: Xander is watching...again

DISCLAIMER: All characters are copyright Joss Whedon. May he forgive me for the sins I commit in their names

DISTRIBUTION: Ask and ye shall receive

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is for Terry.

I know I shouldn't be here.

It's not that I'm not allowed or it's against the rules so much as that I'm intruding. I'm the odd man out, now even more than ever, and I'm making it worse by being here, doing what I shouldn't be doing.

I'm watching her.

Which is stupid. I remember very well the results of the last time. I also know that I should be moving on. I've tried. I went on my trip for a lot of reasons, but the main one - the one I can't tell anyone - was to try and get her out of my system.

It hasn't worked. Neither has my other endeavor at romance. Anya and I have been dating for a while now - me trying to show her all about men and romance and her realizing why she was so incredibly busy.

I finally explained to her tonight that she might be better off trying with someone who wasn't already in love with someone else.

Watching her, the woman I love, I wonder if I shouldn't take my own advice.

She's leaning against the wall now, watching him as he walks back to the stage. She looks happy, but she seems a little sad. I could be wrong though. It's been a long time since I could read her mind.

I think that, had I known that growing up would mean losing her this way, I would have opted to stay children, just the two of us.

She's only standing 50 feet away and I miss her.

I should go. I should leave her alone with her night of romance. I should walk away, go home and try one more time to get her out of my head, my heart.

But the sight of her is like sunset. Her dress shimmers with russet and gold, her hair is shining and her forest green eyes are sparkling with laughter and love.

Did she really used to look at me that way? What kind of idiot was I? The worst kind, I suppose, to throw her love back in her face for so long and then to ruin our friendship when I finally realized that I loved her back.

I miss her friendship. I miss how easy everything used to be. I also miss the molten heat that filled me every time we kissed and the sweet ache I would feel whenever she would touch me.

But I could live without that forever if we could just be friends again. Although, I have to admit, I would give up anything to have both. That's an easy thing to offer now, though, when I know it's not going to happen.

She's talking to Buffy now, their friendship still strong despite everything we've all gone through. They're almost like ordinary college freshman, both with boyfriends and homework, formal dresses and late night phone calls. Anyone who didn't know them would just assume that's all they are. Everyone who does know them knows they're so much more.

Except to me.

To me, they're the most important women in the world. But Willow…to me, she's everything. She's my heart. I just wish I had the guts to be selfish enough to tell her. And I wish I could be sure she'd smile that smile that melts my heart and tell me the same.

A slow song starts and Buffy moves out to the floor with Riley to dance. Willow weaves her way over to the punch bowl. Her eyes, for the first time all evening, are somewhere else. Staring past what she can see around her while at the same time looking inside.

She's beautiful.

With a sigh, I move away from the open doors. I need to leave before the set ends and she moves back into his arms. Closing my eyes for a moment, I capture the image of her in my memory, like a picture I can take out and stare at for the rest of my life. Sighing again, I smile and shake my head. Who knew I was so melodramatic?

Laughing softly, I open my eyes again. And she's there.

"You're leaving?"

"Just stopped by to make sure fun was being had by all."

"You just stopped by?" Something in her voice made me think that maybe she'd known I was watching her, but I ignored it.

"Yeah. Spur of the moment, whim-y type thing."

"And you just happened to be wearing a tux?" There's a hint of laughter in her voice and I can almost pretend that things are the same between us again.

"Second job," I shrug and admit. "I'm chauffeuring."

"Oh." There used to be a time when she knew everything about me. I stop pretending. Nothing is the same. The person I've known my entire life suddenly knows next to nothing about me. "So, you're on the clock?"

"Not really. Not until the dance is over."

"Oh."

Silence falls between us and it's no longer the comfortable kind. It's the kind where you don't know what to say and, even if you did, it would most likely be the wrong thing.

"But I should be getting back to the limo. I just thought I'd take a quick look around." I turn and start back to the parking lot. Her hand is tight on my arm as she stops me.

"You have time for a dance, don't you?"

My whole body seems to come alive at her touch. Every nerve ending tingles and desire chases my blood through my veins. "Dancing's not so good for us, Will."

She nods, but her hand never leaves my arm. Her eyes are hidden in the darkness, but I can feel the heat of them. "Dance with me?"

I turn to face her fully, my hand reaching up to stroke her cheek. I can feel her blush against my skin as I move closer. Bending my head, I stare into her eyes for a long second. "I can't just dance with you anymore."

Her hand smoothes against my cheek, imitating my gesture. "Xander? Will you dance with me?"

Time stops as we hold our breath, moving together. I hold her hips, pulling her toward me as I taste her again, as I breathe her in.

Her head tilts slightly and she opens her mouth under mine, weaving our tongues and lust and desire together.

My heart catches as her fingers wind through my hair. A tear slips away from me, dampening the eyelashes that brush her cheek. The kiss is like heaven and hell all wrapped up in her lips. The tears are falling freely now and all I can do is curse them. Stepping back, prying myself away from her, I take a deep breath and struggle to stop them from falling.

"Xander?" Her voice is soft and confused.

"I'm sorry, Wills." I step even further away, wanting to run and hide. "I can't do this. I…I just can't." I turn and run, heading back to the limousine so that I don't have to see the hurt look on her face. How can she be hurting? She has Oz. She loves him. She's sleeping with him. I have nothing except these taunting memories of her.

Tonight was sweet and forbidden, like the first time, only tonight we both knew what we were doing. I knew I needed her touch and the taste of her again, and she…I don't know why she kissed me. I don't know, I can't ask and my stomach feels like I'm going to lose what little dinner I had if it doesn't stop churning.

I slam the door of the car behind me and bury my face against the steering wheel. The tears come back in full force and I wonder when I last cried. Growing up in my family, I learned not to cry. You don't show emotion and they leave you alone. Show it and they descend on you like a pack of wolves.

Oh God. Wolves.

I'm bombarded with the memory of her voice when we were discovered. "Oh my God, Oz." I'd never heard her sound so horrified at her own behavior. And then, that night in the Bronze when she'd told me not to touch her again. I sob, feeling a fresh flood of tears.

My door opens and she's there again, kneeling beside me. With a soft tug on my coat, she turns me and pulls me into her arms, comforting me like she used to do when we were children. It would be so easy to lose myself in her touch, but I don't know if I can take it again.

"No. No, Wills, please?" I pull back, trying not to see the pain in her eyes. I shake my head, unable to meet her eyes. "I can't do it again."

"Love me?"

"Yes, love you." I look at her now, her simple statement giving me the freedom to be hurt and angry with her. "You've got Oz waiting for you in the other room and you're out here with me, stealing kisses in the dark. Well, I can't pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist anymore. I can't let what happened before happen again, because it would kill me if you gave up on me again."

She stands, taking great pains not to touch me. "I didn't realize you felt that way."

"Well, I didn't realize you'd be willing to give up on how much you love Oz just to kiss me again."

"I'm not giving up on Oz."

I laugh bitterly. "Thanks Will, that makes me feel so much better."

"Well, how do you think I feel when you watch me all the time? I can feel your eyes on me all the time, Xander. I can see you looking at me, that wounded look on your face. How do you think I feel? How much guilt do you want me to suffer?"

I climb out of the car and shut the driver's door. Moving away from her, I open the back and stand there. "I don't particularly want to air this in public and I sure don't want to invite the local night time populace around for a snack. Get in?"

She nods curtly and climbs inside. I follow her, sitting on the opposite side of the car. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me, a pout firmly in place. I shake my head and close my eyes. My voice is tired when I speak.

"What do you want from me, Willow?"

When I peek out from under my lashes, I can see the tears spilling down her cheeks. I only wish I could know without her speaking what they meant. "Are we…what are we now, Xander?"

"I don't know."

"We used to be everything to one another. I don't understand how it changed so fast and so much." She reaches up and wipes her tears away. "I…I need you in my life."

"Well, you need to tell me how." I look out the darkened windows, making sure no one is looking for her. "If we're going to try and be friends, then we need to be friends. If we're going to be co-workers, then we should stop doing the socializing thing. If we're going to…"

"Going to what?" Her eyes are burning bright in the night as she searches my face for answers.

"It doesn't matter. Those are our two choices."

"No." She shakes her head and moves next to me. "There are more, aren't there? There's something more between us still, isn't there?"

"Not as long as you're with Oz." I move back a little, keeping some distance between us. It's killing me, being this close to her. Especially after the taste of her. "I can't do that again. I couldn't…I had to leave the last time you went back to him, Willow."

Her eyes widen and I realize, belatedly, what I've just admitted. "If I weren't with Oz…?"

I don't blame her for wanting to make sure, even though I think the answer is obvious. The past is still there between us, and it's not going to go away until I can make it up to her. "Willow, if you weren't with Oz, you'd have to work really hard to get out of my arms long enough to do anything else."

Her lower lips trembles and I can't stop my thumb from stroking it. She parts her lips slightly, her tongue darting out to meet my finger. "When I kiss you, I get lost…I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find my way back from you."

"Why try?"

My heart is beating like a wild thing, hope swelling in my chest, even though I'm sure this is all going to fall through. Willow is in love with Oz. She's happy with him. She smiles whenever she's with him. She never gets that wounded look when she talks with him. He's never once made her feel like she wasn't the most important person in her life. Why would she give all that up for me? Why would she take a chance on the man who has done nothing but hurt her all of her life?

"Xander?"

I shake my head, realizing she's called my name more than once. Focusing on her face, I manage a weak smile. "Yeah, Wills?"

"Oz…Oz and I split up a week ago. We're still good friends and, since we had already planned on coming here tonight, we kept the date, but we're…we're not a couple anymore."

"Why?"

She sniffed and smiled, leaning into my hand as it stroked her hair. I wonder how that happened, sure I hadn't moved. "We were growing apart. My…my heart was somewhere else. I just took me a while to realize it. Oz…well, he'd realized it long before I had."

"If this is a joke…" my voice cracked on the last word and I felt the tears forming again.

"Xander, I would never joke about my heart." She slid closer until we were pressed against one another. "And I would never toy with yours." She tilted her head back, her eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, she smiled. "Will you dance with me?"

I inhaled, breathing her in again, before my lips met hers. We melted together onto the long seat of the car, lying together as we both reveled in the truth. I pulled away for a brief second, needing to see her eyes. Everything I wanted was right there in them. "I love you Willow."

She nodded, knowing me again. "It's about damn time."

END