- MOSES LAKE! I thought i would blessed the first rant page entry with the one thing i truly hate the most. My hometown. Don't get me wrong, i love the smallness of it, but the people here just suck. People always wonder why i dont hang around with many girls. Most women in moses lake are whores. I am also not trying to say that i am queen shit...but ther are some skanky ass bitches around here. This is a drug town. Mostly weed, almost everyone smokes weed in moses lake, with a population og about 15,500 people..thats a lot of potheads. I hate the Moses Lake High School, the general student body there is a bunch of fucking holier than thou mormons are twitty little blonde chicks, but i cant say that about all the people. The people that are actually friendly that i have met are pretty much anyone as long as were mature. I was surprised that there was actually a nice cheerleader when i was a freshmen, her name was Rikki i think. I dont think she was ever mean to anyone, but i only seen her at school, but she was nice. The School district here is a complete bunch og bullshit. They try to MAKE us do the flag salute..i dont. They make up bullshit rules and play favoritism. My school is getting worse as the years go by. Columbia Basin Secondary School formerly known as Columbia Basin Alternative High(which it should be ALWAYS known as) Our current principal barely speaks to us unless we are in trouble...she's a bitch. stupid cunt. The teachers for the most part dont like her. Our teachers are some of the coolest in the district. they actually listen to us. I keep telling myself only one more year...i dont know how much more this school bullshit i can take. *sighs* thats all i can think of to rant on for now. come back another time for more.
- BEING A TEENAGER - Everyone goes through it. This is my personal opinion on it. To sum it up: Love, Lust, Anger, Mood Swings, pretty much any emotion you can think of. I hate being a teenager. I hate not being able to leave my house when i want to, i hate being ordered around by people who have no authority over me. I hate the fact that i am submissive and i put up with a lot of people's shit. that is all in the eye of whomever. I put up with peoples shit because most of the time its not worth getting mad over. I really hate the fact that i am surrounded by people who love me and yet i am totally alone. I cannot tell my inner thoughts to anyone, no one would understand them completely. I shut myself up from the world. I'm afraid that if i say anything deep about myself someone might not want to listen to me anymore. I am so unsure of myself, more unsure than i have ever been. The only way to deal with it is to not plan ahead, for the moment. Planning ahead sets me up for failure to that plan. something always unexpected happens. I may be able to fortell things, but all still remains unclear to me. I haven't been able to remember my dreams since god knows when...i just wake up in either a cold sweat or feeling like my heart was ripped out. I dont know what it means..maybe someday i will find out.
- ??? - I am not entirely sure what this rant is about...few things actually. I am finding it very hard to explain myself to others. I feel confused about the way i feel and if i feel something there is always something right behind it conflicting against what i am feeling. Is what i feel the right thing or the wrong thing? I try so hard to just pick one side or the other, but i can't. I hate to sound selfish, but it seems to me that people depend on me too much. Like, if i am not around everything sucks. Why is that?! Do i have that much of an effect on people to where my presence matters so much to them? Dont get me wrong, being cared about isnt a bad thing, but i dont know...i guess up until the last few months i didnt really think i mattered that much to anyone. Deep inside i sometimes dont believe that people do care about me as much as they say they do. People would call me crazy if they knew i could feel their emotions and almost know exactly what they are thinking. sharing a close bond with someone, in my case, allows me to be able to feel what they feel....i dont know if that is something that can happen to anyone or not...but it happens to me. Especially with one certain person, i can sense his feelings and i know whats going on and he doesnt even have to tell me....but he usually doesnt know that i know it. But is what i feel based upon an outside influence? or am i actually making this decision on my own? To me, it feels right but there is also that feeling right behind it saying..
- This isnt even a rant....its just going to cause millions of men everywhere to fuckin panic. --------> http://content.health.msn.com/content/article/85/98826.htm
- EVERYTHING - Im in one of those moods again today, where everything and everyone can fuckin suck my ass and so many things make me so pissed, but i always have that urge to just bite the bullet and let it pass. I witnessed so much hate today.....it was almost unbearable. Between the fact that our government is torturing people somewhere else and the fact that people STILL to this day...call people racist remarks....it fuckin bugs the shit out of me, and makes me think of how wonderful a person i am tho i am not yet fully evolved to the ways of my own thinking. If you are reading this and it makes no sense to you, im sorry. Why am i not able to share so much of my feelings with all the ones who supposedly care for me? thats it right there, that supposedly....the thought that at any moment, they could betray in a most hurtful way that i couldnt forgive them. So i make myself be so compliant, so serving...it drives me fucking insane! Doing things for people is one thing, but dedicating your whole purpose of being into helping everyone else, its starting to get to me. What do i really want?! I am clouded by feelings og not being my true self...i dont feel like me anymore...and everything around me is seperate but also equal to my pain...so many little factors have made this apparent...but i cant share these things, these are for my mind only, its the only way i can keep myself safe from other people. They are just too stupid to understand things, and most are too stupid to realize that they are stupid and are denial. I shouldnt say stupid though, more..."undeveloped" but they make up for it in other ways...ways in which i couldnt be able to cope. But i am still stuck in a place where i dont know what the hell to do. I can...go to las vegas..live with my parents for a while go to college and start my life or i can go with Jonathan and Bambi and that could lead me to another life away from my parents...away from their authority and rules and downsizing me. i feel like there are no other choices, and if i cant have either of those there is nothing left for me. I want to go with Jonathan, i want to see where this is going and where it will go but a part of my mind is untrusting of it. What if all along, he has lied about what he feels for me? All a long he just wanted what i had always feared, and then where am i? i'm left broken and left trying to pick up the pieces of something i thought was so wonderful. Also, what if i grow so attached to him that i cant let go this time? will it finally drive me into utter insanity? Oh god, the worrying is coming back...i wish it would stop i wish i could change me...i wish everything would go away and i could start over somewhere else. I want to run away but there is no escape for me now...someone just make it all go away....please...
