Chili Cookoff
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They
actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will
likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me,
you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had
moved to Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
to look HOT ! just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about
Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 TOM'S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?
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