This is for all of you who take out your frustrations on your loved ones when you have a really bad day. Don't take that bad day out on someone you know; take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "May I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a JACKASS!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'Jackass', and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks or so, when I was paying my bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a JACKASS!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the Jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a JACKASS!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to tell you that if there is ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Keep reading, it gets better.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and shot into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camero and completely ignored me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. Then I noticed that he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm sitting at home at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling my first Jackass and yelling, "You're a JACKASS!" (It's really easy to call him now that I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camero lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said "Is this the man with the black Camero for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When is a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes" "Don, you're a JACKASS!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dial. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two Jackasses to call.
Then after several months of calling the Jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I dialed Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a JACKASS!" but I didn't hang up. The Jackass said, "Are you still there you little piece a . . ." "Yeah, I'm still here, what are you gonna do about it?" He said, "What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camero is parked out front." He said, "Boy - you'd better start saying your prayers because you're gonna die really soon." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, JACKASS!!!!" And I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, JACKASS!" He said, "So help me if I ever find out who you are . . . " "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass!" "Well here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, JACKASS!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone the third time - only this time I called the police. I told them my best friend was about to kill his gay lover over on 1802 West 34th Street. I made one final call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on at West 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses beating the shit out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter while being filmed on live television was one of the greatest experiences of my life!!
