How to Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready to Have Kids:
*Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
*Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing
tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the
house. Put on blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would
wake a child at night.
*Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.
*Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
*Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.
*Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm,
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am.
Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
*Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube
and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only
scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton,
a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make
an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
*Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate
ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave
it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size
package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!
*Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be
wearing them for a while.
*Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck
to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
*Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many
ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should
never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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