~This owner’s manual is to help you keep the romance alive in your relationship and to keep you from getting into trouble.
~Common questions you should know the answer to:
1. Do you know what day it is?
Suggested answers:
Do not say:
2. Do I look fat?
(HINT: There is no real answer, even if you say “no” right away. Just buy flowers. Do not buy candy. You’ll be slapped).
3. Do I look pretty?
Answer: No, You look beautiful!
(You’ll get lots of points for this).
4. Do you think she’s pretty?
Answer: No, She’s nothing compared to you.
(HINT: Do not say, “The day you stop looking is the day you die.” This will get you slapped).
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re in control.
2. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand.”
3. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
4. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel the need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
5. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
6. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had and “on/off” switch.
7. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest.
8. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
9. “Oh, nothing.” Has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
10. If it is not Valentine’s Day, and you see a man in a flower-shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”
1. Lend us your sweater if we are cold and open doors for us when out on dates.
2. Don’t criticize our friends.
3. Don’t flirt with them either.
4. Confide in us, talk to us. Females have this urge to not only have a relationship on a physical level, but an emotional level too.
5. Just have a little time to hug us and tell us how much you care about us. You’ll be rewarded in the future.
6. Always remember the little details.
7. Be respectful of parents.
8. Wear our favorite cologne. When we say, “You smell good.” It’s a big point maker.
9. Be spontaneous.
10. Be willing to suggest/watch a chick-flick without whining. Bonus points for suggesting the movie yourself.
1. I have a rabid wolverine in my underpants.
2. Ten bucks says you spill that spaghetti down your front before the night is over!
3. Guess how many pennies I can flush down the toilet.
4. Ooooh! The waiter’s hot!
5. Sometimes I feel like the only male lesbian in the world.
6. Oops…I forgot my wallet. Can you get the check?
7. Hey, look what I can do with my spoon!
8. Would you like to meet the Captain, he’s standing at attention?
9. My imaginary friend is more interesting than you.
10. Hey, I can almost see through your shirt!
1. (Lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.
2. I’m new in town…could you give me directions to your apartment?
3. Hey Baby, you have calves that would make any cow jealous.
4. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I’m here after.
5. I’m going to guess your sign – is it “slippery when wet?”
6. Screw me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we met before?
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go screw.
8. The word of the day is “legs”. How about we go back to my place and spread the word.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I’d sure like to tap that ass!
10. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
~This is a list to aid you in keeping your woman. If you pay attention to this list, not only will your woman think you’re golden, but chances are you’ll stay out of trouble.
1. Strawberries dipped in chocolate.
2. Bubble baths.
3. Breakfast in bed.
4. Candlelit dinner.
5. Foreplay.
6. Romance.
7. Shutting the hell up.
8. Diamonds.
9. Flowers.
10. Candy.
11. Massages.
12. Slow dance to a favorite song.
Final Tips to stay out of trouble:
1. Always compliment her when she’s wearing something nice.
2. Using humor is always an option, especially if you’re funny.
3. Saying “I Love You” is always special to a girl, but only say it if you mean it.
4. Anniversaries to know – 3 months, 6 months, and every year.
Special thanks to Michelle Blackwell for co-writing this Owner's Manual.
