The Perks of Being Over 40
Chapter 1: THE BASICS
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even
realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter
who walks into
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national
weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because
they can't
remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood
stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than
just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids'
names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's
Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your
Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your
new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I
don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up
to pee.
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