Police Jokes
Police quotes:
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
"Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
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Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all
day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
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Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the
curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got
to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I
was a cripple."
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Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet
tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he
could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us
how strong
you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
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I'm going to a lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
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