"Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded."~Bring It On
"Right now you're leading two things, Jack and Shit, and Jack left town."~Army of Darkness
Bridget:"Wait a moment, nice boys don't kiss like that." Mark:"Oh, yes they fucking do."~Bridget Jones's Diary
Cartman:"Butters will do handjobs in the corner for a dollar." Butters:"Yeah, I'm good at all kinds of jobs!"~South Park
"The greatest gift you'll learn is just to love and be loved in return."~Moulin Rouge
"Maybe that's why we hold on as hard as we do. We never believe that such a miracle could ever happen to us twice."~Someone Like You
"If coincidences are just coincidences, then why do they feel so contrived?"~The X-Files
"Nobody likes a math geek, Scully."~The X-Files
MAX: "Let's not go overboard here. I'm not signing up to join the Logan Cale brigade for the defense of widows, small children, and lost animals." LOGAN: "You could be field commander." MAX: "I think not."~Dark Angel
"Quiet brain! Or I'll stab you with a q-tip!"~The Simpsons
LOGAN:"Can you make out with me while we wait?" MAX:"What?" LOGAN:"Can you make out anything past the gate?" MAX:"Uh...no, not at all."~Dark Angel
"I hope I didn't brain my damage."~The Simpsons
"I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T"~The Simpsons
"I thought Christmas only comes once a year."~James Bond, The World Is Not Enough (P.S. Christmas is the name of a chick. You figure out the rest;)
"Homer no function beer well without."~The Simpsons
(Sung to the tune of the "Oompa Poompa" song)"Oompa Loopma doopedy do. He knows the plants like nobody do. If you need help he's there to help you. Like the oompa loompa doopedy do!"~Jessica Silva, during Bio 104 lab. We were very bored.
"I can tell the sex of a turkey by their poop!"~Cassie Wannamaker, I don't know why I thought it was so funny. I just couldn't stop laughing!
"Fuck me! I don't have a thing!"~Me, doing Chem 106 lab crap. It didn't even register what I had said until Michelle and Cassie stopped laughing long enough to tell me.
"I prefer the hands-on approach."~Michelle Blackwell, is any explanation really needed?
Chase:"I'm gonna open up a can of whoop-ass!" Me:"I think you're can's expired."
Cassie:"What's your middle name?" Me:"Yeah, cuz you'll be screaming it later!"
Cassie:"How do you put up with him [Chase]?" Me:"I hit him a lot." Cassie:"He probably enjoys it."
"My grandpa told my Dad that next time the chickens attacked him, he had to show them who's boss. So, the next day when they attacked him, he shot them!"~Julie Olson, on why her dad hates chickens.
"Mom, my computer says I don't have a hymen...I mean himem system!!~Me, when I called my mom with a computer crisis. Note to self: make sure you have the correct name of the problem.
Me:"You'll probably remember at two o'clock in the morning and call me." Cassie:"So, I was sitting on the toilet..." Me:*Explosive laughter*~Me and Cassie when we were trying to remember some guy's name.
(While BBQ-ing hamburgers)Jessica:"Hey, Chase, what are you doing?" Chase:"I'm cooking my meat." Jessica:"Why is your meat flat?" (Explosive laughter all around)
Cassie's Ranger Friend: So, can I take the "C" out of your nickname Cass? Cassie: Not if you want me to kick you in it.
"Process this you bastard!"~Cassie, on when you're short on cash and want to pay with a check.
"He's got 10 girlfriends...one for each finger."~Jessica, about some guy we saw on t.v.
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."~Charlie Chaplin
"If a man isn't thinking about sex 24 hours a day, his mind is wandering."~Unknown
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~Steven Seagal
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." ~Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." ~Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" ~Marilyn Pittman
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice and they should have to find you a temp." ~Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her to a lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." ~Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." ~Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my goodness... I could be eating a slow learner." ~Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." ~Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" ~Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." ~Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." ~Paul Rodriguez
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself." ~Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." ~A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," ~Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." ~Roseanne
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" ~Dave Barry
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." ~George Carlin
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'" ~Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." ~Drew Carey
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars." - Conan O'Brien
"In Italy, Bob Dylan sang for Pope John Paul II and had a private audience with him. The Pope said later, 'I speak eight different languages, and I still have no idea what he was saying'" - Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, men cry an average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be..." - Jay Leno
"Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots." - Craig Kilborn
”The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."--Anonymous
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."--Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."--Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."--Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made."--M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." --Sigmund Freud
"I wonder what goes through his [the dog's] mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."--Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."--Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."--Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."--Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."--Franklin P. Jones
”Ever consider what they [dogs] must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on the face of the earth!!”--Unknown
"It's been reported that Keanu Reeves will play Superman in a new movie. In the Keanu Reeves version, villains don't use Kryptonite to stop Superman they just use big words." - Conan O'Brien
"What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."~Goo Goo Dolls, Slide
"I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground. I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low. And oh, darkness, I feel like letting go."~Sarah McLaughlin, Full of Grace
"I can't see no reason, what is blind cannot see. And I want what is pleasing, all I take should be free. What I rob from the innocent ones, what I'd steal from the womb."~Sarah McLaughlin, Black
"I know you have a little life in ya yet, I know you have alot of strength left...I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I couldn't stop thinking of all those things we should have done, though I never did; all those things we should said, though we never said; all those things we should have given but we didn't..."~Kate Bush, This Woman's Work
"Can't remember when I last saw you laughing. When this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can then, just call me up because you know I'll be there."~Cyndi Lauper, True Colors
"So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go."~Peter, Paul, and Mary, Leaving On A Jet Plane
"Now they stood beside the treasure, on the mountain dark and red. Turned the stone and looked beneath it, Peace On Earth was all it said."~Coven, One Tin Soldier
"Another ditch in the road, keep moving. Another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years go by so fast. Wonder how I ever made it through."~Savage Garden, Two Beds and A Coffee Machine
