A Few Short Jokes
If you think life is bad..... How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all.. the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
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"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
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Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do.
Why is this?
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces...
That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that Ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a
pen that write in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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Never under estimate the power of a woman:
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a
helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. Don't ask why...
The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person
should let go because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone
would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really
touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands
and children, giving in to men, and that after all men were the
superior sex and must be saved.
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
12. "Watch where that lands...we might need it later."
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