We found out we were pregnant on June 19th 2001 - boy was it a shock! Needless to say we were happy and excited and soon started making plans for our little one's arrival.
I went to my doctor and was told I was due around the beginning of February which meant at that point I was only 4 weeks along and had a long way to go! At the end of June I started spotting and of course I immediately panicked. I called my doctor's office and they arranged for me to go in for an emergency ultrasound. The ultrasound showed the baby was fine...we even saw the little heartbeat so we were relieved! To be on the safe side though, my doctor put me on bedrest for a week. After a few days the spotting stopped and then there was morning sickness. But it wasn't just morning sickness, it was ALL DAY sickness! Everything made me sick and I was miserable for weeks! But when I started to feel the baby kicking...it made all the sickness well worth it.
In mid July I had another ultrasound and at that point they determined that I was 7 weeks along and they extended my due date to February 20th.
At the beginning of September I went to the doctor for my monthly exam. That day she brought in the "doppler" and said we would hear the baby's heartbeat. She chased the baby from one side of my stomach to the other...everytime she'd pick up good sound, the baby would move to the other side...finally she cornered him onto one side and she was pressing SO HARD to keep him in one spot. As she was doing all this, I thought to myself, "Isn't she going to hurt the baby??"...but I didn't say anything to her because I had assumed she knew what she was doing. She held him there for about 30-45 seconds and listened to his heartbeat. She told me the baby sounded fine and she scheduled an ultrasound for me at the end of the month. At that point I would be far enough along to find out whether it was a boy or a girl! The pressure she had put on my stomach was painful though, I had a stomach-ache the rest of the day and eventually developed bruises.
After that day I never felt my baby kick again. I thought for sure something was wrong but no one would listen to me. I was told that because the baby was so small, I wouldn't feel kicks everyday and to just be patient. But I continued to have this nagging feeling that something was wrong and I had decided over the weekend (in mid September) that I would call the doctor first thing Monday morning and consult with her.
That Sunday night we went out to dinner and shopping...as we were walking into Target, I felt a "pop" inside my stomach. I figured it was a kick - and after not feeling anything for almost 2 weeks, I was so happy and relieved that the baby was OK. So thinking the baby was OK, I didn't bother calling the doctor like I planned the following morning.
The following Friday was our ultrasound appointment. John and I were thrilled about finding out whether it was a boy or girl. My appointment was at 10am so John and I met there at that time. We were called into the room and I was surprised to see that we had the same ultrasound technician from when we came in for the emergency ultrasound. She asked if everything had been OK since then and I told her that everything was fine. She started the ultrasound and immediately I knew something was wrong but I tried not to let myself panic. After about 30 seconds or so, the technician turned off the machine and told me to go home and call my doctor later in the afternoon. John and I were puzzled...she wiped the gel off my stomach and helped me up...she suggested I go to the bathroom because my bladder was full. I told her I would wait until I got home but she insisted I went then. So I left the room and walked across the hall to the bathroom. While in there a million things were going through my mind...when I walked back into the room, mine and John's eyes met, and I knew something was terribly wrong. The ultrasound technician closed the door behind me and asked me to sit down...I refused. She said she was going to be honest with me...she said my baby didn't have a heartbeat. At that very moment, my whole world fell apart. I looked from her, to my husband, then down to my stomach and burst into tears. She then explained to me different procedures my doctor might use to remove the fetus. She expressed her deepest sympathies and excused herself from the room. John and I sat there for what seemed like forever and held eachother and cried. I was a total wreck and in no condition to drive but I had no choice because my husband and I had met there in different cars. Driving home, I could barely see the road through my tears...so many emotions came over me...especially anger. I was so angry with God for doing this to me, I screamed out loud and asked Him "Why?? Why!!"...what had I done to deserve this? If anyone knew, it was God who knew how I longed to have a baby and after years of trying, He finally gave me that gift only to turn around and take it away...why? Then I started placing blame on myself...was there something I had done wrong? Was it the 1 or 2 days that I had forgotten to take my prenatal vitamin? Was that why I was being punished? I had and still have so many questions...but to this day haven't gotten any answers.
Later that afternoon my son Daniel, who at the time was 10, came home from school...I had been so wrapped up in all that was going on, I hadn't even thought about how I was going to tell him about the baby. When he walked in the door and saw me crying, he asked what was wrong...I didn't know what to say to him. At that moment, John came into the room and said it was time to leave to go to my doctor's office and again Daniel asked what was going on. I explained everything to him and he started to cry...and that really touched my heart because for the most part, he was not happy about me having a baby. We went to my doctor's office and when she walked into the room, the first thing I asked her was if there was any chance that they could be wrong. She pulled out the report she received from the ultrasound center, it said "Fetal Demise at 16 weeks" - I was confused because I was 18 weeks along...apparantly the baby only measured at 16 weeks which meant it had died 2 weeks prior...I then realized that the nagging feeling I had in the weeks prior to now wasn't just "in my head" as everyone had been telling me. My doctor left the room and came back with a portable ultrasound machine so she could see for herself, and solve any doubts I had. I had been hoping that they were wrong and that I would see the heartbeat...but there was nothing. The baby was just lying there lifeless at the bottom of the sac.
After she confirmed that the baby was definitely gone, she discussed with me my different options. I could either wait for the fetus to deliver on it's own (which could take weeks), I could go in for a D&C, or I could be induced. I chose to be admitted into the hospital to be induced. I made this decision because I wanted the chance to hold my baby, take pictures, say goodbye...etc. We arranged for me to go to the hospital the following morning. She told me to call Labor & Delivery at 6am to find out what time they wanted me there. So the following morning I called only to be told to call back at 8...I called back at 8 and at that time they told me that they were too busy and didn't have room for me...then my doctor (who was on-call) got on the phone and told me she was on call again the following Thursday and she would make me her #1 priority then. I was furious! My baby was dead inside me and they wanted me to wait another 6 days! I had no choice though...so I waited. I refused to leave my house, I didn't even get out of bed...I had fallen into this deep depression and there was no foreseen way out.
On Thursday October 4th I went to the hospital. I went to the nurses station in the L&D department as I was directed to do...they knew I was coming so what happened next shouldn't have happened. I walked up the the counter and there were about 4-5 smiling, snobby nurses standing around doing nothing. I gave them my name and they asked if I was in labor...I said "No"...then they asked if I was there to have my baby monitored...again I said "No"...then they said "Well, what are you here for then?" and I just froze. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. All I managed to get out was "My baby is dead..." That wiped the smiles off of their faces. They lead me all the way down the hall to the very last room. Attached to the door of the room was a notecard with a rose on it. (Later I learned that it was a "sign" for doctors and nurses so they would know that I was there under different circumstances) I was admitted at 10am, induced at noon, and started having contractions at 2pm. From the beginning the contractions were VERY strong and very close together but I refused drugs. Don't know what it was I was trying to prove, afterall it's not like I was going through it all and taking home a bundle of joy...I guess it was my way of saying that I would do anything for my baby, and just because he/she died, didn't mean I was gonna take the easy way out. So I suffered through the pain all day. I remember laying there and being able to hear the sounds of fetal heartbeat monitors and crying newborn babies coming from other rooms down the hall...I hated being there, it was pure torture.
At about 7:30pm I couldn't take the pain anymore. I "gave in" and requested drugs. They shot me up with Demerol and it knocked me out. I was asleep for about 30 minutes then awakened by an extremely painful contraction...it was so bad I was almost screaming. This was all new to me because when I had my son, Daniel, I had a c-section and so this was the first time actually going through labor and feeling pressure down there etc...a few minutes later out came Nicholas. He was so small...smaller than I expected. He was perfect though...as I held him, I noticed that the umbilical cord was broke...and it made me think of that day at the doctor's office when she had put so much pressure on him to make him stay still...had she caused his death?? I was able to hold him for about 20 minutes then had to be taken the the OR to get a D&C because the placenta hadn't delivered. In there, they gave me an epidural and more drugs so I was knocked out until about 5am. At that time the nurse asked if I wanted her to bring Nicholas back in and of course I said yes. When she brought him into the room, she warned me that he was going to look different than from when I first saw him...his little body had started to decompose. They kept him refrigerated while I was recovering from the D&C but it obviously didn't stop the body from decomposing. Luckily, we took pictures right after he was born and we try to remember him that way...
I fell asleep with him in my arms and was awoken at 8am by a new nurse. She woke me up to ask me if I wanted the hospital photographer to take pictures of him...I looked down at him and he had gotten worse so I declined. My previous nurse came in to say goodbye because her shift had ended. She brought in a little keepsake box that the hospital gives to parents who lose their child...when I opened the box, there inside was a white card with Nicholas' footprints on it. Even though he was so small, she managed to get footprints for me and I was so thankful for that. (I scanned the footprints next to a penny to show the true size)
John and I decided we wanted to have Nicholas cremated so we can keep his remains with us. We called the closest funeral home and made arrangements to bring Nicholas there as soon as I was discharged. The night before, my doctor told me that should we choose to take him ourselves, I would be given a container to take him in so when my new nurse came in to check on me, I requested the container...she came back a few minutes later with a bucket!! She said it was all she could find. I was outraged! As we left the hospital, we saw a couple getting into their car with their brand new baby...and there I was carrying mine out in a bucket and feeling absolutely horrible about it.
We went to the funeral home and met with the funeral director. He discussed the cremation procedure, we paid the fee and then came the time that I was totally not prepared for...time to say goodbye. John and the funeral director left me alone in the room...I took Nicholas out of the bucket and held him and kissed him and told him how much I loved him. John came back into the room to hold Nicholas then he placed him back into the bucket. At that point I became hysterical...soon after the funeral director came in and taped a metal ID tag onto the top of the bucket and John lead me out of the room. That was the last time I saw my baby. The funeral director walked us to the door, I turned around and asked him to please take good care of my baby and he hugged me and said he would be treated like family. Once John and I got outside and into our car, we both broke down and cried...that was the hardest thing either of us has ever had to do. We went straight home after that...John insisted that I needed to rest but I couldn't. I had already missed Nicholas so much...I felt horrible for leaving him with strangers...I wondered what they had done with him, if he was OK...then I remembered the pictures we had taken right after he was born. I rushed to the nearest 1-hour photo to get the pictures developed so I could see my baby once again. Later that afternoon, I picked up Daniel from school...and when I told him that we had a baby boy, he started to cry. He said he had always wanted a baby brother to play with.
October is National Child And Infant Loss Awareness Month...alot of people don't know that and I didn't even know it until then. I decided to make an awareness pin to wear for the remainder of the month in honor of Nicholas so I went to the store to buy the ribbon. It was one of those weird days, the sun was out, yet it was raining at the same time. I came out of the store and in the sky I saw the biggest, brightest rainbow I've ever seen and at that moment, I heard a little child's voice say "It's OK Mommy, I'm OK"...I broke down and cried right there in the parking lot. I truly believe that Nicholas sent that rainbow down for me to let me know that he was OK and he was happy.
Graphic courtesy of Nemeses @ http://www.groups.msn.com/NemsSigs
This was made for Nicholas, please do not copy it
To this day we still don't have any real answers as to why we lost our precious Nicholas, my doctor suggested that maybe it was due to chromosone abnormalties...I wonder if she's ever thought of the possibility that she caused his death...because I honestly believe she did. I had no proof though and never pursued doing anything about it.
We were able to pick up Nicholas' remains the following week...my Mother had a beautiful urn custom made with his name engraved onto it. I have felt more at peace since we have had him here with us but the pain never goes away. There are days when I'm fine and there are days when I'm completely depressed and want nothing to do with anybody. I'm still grieving...I'll always be grieving. People can be so cruel at times like this too...I've actually been told to "get over it" because it was just a "miscarriage"...and if I hear "maybe it was for the best" one more time, I'm going to scream! Nicholas is as real to me as if I had carried him full term...he is my child, and although he is not here with me, the memory of him is and as long as I'm alive, I will keep his memory alive too.....
Mommy's new tattoo in memory of you! ~ October 2005
"Remember that grief is not something that you get
over,it is something that you walk through."
My shoes are worn and my feet hurt from this walk.....
--Anonymous
View Nicholas's Guestbook
Sign Nicholas's Guestbook
Back To Nicholas' Page 1
My Mommy & Daddy's Page
The song that you are listening to has so much meaning to me...I first heard it a few days after losing Nicholas while alone driving in my car. Hearing the first verse brought me to tears...and since then it has always been my special song to Nicholas.
"There You'll Be"
When I think back on these times and the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days, I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be.....
Now Playing: Faith Hill's "There You'll Be"
