all writing © 1997-2003
hate monger
i want to be the killing wish
i want to be the anti christ
factory
territory
this is love
opaque
low
joker face
stupid little girl
Stupid little girl
Stupid little girl
Stupid little girl
Stupid little girl
That stupid little girl?
thorn
album
I am
judgement day
flesh refresher
Cut me open
You may think it's sick
I want to feel, feel, feel
blööd lüst
Patience My Love
Longing & breaking
Ready & waiting
Drained & tired
Punching Numbers
I close my eyes
I count until
No Such Thing
'I'm ugly' you said
You woke up
Self Mutilation
You know it
Dying
Lying
Just Enough
Surrounded by misery,
I can't move from here,
Paralysed
Nasty Little Psycho
Joy
Confusion Calling
I felt each of your tears
There was nothing I could possibly say
And all the time I’ve been gone
constant
there’s no medication
when she cries, blackness weeps
she never stops moving
blonde
Light Years
Blurry eyes look out of the tears
So pack up the glow in the dark stars
obligation
Fake
What I see is what I am
Your fakeness astounds me
Hypocrite
embolism
yell at me
Give me a break
Will it end
clone
clean
you talk and I know it must mean something
i can’t take this anymore
premonition
Help!
Breakdown #1
Breakdown #2
two
alone
Affirmation
I am, I am
I dream, I dream
Split Apart
Longing
Defeat
misery
blood
i want to be the hate monger
hoarding all my hurt
saving all my pain
till i'm dead on the inside
and no one can bring me back
coming for you
inside your head
till you are dead all over
and no one will want you back
the darkest of dark
growing and feeding on hate
till i'm stronger than my fears
and no one can divide me down
welcome to the baby factory
where you all must breed
where you all must work
this production line
this machine of life
this vicious cycle
where one after the other
we are all churned out
manufactured and remanufactured
packaged into the population
another statistic
the more
more and more
we are the mass produced
creations of a brave new world
where family is no longer nuclear
instead an everchanging ideal
obsolete and unknown
fine lines blurring
sustainable growth
seems to be the cruelest irony
procreation or zero population
seems there is no choice
trapped and trained too well
there is no escape
you must reproduce
the more product the better
the more minds to corrupt
the more we can create
another generation
of children with children
could it be a conspiracy
preconditioned in society
motherhood ingrained
neverending and taunting
in our eyes
in our minds
the only need is to breed
welcome to the baby factory
would you let me kill you?
at least see you bleed?
smash some sense into you?
into those ugly eyes?
i feel it is the only way
let me at you
i will show you
i don't believe in violence
but i've never hated before
scratch scratch scratching
at the dried blood
weep weep weeping
the wound still runs
let this be a reminder
of the pain you bear
let this be a reminder
of how much i care
i did this for you
i did this to show you
keep it real
don't ever let it heal
somehow you see right past me
you made me tell you these lies of mind
you look at me with your downcast eyes
and you don't see me at all
you think i'm nothing
you think i'm no one
well maybe you're right
and maybe i've been wrong
but i hate you
i always will
don't ever doubt me
i'll hate you still
i can't take this anymore...
it's too much...
do you think these tears come pain free?
do you think these tears come pain free?
just kill me now
remove the pain
from my skull, thumping
hanging on to every last bit
lips tingling
numb from the shock
feels like i'll never wake up
i could sit here
and just fall further
lower and lower
than i ever have before
i drag myself up the stairs
limbs with no feeling
colour drained from my face
my lips still tingling
hands are shaking
a cold chill in my spine
the sweat beading
but i've gone too far
my muscles start to ache
this headache won't go away
and i'm tired
and i'm infuriated
with myself
with everyone
with everything going on around me
i wish i didn't have to go through this
i just want control
there you were
holding me down
a dream within a dream
a sleep i couldn't wake from
and there you were
laughing all the way
your arms like lead
holding me down
it wasn't a game
you were enjoying it
did you think i was too?
who the fuck were you anyway?
in my head
in my sleep
in my bed
holding me down
i wasn't the only one
Stupid little girl
With no feeling
And no idea
Of how much she hurts
With just one look
With just one touch
With just one passing moment
With no feeling
And no idea
Of how little she thought
Lost the very moment
Given it away
And now it has no meaning
With no feeling
And no idea
Of this sickness
Spreading like blood
Whose blood
Not your blood
With no feeling
And no idea
Of it’s significance
What could have been
You won’t bleed for me
But I’m still bleeding for you
I want you to feel
I want you to know
You’ve ruined everything
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Hiding and lying to yourself
You love the pain in others
That’s me.
I am the thorn in your side.
Bleeding you dry.
Never letting go.
Forever holding onto.
The flesh on which I thrive.
i don't really know anything about you
after all these years, you're just a fake
a symbol
a memory
the past represented by empty photos
I am your pain
your indecision
all rolled into one
I am your confusion
your distrust
i let you feel me everyday
I make you hurt
deep inside
I am your recurring sickness
neverending
I push this pain further
everyday
I will make you darker, fall faster, ache harder, break further
I am hurt!
I am pain!
Hate ME!
this is my judgement day
that you have decided for me
what you think you know
what you make yourself believe
everytime you see my face
all those things you refuse
you deny the truth
you deny who i really am
but that doesn't matter
as long as you're certain
as long as you've made up your mind
it doesn't matter what really happened
who cares for the truth
not when there's people like you
people to hunt me down
people to make me into something i'm not
you are being so cruel
your false allegations
so hollow
i can't believe you
i can't believe how little you truely care
and yet when i try to clarify
you can't hear me
you won't let me explain
because your mind is already made up
the decisions already made
my stereotype decided
everything decided
you see no
you hear no
you speak no
truth
you see me
you hear me
you speak to me
misguided
your attitude is so sickening
i am sickened by your weakness of mind
i know the truth
i know where i stand
i know who i am
you don't
you don't care to
and while i shouldn't care
i wish you would give me the chance
but i feel nothing but betrayal
and sometimes regret
my anger is subsiding
the sadness is fading
i am coming to terms
despite your ignorance
on this my judgement day
I loved to watch you bleed
I loved to see that look in your eye
I loved to watch you need
to feel the pain inside
tear this flesh apart
it's the only thing
that can make me feel as one
You mightn't understand
the pain is blood, the blood is pain
and it's all over our hands
you watching me bleed
I want to feel, feel, feel
your hands on me
I want to feel, feel, feel
the knife in deep
I want to feel, feel, feel
you watch me bleed
my river of violence
seething within
consuming all of me
flowing and ready to break
yet all i feel now is calm
subsided
subdued
Drained & tired
of this life
of this uncertainty
of these moments
of these feelings
to disregard them all
to disrespect them all
tortured by my own expectations
held back by your hesitations
aching with the time
now...but for how long?
how long can i wear this face?
stand the emptiness of this place?
of this life
of this uncertainty
of this limbo
of fucking waiting
I close my eyes
And think of numbers
Repetitive and safe
I close my eyes
And wish for slumber
But the enemy awaits
But neverending
Are the horrors I create
I close my eyes
My sleep depending
On someone else's fate
I can't remember
What my favourite number was
I count until
I've lost control
Because I don't know how to stop.
I heard you
Yes I did
In your sleep
Yes I did
'I'm no one' you said
You couldn't stand it
You wanted to change
I watched you
You said 'it was only a dream'
But reality can be more cruel.
I can feel it
I can smell it
Can't you see it?
Let's cut deeper.
I'll show it
Can't you see it?
Make more stitches.
Living
Can't you feel it?
I should just ignore it.
Giving
No one cares
Nothing really matters.
There's no use in laughing,
It makes me feel hollow.
I made myself this way,
False feelings so shallow.
I have myself to blame.
A broken reflection,
I can't hide my shame.
Wasting away, turning to dust.
I don't feel like myself,
I only feel...just enough.
I turn off the light
And I'm consumed by darkness.
Suffocating me
Like a shadow on the sun.
Alone with my thoughts
But I don't know what I'm thinking.
Afraid to move
In case I die.
Afraid of sealing my fate
With one word.
Afraid of the pain
I've already helped create.
Can't stop thinking about you now
Picturing you
All of you
Something to look forward to
It's crazy obsessed
But I can't stop my imagination getting the better of me.
two naked bodies
the most beautiful
two naked bodies
gender forgotten
there is no escape
my eyes locked on
my body, their bodies
I want what they have
Joy
You called me on the phone last night
I should’ve known something wasn’t right
You said you really didn’t know
How things were going to go
As they slowly filled my ears
You sounded unusually sad
Invisibly reaching, I was hugging you back.
To make all your hurt and confusion go away
I felt like I should be crying for you
I tried to talk, but my mouth wouldn’t move
And all the hours I was from home
I never felt so far away
Till you called.
quite black, quite raw
her mind’s a festered sore
infected by her thoughts
such insanity can’t be taught
for the genius she breeds
the surface yet to be touched
sleeping with one eye open to the sheets
the evil the shadows can’t even keep
the voices are over and over again
telling her lies she can’t comprehend
for fear of being stopped
seems like there’s always
something to be done.
here I sit
my mind decaying in depression
rotting away, thinking of you
so beautiful, so perfect
suffering from my own inadequacies
even though I don’t know who you are
Sometimes I don’t feel like myself
But how am I supposed to feel
It’s like I’m outside and I can’t get in
What I am just doesn’t feel real
Enough mock sympathy, scarred backs
And I just don’t care now
It’s too late to take it all back
Can’t close my eyes in this artificial light
A million blackened galaxies away
Inside myself reality starts the fight
hollow laughter
rings in my ears
it all means nothing
but I have to be here
So you think you’re the one I want to be?
You think you’ve got everything I need?
Your face, your hair, your sallow eyes?
I look in my mirror and I know it never lies.
Not who I want to be
And even when I think of that
It’s not your fucking face I see.
For all your beauty, you really are quite ugly
All that exists is an empty shell
Eaten away by a naive sense of self.
When I feel like nothing
I am a hollow shell
I crave to be like you
But I know I never will.
pass out
watch out
bloody tears
screaming fears
cry for me
I don’t care
No one cares
A fucking break
Want to escape
Let me escape
How will it end
Don’t want to be a fatality
Not another fucking tragedy.
well now you’ve done it…
and you’ll do it again
you’ll never learn until you reach the end
and you’ll keep doing what you need to do
whatever it is that makes you belong
whatever it is that makes you feel whole
follow the leader
but never the rules
never have an opinion
or the right to choose
here we all are now
all standing as one
not for the same reasons
but just for fun
all for one and one for all
for we’ve all made ourselves the same
and into the same hole we fall.
everyone’s human on the outside
but what lies within is far from real
there’s nowhere to go and nowhere to hide
so tell me how I’m supposed to feel
but I don’t recognise meaning anymore
when all that is wrong could be anything
I’ve forgotten what I live my life for
your voice is ripping me raw
all I can do is drown myself
and wash the day away.
oh no!
I felt a storm within my brain
The noise was driving me insane
I closed my eyes
I closed them twice
But still remained the threat of pain
I cried out to the night
The shadows silent, out of sight
I shut my eyes
I shut them tight
But still I slept awake with fright.
Not again!
Somebody help me
I’m having that mental episode again
All this talk of sharp knives
Has got me down
Keeps push, push, pushing
My fucked up head around
I close my eyes
and all I feel
Is nothing at all
I see black
I see red
I feel the pain inside my head
hurting, without the pain
numbness, eating at my brain
two hearts, love as one
two hearts, but so alone
so you’re happy now
i’m smiling for you
but the sweat keeps beading
and I miss your heart beating
I can’t believe that I’m all alone
Without you here beside me to hold
What am I to do?
What am I to do now?
I want, I want
I have regrets
I can’t, I can’t
I need friends
I hate myself
I do, I do
I mean well
I make no sense
I count, I count
I’m far too tense.
I’ve used up all my time
And there is nothing left to say
Like a hair in my throat
I just can’t wash it away
And it’s making me cry
All that’s left unsaid
But I’m too afraid to admit it’s over.
I want things I can’t have
I want them so fucking bad
I have these sordid thoughts
I have them all and more
I hide them behind my loving eyes.
How long can I keep denying the way I feel?
How long can I wait for this wondering to stop?
I hate myself
And no one else
Yet I want to be like everyone else
I hate my life
I want it to change
But things are much easier this way.
today I read
the world was dead
and I felt all alone
i scratched my head
Until it bled
Dry as a bone
sometimes the pain gets too much
you wish you could blink it away
but it’s tattooed on your eyelids
and you just can’t escape.
