"BEHOLD! I have crafted a deer antler to my groin!"
-Dr. Weird from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"I didn't get any shut-eye last night. Except for this one, but that's because something's wrong with me."
-the kid from The Oblongs
"To truly understand mankind, you must first look at the word. Basically, it is made up of the words 'mank' and 'ind', and what those mean we may never know."
-Jack Handey
"I mean, we do have opposable thumbs. Not only can we delve into the mysteries of the universe, but masturbating is made slightly more invigorating."
-JayBees
“OMIGOD I'M USING INCORRECT GRAMMAR!!”
-Beverly Ferguson
“He's a rapper, and his name's Busta Rhymes. That's so perfect! It's like if my name was Hosta Shows!”
-Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show
“That just goes to show that if at first you don't succeed, run naked through a crowded restaurant.”
–the host of Blind Date
“You may call it skipping, but I call it a well-deserved vacation.”
-Joshu
“That was a little trick I call 'math'.”
-Dilbert
“I wouldn't brag about being conceived while I was drunk, Josh.”
-Josh's mom
“If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and beat it with a wooden spoon.”
-Alyssa Franz
“You know what I really don't like? GETTING KICKED IN THE HEAD!”
-Doppler from Clockstoppers
“I think it's so clever that you can tell the computer to do page numbers, and then it knows which number to put on which page. It's like it can actually count. And it doesn't even have fingers and toes.”
-my mom, Anne Wetmore
“They figure the people that need the fastest, latest technology are the people that carry around laptops and talk on their cell phones while rollerblading down a street in Manhatten.”
-my dad, Jeff Spann
“All of the things I really enjoy doing are either illegal, immoral, or fattening."
-(I can't find his name! Ack!)
“I always say the wrong thing, usually because I’m bored.”
-Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert
“I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.”
-Bart Simpson
“I’ll leave Piglett’s head on my cart, as a message to all my students.”
-one of my more interesting teachers, after decapitating two Winnie the Pooh toys from Burger King
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
-Douglas Adams
“I wonder if I can stick this in my ear.”
-Lucas Rabel, while contemplating an eraser
“Humor is the grease that keeps the wombats from reaching the top of the flagpole. Try to figure that one out.”
-Linny
“Bushes are nice because they don’t have prickers. Except when they do. This one did. Ow.”
-Ralph Wiggum, after being pushed into a bush
