The Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent
Okay. In order to understand this properly, you need the phone book for the 'Derby and District' area. This is in England! Anyways, as you can see, Derby is coloured in orange, with the surroundings coloured in blue. You might be foolish enough to think that the blue area is land covered by another phone book, but NOT SO! The blue area is obviously reffering to an Underwater Kingdom. In other words, the great underwater civilisation of Burton-Upon-Trent.
You see, in this magical land populated by the Great Sting-People (See Conspiracy Of Stingray), they are ruled by the Great Elephant God Nneka Mekka (See Conspiracy Of Nneka Mekka) and give birth through their toes (See Conspiracy Of Jellied Toes). It all makes sense. You just have to believe!
Now, obviously the Derby County Council are trying to avert our attention from this wonderous land by making us think that the blue area is simply another district. No!!! There must be something amazing there that they don't want us to see! It must be... The Screw-HQ!(See Conspiracy Of Screws)
The Conspiracy Of Stingray
Stingray is truly a wonderous program. It is on prime-time channel 2, has it's own page on the BBC cult site (wowee) and many truly dedicated fans. But an innocent, harmless TV show it is not! Obviously with it's wonderousness it is attempting to take over the world. It has already succeeded in some areas (See Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent). It fills people's mind with Stingray related thoughts until Bam! People metamorphasise into one of the Sting-Folk.
But, as Stingray is kinda cool, we don't really mind. Bam!
The Conspiracy Of Nneka Mekka
Whilst Sarargh and her equally insane partner-in-crime Becka (otherwise known as Big Orange Fat Satsuma) were innocently trying to watch a movie at the local UCI, they were forced to sit through many an advertisment first. But lo! one advert was shown no less than 11 times in as many minutes! This advert depicted a large elephant, or as we now believe, The Great Elephant God Nneka Mekka.
Nneka Mekka is the god of dancing, as Sarargh and Becka danced wildly when she appeared, so much so that Becka did verily fall over and they did both verily embarrass themselves. Hey, that's life.
Anyways, Sarargh and Becka are not the only followers of Nneka Mekka, this Wonderous Elephant God also looks over the great underwater kingdom of Burton-Upon-Trent (see Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent), with his son, Alastair McGowan (see Conspiracy Of Alastair McGowan), and wife, Wellie Ellie. (Wellie Ellie was the innocent plastic elephant friend of Sarah and Becka until the conspiracy took over!)
The Conspiracy Of Jellied Toes
Okay, the Conspiracy of Jellied Toes actually refers to a metaphor Sarargh dreamed up in a lifelong fit of insanity (yes, she was with Becka at the time), but as we have discovered, it has great relevance to the rest of our conspiracies!
Sarargh has had a ring stuck on her toe for eleven months. This is because it is pregnant. It is ready to give birth at two months, but you can leave it longer if you wish (like Sarargh). But leave it too long, and your toe will go mouldy and die!
This is like jelly (jello in the USA, I think). It is ready to eat afterabout 3 hours in the fridge, but you can leave it longer ( like Sarargh's toe!). But leave it too long, and it too will go mouldy! See, now you understand!
This is how the Sting-folk of the wondorous undersea land of Burton-Upon-Trent give birth! (see Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent and Stingray).
The Conspiracy Of Screws
It was first brought to our attention by someone at our ex-school named Sam that at least one screw was missing from each chair, meaning that the chairs were leaning and dangerous to sit on! Why? I hear you cry. Well, they use the screws to construct a giant lightning-rod! (see Conspiracy Of Alastair McGowan).
They process the screws at the Screw-HQ, which is located in the wonderous undersea world of Burton-Upon-Trent (see Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent)! This heinous plan has resulted in many a pupil meeting an untimely bruise by falling from their chair. Noooo!!!
They are also obtained from the mock-toys-r-us road in Walla-Walla (see Conspiracy Of Toys R Us)
The Conspiracy Of Toys 'R' Us
In a small town near my home (for security reasons this town shall be named Walla-Walla)there is a ring road. Now, on this rong road, one of the roads leading from ends in nothing Just a pile of rubble. "That's okay!" I hear you cry. "People would never be so stupid as to just drive into that pile of rubble!" But no.
Now, everyone has seen the Toys R Us advert where the car headlights are lighting up the dark road - you can only see the road immediatley in front of you? Well, innocent people copying this advert in Walla-Walla at night, just driving along looking at the immediate road, beedless of the dangers ahead, will drive needlessly into this heinous pile of rubble, crashing the cars.
Why? To render the car helpless, so that the screws from it can be removed and taken to The Screw-HQ. (see Conspiracy Of Screws)
The Conspiracy Of Alastair McGowan
A new development has come to our attention in the Big Conspiracy!
Sure, Alastair McGowan may seem like a harmless comedian that does very good impressions, but have you ever though why he is so good at these impressions??? This is because he is secretly a sock salesman from the wonderous kingdom of Burton-Upon-Trent (see Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent). Unfortunately, he is not getting much business, what with these new-fangled fashions of stockings and tights and such like. Huh.
Anyways, he came up with a plan. He would breed a race of Weaver Fish to act as his minions, to hide on sandy beaches and sting people's feet so they would have to wear more pairs of socks to protect the injured area! (This is true. Our friend Lloyd was syung by one and wore 6 pairs). Then Alastiar McGowan will finally sell socks and become roch and ultimately take over the world.
But to make his evil minions - the Weaver Fish - he has to build them, Frankenstein style. So he needs lots of electricity. And how does he get this? A lightning-rod. And how does he contruct this? Using stolen screws (see Conspiracy Of Screws).
He lives in the wonderous land of Burton-Upon-Trent with his father, the great elephant god Nneka-Mekka (see Conspiracy Of Nneka Mekka).
The Conspiracy Of Ruphio and Prunes
Kat's twin sister, Ruth, is caught up in an especially disturbing conspiracy! Everything in the world seems to relate to Ruth and prunes.
- I saw a girl who looked exactly like Ruth eating a prune yoghurt. I didn't even think they existed!
- I was at the cinema with Ruth and on one of the adverts there was a strange shape which looked just like a prune.
- Ruth and I were talking about how waterproof our skin was, then we accidentally said "until it gets really wet, then it goes wrinkly and looks like a prune.
There have been many other instances also which have slipped my memory at this very point. There can only be one explanation - Ruphio is secretly a govenor of the magical undersea land of Burton-Upon-Trent (see Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent) where the national staple diet is none other than prunes!! This all makes sense; Kat was the first of my friends other than Sam to discover the missing screws (see Conspiracy Of Screws); she must have seen some of the papers from Burton-Upon-Trent in Ruth's bedroom!!!
The Conspiracy Of The B-up-T Government
The magical undersea world of Burton-Upon-Trent (see Conspiracy Of Burton-Upon-Trent) must obviously have a government to keep iteself running. So, here we have the regal and legal system!
The God and Ruler - The great Elephant God Nneka Mekka
The God's Son and Sock Seller - Alastair McGowan
The God's Wife - Wellie Ellie
The Govenors - Ruphio, Edward Timerad, Anotonio Blare, Sir Thou
Now, how did we find out about all of these people? Well, for Nneka Mekka, he came to us in a cinematic vision (see Conspiracy Of Nneka Mekka). Wellie Ellie is also explained there. Alastair McGowan was revealed in a revelation (see Conspiracy Of Alastair McGowan). Ruphio was uncovered in the conspiracy of Prunes (see Conspiracy Of Ruphio and Prunes). Edward Timerad was mistakenly exposed by Felix (Kat and Ruphio's brother), when he suspiciously proclaimed his love for him. The same happened for Sir Thou. (We are worried about Felix). Antonio Blare; well, there's one in every government.
The Conspiracy Of The Underground School
Shock! Horror! Another school has been taken over in this mysterious, wonderous and heinous conspiracy! (Yes, I am aware of the oxymoron). Let me explain...
In Sarah's new sixth form school, there are many classroom blocks. They strangely go: A, B, C, D, E, F... M, T! How odd! So where are the rest of the letters??? What about Q and Y and K! Where are they?!
Well, the answer is simple. They are underground, underneath the school - as proved by the suspicious abundance of manhole covers in C block. Now, what are these mysterious secret classroom blocks for? Well, it's obviously where the secret agents from the Screw HQ are trained! (see Conspiracy Of Screws).
* Definition of True = Correct. Definition of Troo = Lies. Sorry. These conspiracies are tongue-in-cheek, ie. jokes! Well, we like to believe them anyways...
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