THE UNIVERSAL MANUAL TO PC GAMING

Playing games in the manner of a real man involves one unbreakable law: Never, ever, ever read the manual. Throw them away. Toss 'em. While this certainly is a manly strategy, occasionally you will find yourself searching for rules, button layouts, ad troubleshooting tips. So, just in case you do find yourself in need of a little help, we've created the solution...a never-fail universal manual, just think of it like those universal television remotes. And trust us, it will work for any game.

EPILEPSY WARNING

Although ases of seizures caused by computer games are as rare as a tasteful moment on the WB network, every game is required to have this warning. So remember, if you find yourself twitching on the ground, vomit to your side, don't swallow your tongue, and don't sue the publisher.

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

[Your system] plus 166 MHz
[Your system] plus 16 MB RAM
Just enough hard drive space to make you uninstall one or more of your favorite games.

3D CARD SUPPORT

The next generation of your chipset
An obscure chipset you've never heard of
The chipset everyone told you to buy, but you didn't

INSTALLING THE GAME

Insert the CD and run install.exe.
After computer crashes, restart and go on www.nameofdeveloper.com/patches and download install1.06.exe.
Run patch.
Choose between compact (delete one favorite game), typical (delete your entire drive including windows), and full install (upgrade computer to holographic memory).
Realize the game actually takes twice the hard drive space listed.
Delete the rest of the games you enjoy.
Run install again.
Grab beer, pizza, and complete works of Tolstoy for entertainment while game loads.
After you accidentally install Direct X 3.0, go to www.microsoft.com/directXforMoronsWhoClickedTheWrongButton.html to reinstall Direct X7.
Install several obsolete video players on your machine.
Start game.
After computer crashes, restart and go on www.nameofdeveloper.com/patches to download nameofgame1.06.exe

THE BACK STORY

[Name of Game] is set in the dark apocalyptic world of the near future. After man destroyed the environment using nuclear bombs and other cliches, the world became bland and dark. It has been replaced by a world where bad guys try to kill you for no apparent reason and where you can kill them with impunity.

As [fill in blank with a random grouping of words that include synonyms for death, sharp stuff, or various hard things Examples: Cutter Slade, John Blade, and Tiger Woods], your job is to move throught the barely comprehendable storyline, kill everything that moves, and do other stuff that you did in Quake, Warcraft II, or a combination of the two.
Note: Don't waste time worrying about the story...it doesn't affect the gameplay in the slightest.

THE MAIN MENU

At the startup screen you will be allowed to choose between the following buttons:

OPTIONS

Sounds- Click between low quality, high quality, and ultra THX surround sound. (This option is merely cosmetic. No matter what you click, it sounds the same.)
Graphics- Here you can change the game resolution, but remember, any changes will result in a blue screen, requiring you to use jumper cables and intravenous drips to restart your computer.
Controls- Here you can remap your controls, but if you change a single option, it will, in fact, wipe out another more important button you'll need later on.
Customize- here you can change your player model or army in numerous ways. However, you will still be virtually indistinguishable from any other character you face.
Advanced Controls- Anything you change in this menu will force you to re-install the game if you ever want to play it again.

MULTIPLAYER

Internet- Click on this button to play extremely laggy games over the internet. Try [nameofdeveloper].net so you can get matched with people all over the world.

The beginner section is full of experts looking to prey on newbies for a laugh
The intermediate section is full of experts looking to improve their ranking.
The expert section is full of experts who will destroy you because they can.

Modem- Click on this button to play wildly laggy games over a phone line with a friend, who will no longer be a friend because you told him to buy this game based on an ecstatic review in [random geeky game mag].
LAN- This acronym is only for game magazine reviewers who have complete access to the office network. It is included to get better reviews. Don't even bother to try at home unless you've got muh cash and patience.

SINGLE PLAYER

This is the part you play until you can go no further without buying the official [name of game] strategy guide for $14.99.

HOW TO PLAY

Here we have broken this down into two sections: Action and Strategy. For those games that have action/strategy written on the box, play a quick (free) game of mix-and-match.

ACTION

Use weapon to shoot anything that moves
Example: Anything that moves on screen, you shoot until it blows up
Find key and open corresponding door
Example: You can figure this one out for yourself
Use number buttons to switch between weapons...
Standard- Weak weapon everyone starts with (just like the one found in Quake)
Machine Gun- High rate of fire weapon used until you find something better (Example: the machine gun in Quake)
Plasma Gun- Shoots blasts of energy, offers minimal damage, but more importantly, displays special effects (similar to the one in Quake)
Rocket Launcher- This weapon blows up bad guys but doesn't hurt you when you rocket jump (see Quake again)
Big Gun- This gun is a ridiculously unbalanced weapon that wipes out a full room of people and makes deathmatch completely unfair. (Note: If the game you are playing has Turok in the title, each and every weapon falls under this category.)

STRATEGY

Click on units, build bases, and send units after enemy
Example: Land on map, build base, chase enemy to four corners of map, start again on next level

UNITS

Gatherer- Basic unit worth nothing in battle
Speedy Unit- Speedy unit worth nothing in battle
Basic Medium Unit- Medium strength unit, make lots of these and rush them at opponents
Air Unit- Flying unit worth nothing in battle
Heavy Unit- Heavy unit worth nothing in battle

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem- My screen is black
Answer- Either your monitor is not plugged in or you have entered this game's special dark level, if you are experiencing the latter, run around and use any weapon with lighting effects. This level's two purposes are to show off the lighting effects of your weapons and to cover up boring level design.

Problem- My computer freezes when I start the game
Answer- Your machine is far too archaic to run this game. In fact, any computer on the market is far too archaic to run this game. We suggest you wait two years, then buy a top of the line computer and 3D card. By then we will have a patch that fixes this problem.

Problem- My game plays exactly like other games
Answer- There is a conflict between your need for creativity and the need of money-hungry industry executives to turn out crap. However, we are currently working on an innovative patch that should make the game slightly different than the titles we copied. Look for it as soon as we can find another game to copy.

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Visit the support site at http://www.nameofdeveloper.com/customerservice.html. Once you recieve the Forbidden 404 message, try to call the customer service number. After you've waited several hours on hold, you may want to fax your request. All faxes will be forwarded to the garbage can. They will only get back to you iif the company encounters extreme periods of boredom. If you still can't get ahold of customer service, try the mail address, but really, what would be the point?

HINTS AND TIPS

If you need help on this game, call the company's tip line (number found on nameofdevoper.com). At $1.99 per minute, you will hear a reading of this exact manual in a very slow, deliberate manner.

ENJOY YOUR GAME!

PC Accelerator- July 99 issue, page 110-111

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