Themes

Melissa Johnson has expressed many breathtaking quotes throughout the years. But have you ever observed that many of her quotes are usually centered on a few specific themes? If you have not noticed this before, here is a collection of themes on which Melissa frequently remarks, along with examples of her most exceptional and luminescent utterances.

Urine/Urination

• "I don't know if I'll have to pee too...it'll probably just come out." - Tuesday, December 19, 2000

• "That isn't good for the bladder though." - Wednesday, January 10, 2001

• "I wiped myself with my hand at the theater." - Wednesday, March 21, 2001

• "Yay! It's coming! It's coming SIDEWAYS!" - Sunday, April, 8 2001

• "It smelled like rotten pee that had been there for three days. It was gross!" - Monday, April 9, 2001

• "I have to pee. I don't want to pee in the people pants though." - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "Did he piss or did he crap? I want details!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

Poop

• "I don't understand this at all...it's like a piece of poop." - Thursday, September 7, 2000

• "That is some crazy poop." - Tuesday, September 12, 2000

• "Shit. Eat shit. It's yummy!" - Monday, April, 2 2001

• "Maybe he's taking a shit in the shower." - Tuesday, April, 3 2001

• "You could smear poop on it and lessen the lighting!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "I'd rather buy a piece of shit than the people pants for 58 bucks!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "Maybe someone was having poop sex in there and that was the leftovers." - Tuesday, July 10, 2001

• "Somebody shit on a dog's face?" - Sunday, September 2, 2001

• "Yay! I'm glad it wasn't a long poopie." - Wednesday, September 5, 2001

• "Shit is tasty." - Thursday, September 6, 2001

• "For English, you poop out a book and that's your I.S." - Monday, September 24, 2001

• "It smelled like somebody pooped on my toothbrush!" - Thursday, September 27, 2001

• "I should take a crap all over the leather coats." - Monday, October 15, 2001

• "I'm poopie." - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "Everything's poopie...it smells poopie in here." - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "That's a fun poopie way!" - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "I'm gonna scare them because I'm gonna poop on somebody!" - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "I'm cooped up, I can be pooped up too!" - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "OK! I love poop, start over!" - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "Poop is so nice...it's such a relief when it comes out." - Friday, October 19, 2001

• "Did he piss or did he crap? I want details!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "I have a confession...I haven't pooped today!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "What happened to poop, and why is he so mad at me?" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "I like to drink warm shit...yum!" - Friday, January 25, 2002

• "Listen to that. There's crap in the cough." - Friday, April 26, 2002

• "Hey I pooped twice the other day and that is a rarity for me!" - Monday, June 17, 2002

• "Yes, I have decided not to poop in toilets anymore and prefer the trash can instead." - Saturday, June 22, 2002

• "Poop is cold, fire is hot." - Tuesday, July 2, 2002

• "Yes, you let the bacteria on your face fight the bacteria from the poopy and you hope that they all kill each other off, so when it is over your face is clean." - Sunday, August 4, 2002

Butts

• "I don't know if I have any pockets in my butt or not." - Sunday, February 18, 2001

• "He's kickin' his own ass! Yeah!" - Monday, April, 2 2001

• "She insulted you. Shoot her up the crack!" - Monday, April, 2 2001

• "Where's my butt? Oh yeah, there it is!" - Sunday, April 22, 2001

• "I want a butt print too!" - Thursday May 17, 2001

• "I can walk on my butt, watch!" - Friday May 18, 2001

• "I wanna get my butt pierced!" - Friday, January 25, 2002

• "The first baby born from the butt!" - Wednesday, April 24, 2002

• "I don't know what it was, but it had pinchers on its butt." - Thursday, July 4, 2002

• "I used the email: bigbutts@hotmail.com" - Saturday, July 6, 2002

Food and Eating

• "You know what? This expires July 2000...do you still want to eat it?" - Saturday, January 6, 2001

• "Yeah, don't be [worried] though, they won't eat you." - Wednesday, January 10, 2001

• "If I rub this on the corn, it tastes corny. It really does!" - Thursday, February 8, 2001

• "I don't like Mexican [food]...maybe because I'm American?" - Saturday, March 17, 2001

• "You're not gonna eat me, I'm gonna eat you!" - Sunday, March 18, 2001

• "Ew! What is that? That just looks...yummy." - Wednesday, March 28, 2001

• "You ordered that. Now eat it or else I'll have to look at it!" - Wednesday, March 28, 2001

• "Shit. Eat shit. It's yummy!" - Monday, April, 2 2001

• "I'm gonna eat this food. Even if I have to barf it up, I'm still gonna eat it!" - Monday, April, 2 2001

• "Be right back, I have to go look at some porn....no, actually I am getting food!" - Thursday, May 31, 2001

• "Maybe I'll get into Chinese food!" - Tuesday, August 7, 2001

• "Do you know that Chinese dish? It starts with three letters." - Tuesday, August 7, 2001

• "I hate healthy food...I don't eat anything that is healthy!!" - Tuesday, August 7, 2001

• "Put [the money] away. I'll eat it if you don't!" - Thursday, August 9, 2001

• "Is there a donut problem in isle three?" - Thursday, August 9, 2001

• "I like bread in my hair." - Thursday, September 6, 2001

• "I hate Thanksgiving. Food sucks!" - Friday, November 2, 2001

• "I need a quickie and a cookie. Oops! Did I say that out loud?!" - Friday, November 2, 2001

• "Only fat people eat the fat!" - Tuesday, March 26, 2002

• "All the penis talk has made me hungry for a banana." - Saturday, August 3, 2002

Nudity

• "Nakedness and me just don't mix." - Wednesday, September 27, 2000

• "I can't go to class without clothes!" - Friday, March 30, 2001

• "If I were out here naked, I would be happy." - Wednesday, May 2, 2001

Sleeping/Dreaming

• "Why would you want to sleep with the dust balls?" - Saturday, October 21, 2000

• "I could sleep in here if it didn't stink." - Thursday, December 7, 2000

• "Wow, that must've been a real thinking dream!" - Sunday, March 4, 2001

The Library

• "I am library-dumb." - Monday, September 4, 2000

• "Fuck the biblioteca!" - Sunday, April 22, 2001

• "He's like a mom in a library." - Sunday, April 22, 2001

• "My license is a library card!" - Friday, March 1, 2002

Motivation and Determination

• "As long as it gets done on time, it doesn't matter when it happens." - Friday, September 1, 2000

• "I'm not very good at things." - Tuesday, September 12, 2000

• "I need money, but I don't want to work." - Tuesday, February 13, 2001

• "I don't like anything that takes effort!" - Sunday, February 18, 2001

• "I think I will be a bum with a 120,000 dollar education." - Sunday, February 18, 2001

• "I'm not getting up early Tuesdays and Thursdays if I already have to get up early Monday-Wednesday-Friday. I'm not doing it!" - Monday, July 31, 2001

• "I can't think creative!" - Thursday, August 9, 2001

• "I wanna be a lazy rich woman with the ching ching!" - Thursday, July 11, 2002

People Pants

• "These are my people pants!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "Shopping for people pants makes me hot!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "Me and my people pants are outta here!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "Happy people on the people pants." - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "I'd rather buy a piece of shit than the people pants for 58 bucks!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "I should get rolls because I have people pants!" - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

• "I have to pee. I don't want to pee in the people pants though." - Tuesday, June 6, 2001

Death/Dying

• "I hate people. Everyone should die!" - Wednesday, March 21, 2001

• "I almost died today. Leave me alone!" - Monday, March 26, 2001

• "I hate that class. It should die!" - Tuesday, April 17, 2001

• "They're like rubber: they won't die." - Wednesday, May 2, 2001

• "I am not that morbid and I would be sad if I killed you...I will kill a snake though" - Friday, June 21, 2002
• "Bugs never die." - Thursday, July 18, 2002

Drunk Quotes

• "'Melissa' sounds like 'melanoma.' That's not good!" - Tuesday, February 27, 2001

• "I have a high tolerance for alcohol...I've decided." - Saturday, September 1, 2001

• "I like to be annoying and have lots of fun." - Sunday, September 2, 2001

• "Half cheetah...half man! Hahhhh!!!!" - Sunday, September 2, 2001

• "Somebody shit on a dog's face?" - Sunday, September 2, 2001

• "I finally chopped off his face and his antlers were still moving." - Sunday, September 2, 2001

• "It's Labor Day...you're supposed to work." - Sunday, September 2, 2001

• "I have a confession...I haven't pooped today!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "This is cool! The purse, reverse...is...reverse purse! Reverse...it rhymes! Purse reverse!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "Are you laughing at me? Am I laughing at me?" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "He's being fuck!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "My liver hurts!" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "Can I have an alcohol ticket? I should go ask for one." - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "What happened to poop, and why is he so mad at me?" - Friday, November 30, 2001

• "Guys, don't get vodka up your nose. That's Melissa's tip of the day." - Saturday, February 16, 2002

• "People do drugs and alcohol at the same time and they dont die." - Saturday, February 16, 2002

• "You're a dork! Get out of your own room!" - Saturday, February 16, 2002

• "You guys, my vagina is numb! I can't feel!" - Saturday, February 16, 2002

• "I know I'm not drunk because I would not drive and I would not buy Indians tickets on eBay!" - Sunday, March 31, 2002

• "I was in my own little world...I was on the floor!" - Sunday, March 31, 2002

• "I just want to go to an alcohol meeting and when they ask, 'Where do you see yourself at twenty?' I'll say, 'DEAD!'" - Wednesday, April 3, 2002

• "I'm the captain of Team Diggs! I'm the captain! I'm the captain!" - Wednesday, April 3, 2002

• "I'm gonna die from liver cancer!" - Friday, April 5, 2002

• "She gave me herpes on my elbow!" - Friday, April 5, 2002

• "Is this a smackable ass?!" - Friday, April 5, 2002

• "They told me to change because I'm hot...in more ways than one!" - Friday, April 5, 2002

• "I'm just gonna do half a shot...I have a little mouth!" - Saturday, April 6, 2002

• "See it's ok...'cause everybody spits on my floor!" - Saturday, April 6, 2002

• "I don't want to get fucked up the poop shoot!" - Saturday, April 6, 2002

• "I will be happy for you later." - Friday, April 26, 2002

• "I am being haive!" - Friday, April 26, 2002

• "If I was writing a paper, it would be right." - Friday, April 26, 2002

• "I like anything straight." - Friday, April 26, 2002

• "How can you be hungry...I've eaten 400 calories of alcohol today." - Saturday, April 27, 2002

• "Exclamation dot!" - Wednesday, May 1, 2002

• "As we speak, some little ounces are going out and some little ounces are going in." - Friday, May 3, 2002

• "I know. I'm a good drunk." - Friday, May 3, 2002

• "I am nothing without vodka...I am everything with vodka!" - Friday, May 3, 2002