Teh Randomness!!

So I'm living in California now. Let me get a few things off my chest before I go on.

California drivers are not only inconsiderate, incompetent, and impatient, they are complete idiots. I like to call this the four I's of getting your cali liscense.

I drove from washington through Oregan, after which my sister took over. Trust me, 24+ straight hours of looking at the back of a Penske truck that keeps trying to stay in the Exit Only lane until the last 10 feet isn't exactly something that I would deem fun. But then, who am I to judge. Either way, the very first time I drove in California was in the parking lot of a shitty gas station that didn't have a decent selection of beef jerky... despite the last friggin 100 or so miles of nothing but cows I saw. Obviously "Happy Cows" come from California but the population is so squeemish down here that they couldn't bring themselves to harm another living thing unless it wore a different color than them, came from the other side of town, and had oposable thumbs.

Getting back to the driving, the Penske truck had my niece in it, and my sister took her to the bathroom. She tells me to put the car next to the Penske truck, we were parked on the other side of the lot, so she wouldn't have to walk back across to get to the car. At first I thought she was just being lazy, but then the idiots behind me proved that it was a safety hazard not to walk around without about 16 hundred kilograms of fiberglass and metal around your body.

I put the car in reverse and I'm sitting there waiting for this car, which had 2x4's longer than the car itself hanging out the back passenger side window, to pull out in to the street because he was blocking me in. I think the church van infront of me saw me burning a cross as we were pulling up and bribed the guy into doing this.

It was about this time that I notice two more idiots coming from the store over to the car. They had smelled that foul "dog shit in my carpet" smell of the car and decided to come see if he had his loyal companion with him, which he did. You could tell that these 2 groups had never met before in their life, but that didn't stop this couple from coming over and petting the black lab with one leg missing, feebly trying to position himself around the 80 feet of 2x4 so that when the driver would inevitably hit a road sign his other 3 legs would still be attached to his body. A conversation then took place that consisted of 15 minutes of "Oh! What a cute dog!" and "What happened to him? Oh you miss your leg dont cha boy!"

Church van in front, idiot redneck, and hippy dog lovers behind me, I started honking the horn. That didn't work, so I yelled out the window "Dogs aren't cute, they are inferior animals that are eaten in some countries! Get out of the friggin road!" This didn't work, so I went to my last resort. I pulled, out of the amazing amount of junk that we managed to fit in a 03 cavalier, a length of metal pipe and commenced beating the people behind me. This still wasn't moving the car though, so I strapped the dog to the drivers seat, put a block on the accelerator and launched him down the highway. Last I saw that dog was approaching speeds of 80 when he hit the resturaunt. True story.