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THE EMPLOYMENT JOURNAL (JOURNAL OF JESSIKA SPECIAL EDITION)
3.20.01 12:32 AM It's Spring Break!!! I really don't much to write about. This is the new journal. I wish I had time to save my other journal from the old site. Oh well. Past memories are not missed at all in Jessika Land. I've been feeling really stoned lately. Oh yes, stoned. But---I'm NOT. I don't do drugs. They frighten me. But I am feeling stoned. Just really fucked up, you know? Really, really fucked up. I AM fucked up. But what else is there to be, right? I wish my appearance contained an aura of mystery. I really do. Then I'd be more appealing to everything and everyone I bet. MAYBE. As of late, I have been overcome with this terrifying notion that I am, indeed, going to die. I can't see myself going anywhere after high school. Like, as an adult. I have no goals. I don't have any goals anymore! I have no vision! GAH! I see it as an omen that I'm going to get killed or kill myself or something. Lack of motivation is a dangerous thing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3.20.01 11:15 PM Wow. Well. I just finished watching Rushmore and Say Anything... Both fine calibur films I must say. Two of my absolute most favorite films in one night. I was electric I assure you. My little dog, who is sitting in my lap as I type keeps licking my fingers. Perhaps in some conspiratic motive to keep me from typing this journal entry. STOP IT LUCY. That did not work. My dog IS really doing this. I've had to go back and retype a lot because of her anti-progressive licking. I got in a "tiff" today with a lady at the Eckerd's photo-lab. The price of a 1-day 24 exporsure roll of film in $6.99. For a 12 exp. 3 day development of 35mm film she charged me $8.22. Now, does this make sense? I pointed this out to her, and she was really rude and gave me the so-called "discount" which in fact, was the RIGHT price. Crazy notion, huh? And I was like, isn't this still a little high? Because, according to your price chart, it should be this. And she was like, the extra dollar is for the index print. And I'm like "I didn't indicate on my sheet I wanted an index print!" and she was like, oh we do it automatically. You have to specify you don't want it. At this point, I grap the envelope, show her where I HAVE NOT checked the box next to "index print" and say "OH, so your saying that by NOT checking the box indicating I want index printing and an extra dollar charge I have, IN FACT, indicated that i DO want it? Oh, now THAT makes sense!!" I was really rude and sarcastic. And this 17 yr. old bitch got really mad because her manager walked up and pointed out I was right, and she shoved the photos in my face. I wouldn't have made a big deal about the extra charge...I mean, I'm normally pretty spineless and happy-go-lucky (pauses for laughter) but did she have to be so rude? Maybe she was having a bad day...but you know, she deserved it. She's just lucky I didn't rip the butterfly clips out of her hair and use them to gouge out her eyes and then shove them down her throat, you know? But anyways, today was pretty good, except for that "incident." It's the first time I've ever argued with a store clerk or anything. BACK TO WHAT I WAS ORIGINALLY DISCUSSING: Rushmore. I want to be like Max Fischer and direct my own plays. THE END. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.22.01 1:10 AM That last journal entry was extremely malicious. I apologize. I am not even sure why exactly I was so angry anyways. Oh well. I'm not anymore. I feel bad now. With my luck she'll be there when I pick up the other roll of film. Oh well again. I just finished watching "Magnolia." It was absolutley wonderful. Julianne Moore is like, my idol now. She is sooooo good. So is William H. Macy. I'd forgotten just exactly how GREAT that movie was. I'm really tired right now so I really don't have many deep thoughts and insights to express here right now. Sorry. I just feel bad re-reading my last journal entry. I was really mad. I apologize for frightening anyone...mainly myself... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3.23.01 1:45 AM Hmm...went to a show tonite at the local musick venue. Had a lot of fun. Met a nice boy. Very smart. VERY...intriguing. The best word to describe him. Intriguing. And that's a compliment. It says it all. I am v. much happy. I'm seeing his band play again tomorrow at a battle of the bands type thing...so, I guess I'll have more to write later... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.24.01 8:48 PM Well. His band got runner-up in the battle o' the bands so I was glad. They should have won though, and I'm not saying that just because I know the guys either. Talked to The Boy some more. He's one groovy dude. Helluva cool guy. We both like The Bends, Radiohead's 1995 opus. That's really all I need to know....he likes Radiohead. He is cool. Radiohead=cool. But yeah, the whole night was fun. Came in an hour past curfew due to circumstances out of my immediate control. Sort of. Oh well. Got a real bitching out...but oh well. It was SO worth it. The hour late, I mean... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.25.01 2:30 AM GARHGHGH!!! GAH! Not feeling like self at all. I was looking at my old yahoo profile and was like, you are sooo stupid!!! gah! I look at my occupation and fake name, and even though I've had those same names and occupations since the summer before 8th grade, I just use them for every new thing, I started to hate them so much!!! I create a new profile? Always used Ione Skye. Because that (say anything) was my first "semi-grown up movie" to see like, in 6th grade. (plus it's such a pretty name) BLAH! And then I looked at it and hated it! I was like, Ione Skye??!!! Whatever happened to her! I hate you it looks like Lone!!! I got very angry. So I'm frantically pressing edit buttons everywhere. V. upsetting. I felt so, un-like myself. It was crazy! I looked back on all my past likes and dislikes and suddenly hated myself!! bfdlafdlufakghdsu!!! Looked at old websites I created, realized how stupid I was. And these are from just months ago! And I felt really fake, although I haven't been. I just felt fake. I don't know why....I always loved the name Ione Skye. Now it sounds stupid and 80s and awful. And I LIKE the 80s! Gasp!!! EGADS! It's like I don't even know...I like all these thing I like now, but at the same time feel v. much jaded or cheated or fake or like a whore to pop culture or peer pressure or something!!! All of this stems from a slightly outdated yahoo profile. Oy vey. It makes me wonder though...If i hate myself, what the hell do other people think of me??? I don't even want to wonder about it. I'll get sick. Poor Ione Skye. Wonder what ever happened to her. I feel so de-tatched from everything I used to love. That's a symptom of depression you know. HAHAH...I found the name Ione Skye stupid!!! OH nooo!!! I don't even know why I'm elaborating upon the name Ione Skye. Fwah. It's fun to type, and i'm also on a caffeine kick from 1/2 a bag of chocolate chips and a coke. Comfort food. Changed occupation from 'searching for a meaning" to..."looking for my secret agent lover man" which is somehow not true and much, MUCH cheesier! damn! i hate yahoo profiles. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.25.01 2:45 AM Over yahoo profile incident. I do not know what brought this on. No one was online, I was like, i'll look at my profile, i need to update my website link" and then the neuroticy began. i'm okay. how are you? thanks for asking thanks for asking. That's a radiohead song. The Guy likes Radiohead, The Bends. And the dumb thing was that I listened to the bends on my way to pick my brother up from a friend's house. made me feel giddy. i want to be a glitter fairy alabaster goddess moon child. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.25.01 2:49 AM Feel horribly stupid. Hope The Guy does not somehow read all this. Hope no one reads any of this. Hope Ione Skye makes a comeback. I just got through watching a telemovie w/ Ione Skye in it. It was bad. But she was funny, she played a school teacher with a dark secret. Hideously awful show. Thus ends the Ione Skye manifesto...what the hell has gotten into me??? I am annoyed with myself right now. I will stop this nonsense. Stop being so sad and serious and worried. Start having fun and being outgoing and dry-witted and very clever. Will stop worrying and being neurotic. Will be infinately witty and smart. Will not care what others think. Will be kind and just have fun. Will not fail Mrs. Dabney's math class. Will have INNER POISE. Will not worry about Ione Skye. I had an Ione Skye day. Watched Say Anything on encore. couldn't sit through it, yahoo profile incident, telemovie. it was all too much. the biggest of my concerns is my profile. eeek. oh no! i've stopped capitalizing!! gad. i feel so much better now. My profile name is now jude persnickety. which seems much better to me. jude b/c that's my favorite name, and adoptive confirmation name, and persnickety, because it's a funny word to say and hear and spell. thank you, and sorry i've been dull as of late. i've written paragraphs about my yahoo profile. ugh. no one reads it and it's a big -ass deal to me now!!! argh! the end. i gotta stop this shit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.25.01 11:40 PM Feel v. much better after last night's/this morning's purge. Very much better. Things with The Intriguing Boy haven't gone anywhere. Do I REALLY want to know what he thinks about me??? I think I'd much rather nurse my fantasies. It's much happier. I'll live in a perpetuated state of pretend happiness and disallusionment!! Hurrah! Or maybe not. We'll just have to see...now must go think of excuse to see band again. Dur. Must call Jane. GAH! 11:40. Would Jane's rents mind? Yes. Blast. OH yes, Blast. Is correcting one's grammar a cute quirk? I kinda think so. Not quite a quirk so much as a habit. Me and my vocabulary!!! Oof. 1/2 bag of chocolate chips is taking it's sweet revenge. No pun intended. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.28.01 9:45 PM Pre-return of email by Intrigue Boy Paranoia. GAH!!! Have just come to the conclusion am FUCKING LOVE PARIAH. Oh well. *feels sorry for self* Guys are fuckwits. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.28.01 10:23 PM I'll live. Am v. lonely. Stupid goddman banquet season is coming up and do not have to have a "date" to such functions, but would feel better if did. Will still go if do not have date, with hopefully only slightest tinges of stinging lonliness. Blah. What a fucking waste of time and thoughts. Could be doing something productive with time, like running prose (which am having to run for Cure tomorrow and am scared shitless) or could be trying to maintain inner poise. I just had the strong desire to get very fucking drunk and start in on Henry IV for English. I've never done that before....and won't enjoy getting drunk and/or reading Henry IV. Don't know why I want to. HAHA! Hopefully will understand the stupid thing better. I shall tell Mrs. Proctor about my drunken adventure and she'll be "How do you think I understand this shit so well?" I am cussing an awful lot. Sorry. Deal with it, this will be a selfish "stupid rant" journal entry. I want to be selfish. And I think I deserve to be selfish..although I really don't. Saying I deserve to be selfish makes me lose all my "deserves to be selfish points." My sense of goodliness and morality and unselfishness can kiss my ass! I'm paranoid, neurotic, stressed, un-talented, slightly fat and out of shape now, tired of everything, loveless, and I'll write about that as much as I want. Not that I know anything for sure about Intrigue Boy...but it's not looking good. I only met him 3 times so it's okay...but still a depressing general statement about me. Best case scenario: Has simply not checked email. Worst case scenario: Read email, (nothing too forward or anything was in there...I was really unemotional. Stictly webmastering business...really) Anyways, read email, doesn't like me AT ALL, knows I am into him, doesn't want to give me any false ideas and chooses not to reply to my questions about the site. BTW, look for a new essay on local bands...which was what I was emailing him about---he has a local band! Fuck. I will believe the worst case scenario right now, because I don't give a fuck if it's pessimistic, it's probably true. Ain't that always the way? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3.31.01 11:15 PM In better humor. More or less. MORE OR LESS. Ah fuck it. Am v. much tired of talking about my feelings right now. Not feeling v. introspective or thoughtful or coherent at all. Saw some really good UIL OAP's tonite. Wit (Yes--the HBO thing) was soooo very good. And we did The Rivers and the Ravines. Which was really good. Hit close to home w/ my mom and all. It was wonderful. It made me cry. It made me mad that most stupid MHS kids can't relate to the show, and were kind of prick-ish to me, like it wasn't a good show b/c it didn't have people dying of AIDS or whatever, and nobody was gay in it.. So what? I don't mind if people don't like it, but when the act better than a story like that I get a bit angry. Oh well. It was a good show and I hope it broke--v. touching. I think it would have been better for some people if they hung around farmers more often. My mom's side of the family are all farmers. Not that I'm Miss Morality, I do get into that "I only like avant-garde snooty, artsy pieces" but still---some seemingly open-minded theatre people are SO closed-minded! SOME, theatre people are. I probably am..who knows. ANd most importantly---who the fuck cares? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4.01.01 11:45 PM WELL, have just figured out New Year's Resolutions and, yes, am well aware of the fact it is APRIL. 1) Will have inner poise. 2) Will find inner goddess 3) Will stop cracking knuckles, joints etc. 4) Will stop caring what others think about me (all the time) 5) Will love myself. 6) Will work hard at school. 7) Will stop looking for My Secret Agent Lover Man seeing as he is not going to show anytime soon. 8) Will get the nerve to ask for Austin Wright's number seeing as I always seem to run into him all the time...is a sign. 9) Will get nerve to talk to Intrigue Boy and just enjoy myself and not obsess over if he likes me or not. (all the time) 10) Will love myself. 11) Will avoid self-esteem poisoners such as Steven, and not care that I am avoiding them for that purpose. 12) Will not let Steven get me down, shit happens, right? 13) Will appreciate nice days. 14) Will not worry about consequences as much. 15) Will write more. 16) Will make more movies. 16) Will have more long talks with Percival. 17) Will trust that people are nice to me because they like me and not JUST because I am nice to them 18) Will enjoy life!!! And myself as I am!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4.04.01 10:45 PM Okay, had a good fun day today. Need less school and more random adventures with good people. Silly education! I've stuck to most of the resolutions so far...'cept for like, all of them. Oh well. I've been talking to Percival while I drive. Yesterday after school I drove for like, 2 hours!!! And I just talked to the fish about my problems, and I look and it's got this wide-eyed gaping expression and I laugh and realize these petty incidents and worries mean nothing!! And I feel good about life in general. It works for awhile, everyone should have a giant 5 ft long stuffed rainbow trout!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4.06.01 10:00 AM I am writing this from interp. Fun fun fun. My teacher left to get coffee. As always. Silly Mr. Baker. Oh well. I NEED him to come here and type in his account name and password so I can get into my e-mail account. GOD!!! I NEED to check my mail to see if Intriguing Boy has e-mailed me back. Oh well. Probably not. All this trouble for nothing. Damn. Well, better go look at poetry at least that I have to perform for Balderdash. Stupid. Persnaps Boy doesn't like me at all. Better get my hopes down so I don't crash too hard, you know? Fwah...
