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04.06.01 11:59 PM Well. My heart has been ripped from my body and thrown into the garbage disposal. Oh well. I don't know anything for sure...but that's how I feel right now. Intrigue-Boy probably doesn't like me "like that" oh well. Why can't I be a boyfriend girl and not a boy friend girl? It's not fucking fair. I am a fucking love pariah. I need to stay away from matters of the heart because my heart is way to fragile for this kind of stuff. My Secret Agent Lover Man doesn't fucking exist...ever. Jesus, now I have to go change my damn yahoo profile again. Oh well. The plan is to close myself off from every guy. It's too easy to get hurt. Way too easy. And I've learned that it's fucking not worth it to take chances either. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.08.01 12:01 AM Okay, that last entry was pretty unreasonably dramatic, but that's the way I feel. And that's the way things are. Sucks ass. It does. It really sucks ass. I try to tell myself it won't suck as much ass if I have a better attitude, and I'm actually trying to have a good one, but you know---it fucking sucks ass! I've got Lush's "Single Girl" stuck in my mind. And I listened to Sleater-Kinney and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts all day pretty much. Tried to feel empowered as a Sinlgeton. And then I realized one thing, which brings us right back to the main theme of this journal entry: IT SUCKS ASS. I really hate saying "sucks ass" but that's the only description that works. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.08.01 2:00 PM Well. I take that back. I can't fucking stand it anymore. I am a fucking loser. A BIG FUCKING LOSER. I hate this. I hate pretty much everyone because I'm pretty sure they feel sorry for me. The same people that say they "understand" have boyfriends and it makes it worse even though they don't mean to. I always thought, that once I gave up taekwondo I wouldn't be such a Carrie-Strug gymnast freak that trained 23 hrs a week, etc. So I did, things got better. But then I kinda expected to have time for the things I was missing out on. Dating, etc. Well, turns out I still am. It wasn't ever taekwondo, it was me. All the time. It IS me. Always has been. Well holy fuck, there's the problem. I don't want anyone to ever talk to me again. I can't take getting hurt anymore, and I know I shouldn't be such a baby, but I don't fucking care about stuff like that anymore. I shouldn't let myself be open and raw too easily anymore. And I shouldn't be crushed down so easily now, I don't know why I am. I guess I actually really liked the guy. Fuck. And I shouldn't let all this stuff get to me so bad. I guess it's years of "heartbreak" so to speak, building up and finally I can't be cheerful happy, cynical, sarcastic, funny Jessika anymore. I can't help people anymore. I can't fucking take it. I don't want to be nice and talk to people anymore. I just want to be alone. And not talk to anyone or have a crush on any boy ever again. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.10.01 10:30 PM Hmm..thank goodness for all good friends. Still feel really lonely. My heart hurts so fucking bad. It fucking sucks. Things were have supposed to be "getting better" for the past 7 years. Goddammit. Oh well. Have good friends and should feel incredibly greatful for that. Still not the same. And heart still hurts. Think will become vegetarian again. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.11.01 10:47 PM Feel better as long as do not think about anything. Feel nothing, right? Oy vey. Why does this shit keep happening to me??? I need to ask somebody who's good at this guy stuff (a girl) to help me out here. LOL. Silly Jessika. Poor silly Jessika. Went to breakfast for some award today. I was very sleepy and they watered down the orange juice. Ech. What does THAT tell you!?!? Anyways, I'm tired. Of everything. Write something more later...maybe. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.14.01 1:05 AM Should have trusted bad vibes. (think we'll still be friends...sort of) Boy doesn't like me. "Not his type." to quote Jane's boyfriend, "I don't get why you think he'd like you anyways. You're too weird for him." Harsh. Really fucking harsh. I feel so bad right now. I had to spend the rest of the night at Jane's, which is good, but her boyfriend (mean one, some times) came over. And was you know "all over her" so to speak the entire night and I was a goddamn third wheel again. (which, was my fault, i said it was okay that he came over...but...still.) See? Wouldn't you have all liked to see me and Intrigue Boy get together? Wouldn't it have been nice to have gone back and made this journal entry the one that was all "I feel so dumb about writing that negative stuff. He liked me all along!" Wouldn't that have been nice to read that instead of this bullshit? I'm not anyone's type. 6 years of finding a guy that likes me for me is too long. Way too fucking, freakish love-pariah-ish long. I'm fucking tired of it. I can't take my self-esteem (which is nonexistant anyways) being ripped apart again. It's no fun. I'm tired of being open to people. Tired of being friendly. I always get hurt. I hate being friends nonetheless liking people. I wanted to prove my stupid interp coach wrong. He said "you won't find a boy to take you to banquet. You're too weird? Will you bribe him? Does he even know what you look like? You're too weird." wouldn't it have been nice if that wasn't true? but it is. and i wanted to prove him wrong...or rather prove to myself he's wrong. but the jerk is right. what do you know...so fucking hurts right now. 'specially jane's boyfriend being mean. i mean, jesus christ. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.16.01 10:40 PM Hm. Well. It hurts. Been making a lot of music videos and "films" lately. Very fun and therapeutic. Do things to make me happy. One of these days I will put up a picture of my good friend Percival and his smaller, happier friend, Happy Fish. They make me happy. 'Specially Happy Fish. Thus the name, Happy Fish. We all go driving, Happy Fish, Percival, Slinkster Dog, and Yoko. Tis great fun. And for all of those of you who ever wondered...Mansfield Highway can take you anywhere you want to go if you stay on it long enough. I drove to Kennedale, Mansfield, and Midlothian. And I'm sure if I go down it the other way---I'll go to Canada. !!!MUY DIVERTIDO!!! (Guys are fuckwits...haha! Figured I'd better stick with the trend of the last few whiny entries, thank you for tolerating my angst) _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.18.01 10:27 PM SHITFACED DANCES TO ALTERNATIVE POLKA PERFORMING SCANDALOUS HARDCORE HOKEY-POKEY!!! WATCH THE MIDLIFE CRISIS DRUNKARDS WITH FAMILIES DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! ENJOY THE NIGHT! PLASTIC BLOW UP ALIENS FOR ALL!!! HOORAY! _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.22.01 12:22 AM Hmm...nothing going on in my life really. Lonely. Sucks. Have fun dreams though. And that's what's the best. I can nurse my little angel boy fantasies all I want and still hope, etc! It's actually quite good. Always something to dream about? Because meeting an angel boy hasn't happened, yet. So this sounds sad, but it's quite fun! Some pig asked me out in world history. Really rude and mean, thinks he's a "playa". I'm nice so I told him I was "inbetween things with another guy" Thom Yorke/Beck/Trent Reznor/Jude Law could still show up on my front doorstep asking me to marry him, right? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4.26.01 10:24 PM GAR!!! I can't do anything right lately!!! I have a duo partner that hates me, because I really suck and I've been feeling really dumb lately. Really stupid. I can't act, I am not cut out for theatre or interp. I can't do this stuff!!! I am having the worst streak of shitty performances!!! And it doesn't help that my duo partner absolutely hates me. Well, dislikes me at least. It sucks, I get all the notes, and he's doing such a great job and I feel like I'm totally letting him down. Jessika can't act. Well, I can...just not that well._____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 05.04.01 11:35 PM No school today. Almost was eaten by a tornado. Kind of scary since I was home alone. I really don't want to die alone. It was still really exciting though. Duo went well. Broke to semis and I was pleased. Duo partner does hate me, but it's okay. I don't mind too much as long as he doesn't get too rude. Maybe he's just going through a bad time, which is extremely plausible. Trying not to whine so much about my problems. It's become a bad bad habit. Very bad. Am trying not to be so sad all the time, and it's better. A lot better. But not the best...soon. Blah. Crew was harrowing today. Felt awful. Didn't go out tonite. Stayed in and made jean skirt out of jeans. Harder than anticipated. Still needs work...something petty made me sooo angry! I told Self-esteem poisoner Steven about a musical idea of mine..."Anne Frank" or "ANNE!" and together we built upon it. And he was telling friends of ours about it one day and he was like "I gotta tell you about me and Danielle's idea...Jessika I think I talked with you about this" and proceeded to talk about him and Danielle's musical idea, which was MY exact idea...and this is awfully stupid. But just the way he said "I think we talked about this" made me so mad. I'm sure my face was red. How awful. I felt so mad. Everybody laughed about it...and I was like "Me! I'm funny!!" Haha. Soo stupid and petty. But still!!! Gr. The little things piss me off the most. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5.10.01 10:32 PM Well...I've been awfully selfish in Interp lately. I mean, our coach did promise me things, but then I have to understand that something better came along, but still! Argh, the patronization. It wasn't even a real promise to begin with. He was like "so you're saying you think you've EARNED it..." blah blah. And I felt really bad and petty. Blah. Besides that everything is going quite well (I say that at the risk of jinxing it...haha!) But things are well. Musical is stressful at some areas but fun. Blah blah blah. Looking for a job..._____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 05.12.01 11:21 PM Went to a party. For the band of the Boy. Very fun, I think. Everyone there was kind of mean and obnoxious. I didn't fit in. But it was a pretty night and it was cool to hear the band and stay outside. So I was content to sit there and drink Dr. Pepper and play with French Monkey Keychain. I enjoyed myself immensely. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 05.20.01 1:14 AM Last night of the musical. I am very sad and happy and tired all at the same time. God I'm going to miss some people so much. And I know it always feels as if things won't be the same after the seniors leave, and that we won't be able to do anything but---still!!! This musical has really given me insight into the whole hierarchy of power (bullshit) in theatre though. Which I really don't like at all. But I think I love performing and constucting shows enough that I will put up with it. Like it? Nooo...tolerate it? Barely...interp is really pissing me off--I think I'll just do whatever Mr. Baker says and if it works out, great! And if it blows up in his face--that's good too! More power to me. I'm really kinda a lot sad. I'm terrified of graduating...I wish to live in a perpetuated state of "Dazed Baby-Freshmen new to everything" life....haha..I really didn't think I'd cry so much...wonder what will happen at banquet...ergh! _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5.21.01 10:06 PM Well. Had the interp banquet tonite. It was a lot of fun. Really inspired me to want to work even harder at what I want to do-so that's good. I felt really sad though, I really want to do good things for the interp and theatre departments, I don't know if I can. I get the feeling people don't really think I can or they don't particularly want me to do anything...we'll see what happens next year.
