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Dear Foxy Lady...
This will be without a doubt the most difficult email
I have ever written in my life. It may well very be
the most important thing I ever written in my life. I
wrote to years ago, telling you how much you meant to
me, trying to explain what I felt, and why. Words
always seem to elude me, and sometimes got the better
part of me. If your wondering why I’m writing you this
email, then your intuition is failing, because you
already know what I’m going to say. New Years Eve,
yes, this is when life ended for me, and I became who
I really am in true fashion.
You’ve always known exactly what my morals are, and
the mistakes that I’ve made. You know what I think
about drinking and smoking, and securing my future for
the better. Seems I’ve taken a step back... in the
wrong direction I must say. Lately I’ve been drinking
more than I’ve ever dreamt possible, and,
unfortunately it’s gotten the best of me.
Frankly, there is no easy way to explain this, except
for that I’ve met someone who is more of a friend than
anything else to me. I haven’t fallen in love, but I
spend a lot of time with this person, and on New
Years, yes, I drank, yes, it got of hand, and yes,
I’ve become everything you and I hate, tainting our
relationship indefinitely as I've done with others in
the past. If its any consolation I’ve paid for my
sins, broken the one promise I’ve made to you, which
no person should ever have to make to anyone.
Considering the extenuating circumstances of my life
though, it has become a necessity for me, and I’m a
person who lives by punishing himself in ways most
people could not imagine. What many don't understand,
is that its not actually doing it that makes you
remember what you’ve done. It's the pain that follows,
the pain you feel when someone grabs your arm and has
no idea of the atrocities you’ve committed to yourself
that makes you remember exactly why you deserve to be
punished.
In some ways you and I considered things working out
between us to be perfect timing, although now I
realize that not to be the case, in fact, things were
to late. My relationship with *Jane changed me. I
should have walked away, but I would rather sacrifice
myself for someone else instead of protecting my own
interests. Which is exactly what I did, and now I’m
going to pay for it for the rest of my life. As of
now, my life is over, everything I have ever worked
for I’ve thrown away. I imagined this perfect life,
one with you, and children, and a house and all those
wonderful things that follow. But now, I’ve given up
that perfect life, I’m not sure I really wanted it in
the first place. Not that I didn't want it, I just
couldn’t handle it. I’m tired of trying to be perfect,
tired of trying to make myself in to something that
I’m not, something I see in my mind that I can never
be. I’ve spent the last twenty years doing absolutely
nothing with my life, and now I’m paying the price for
it.
I’m not the person everyone thinks I am. I’m not good
at Chinese, I’m not good with computers, I’m not a
nice person and I’m definitely not someone that other
people like. If I was someone else who met me, I’d
probably hate myself, although I’ve never really hated
anyone, just felt sorry for them I guess. Everyone
always feeds me these bullshit about how I’m so
wonderful, and that I’m such a great person. Well how
the fuck would they know, how the hell would they know
who I really am. Everyone always has all these
secrets, like their life is a god damn conspiracy.
I’ve never lived like that, nor do I ever intend to. I
don't understand why people have to lie about me. Its
not easy being a half-breed English American that
every British person hates. I’m nothing, nothing but a
half-breed stupid American, who crawls underneath the
skin of every British person here, and would rather
see me dead than blabbering on about whatever it is
these ridiculous Americans seem to talk about in their
spare time.
Since the hours of last night I haven’t been able to
clearly collect my thoughts, and I’m not sure I will
be able to for some time. This always seems to happen
to me, I make it six months to a year and I snap.
Unhappy, just as before, and unable to cope with my
own life. It’s amazing, I can cope with the world
around me, but myself just seems to be too damn
difficult. How is that possible? What makes me so
difficult to deal with? I’m a control freak you know,
you’ve seen that in my eyes, and in my words. You see
how particular I am about everything, and if it
doesn't work out, I don't even want to be bothered.
Who can live with someone like that? Maybe my father
is the same way and I don't realize it. Maybe that's
why my mother left. I haven’t spoken to her in almost
half a year, yet for some reason I still have not
found the words I’m am looking for to express why I’m
so disgusted. But in actuality, when you look at the
entire picture, I’m no better than her. My father
always warned me to look out for women like her, who
would pull the same shit that my mother did with my
father. I think he should have told me to look out for
myself, “beware of becoming too much like your
mother”, is what he should have said, because that's
exactly what I’ve done.
You will hate me after this, there is no doubt, I’ve
betrayed your trust as I’ve done in the past. I swore
to myself that I would never make the same mistake I
did with *Jane, and that my life would be different.
But what I was unable to see was the years of
depression that followed, and fact that alcohol makes
it ten times worse. If I was to kill myself, I would
have to be drunk, there is no way I could ever lower
myself to that point without making it ten times
worse. Yes, I’ve had a rough time here, and this
person has definitely helped me through a lot of it.
We are not in love, we are two people who care about
each other as friends, and value our friendship more
than anything. If your wondering what happened between
us, its not as bad as think, no clothes were shed, no
words exchanged, just a friendship that was taken
beyond that threshold that some people cross because
there is no other way to explain why your friendship
is so strong. If kissing is considered a sin, then
yes, I’m guilty. But this was not some random act,
someone I just picked out of the crowd and asked to do
something stupid with me. This is a friend, someone I
care about, and would do anything for, just as I would
for the next, except that this person has been there
for me here. She has helped me through thick and thin,
with a sincere heart, and I’ve have only expressed my
gratitude to her in the most honest and most sincerest
way up until now.
I think the smartest thing we ever could have done,
was the same thing *Mike did when he left for Japan.
Left things open, and if it was meant to be in the end
when I came back, things would have been fine. No
bitter jealousy, no words of hatred exchanged, just
the opportunity to meet new people and take advantage
of all that life has to offer. At this point in my
life, I don't know what I want, I always said I should
have wound up alone in life, and maybe I will. I don't
deserve anyone...... and you...your one of the best
people I ever could have met, so for me, it's the
extreme best for the worst. Me, of course being the
worst. Apologizing doesn't make sense, because it
doesn't offer the feelings I wish to convey. So, if
you can understand how I feel, which would be putting
yourself in my position and feeling the way I do, then
you know exactly how I feel, and that words just wont
work. You and I are carbon copies, which is a great
thing, because I don't even have to explain how I feel
sometimes, you just know. I’ve betrayed you, and I’m
telling you, because I know you trust me, and I would
never break that. Even if we were only friends... even
if we were enemies.
At this point, I’m not sure what to do, I need to
find myself first, and that is going to take some
time. I’ve lost the better half of myself to a
relationship that almost killed me, and now it only
plagues my life to the point where I have no control.
This is going to be it, this is the turning point in
my life, it happens now, there is no more putting it
off till I feel like it, or working it out “someday”
it needs to happen now, if I ever want to see
another...happy...day. I want you to know that I am
happy with you, and that all of this is not about you,
it’s about me. I’ve had some serious problems, ever
since high school. Things that I have not been able to
deal with because I care too much, and other times,
don't care at all. There isn’t a day that goes by here
that I don't think about you, that I don't wish you
were here with me. I guess hitting a low like this
once again, has spurred what has taken place, which is
why I need to find how to deal with this, and be
happy, be myself, and stop worrying about the things
in life that don't really matter, and start worrying
about the ones that do. I will not lie to you, I’m
afraid, of losing everything, but sometimes, that's
the way life is, and has to be, and if that's what
happens, well...then I’ll deal with it and move on.
It's the only option I have, and I’m going to take it.
Please, let me tell you, one more time, that you are,
the most amazing person in this world that I have ever
met, and I value that more than anything else in this
life, and there is nothing that will ever change that.
If, you choose, never to speak to me ever again,
believe me when I say...I understand. This whole
thing, yes is extremely hard for me, I hope you
realize that, and I hope that you realize that I’m not
the same person, I’m changing, everyone does...I just
wish we could have changed together.
Words cannot express my sincerest gratitude if
you’ve made it this far in reading this, I can only
hope you understand where I am in my life, and that,
timing, is not was it always seems to be.
I love you, with all of my heart, and all of my soul,
and it probably sickens you to read these words from
me at this point, but they are true, they always have
been, and they always will be.
Forever in your debt for the gratitude you have shown
me on this earth:
*Pathetic Guy
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