A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?" He says, "I don't know." She holds up a finger and says, "That big?" He says, "Bigger." She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?" He says, "Smaller?" She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it." She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
Two drunks are sitting at a bar. The first one says, "What's this thing they call a Breathalyzer'?" The second guy says, "It's a bag that can tell how much you drank." The first guy says, "I married one of those things years ago."
An Italian guy, a Jewish guy and a Polish guy are talking about their daughters. The Italian guy says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a pack of cigarettes. And I didn't even know she smoked." The Jewish guy says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a full bottle of Vodka. And I didn't even know she drank." The Polish guy says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a box of condoms. And I didn't even know she had a cock."
Sam comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?" He says, "Nope." She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt." He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my cock."
Harry says to Eddie, "Congratulations. That new secretary of yours is gorgeous." Eddie says, "I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot. She's the latest model from Japan. If you squeeze her right boob, she types a letter. If you squeeze her left boob, she dials the boss. And she can have sex, too." Harry says, "You're kidding, right?" Eddie says, "No, I'm serious. And you can even borrow her." Harry takes her into the restroom. few minutes later, Eddie hears horrible screams. He yells, "Harry, I forgot to tell you, her asshole is a pencil sharpener."
Schwartz goes to see his Rabbi. He says, "Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi says, "I'll tell you what...let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls Schwartz and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours." Schwartz says, Do you have any advice?" The Rabbi says, "Yeah. Take the poison."
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