Well, okay ... since this is a review site by design one would probably imagine that we have some sort of rating system devised. One would be correct in assuming as much. "Well, Daniel" one might say "I notice that your rating system is broken down into little subcategories. Perhaps you could explain them to me?" Perhaps I could. Since my love of bad films is a complex and complicated matter, I have constructed a rating system that I feel best reflects the film's various values. Please remind yourself that I work vigorously upon the belief that the worst crime a film can commit is to be boring. This point of view, in and of itself, may warp my opinions slightly ... but only slightly.

FILM RATING:
This is the film's overall value as a motion picture. Some films, like "Schindler's List," are very good films. They would get five stars. Some films, like "The Harvesters," are terrible as they look like they were filmed with a home video camera. They would get one star. This rating is based on production values and the quality of acting and writing. As an aside, B-movies are rarely known for their production values or quality writing and acting. There are exceptions, however.

: excellent Oscar-calibre film
: blockbuster material
: at least they put some effort into it
: made in three weeks for less than one hundred thousand dollars
: backyard horror film time, baby

ENTERTAINMENT RATING:
"Apocalypse Now" is commonly accepted as one of the greatest films of all time. However, I'd rather sit back and watch "The Alligator People." Does that make "The Alligator People" a better film? No, of course not! However, it makes it a more entertaining film (in my personal opinion, of course). A sign of a terrific B-movie is that the lower its film rating is, the higher its entertainment rating should be. Afterall, with movies entertainment is the most important thing.

: an absolute riot
: a hoot, holler, and howl
: definitely worth a look
: watch only in extreme fits of boredom
: Zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz

OVERALL RATING:
If the entertainment value is lacking, a great production or artistic value can sweeten your opinion of it. If the film is obviously low budget but the story leaves you captivated, you might be more liberal with your prognosis. "Con Air" was an incredibly cheesy, contrived film. However, lots of fun dialogue and neat explosions make up for it. "Con Air" benefits from this rating. This is, more or less, an average of the two previous ratings.

: excellent time for all
: very good
: above average
: ehh, it's okay
: avoid like a leper

DVD RATING:
I have one simple guideline. That guideline is that I only review movies I own. There is no particular reason for this, other than I feel it adds to the integrity (ha ha) of the site. That being said, many of these films I have been lucky enough to find on DVD. In the event of such, I have included a DVD rating. Does it have lots of terrific features like deleted scenes, storyboards, trailers, interviews, and Hebrew subtitles? It gets five stars. Does it simply start playing without even a pitiful title screen? It gets one star.

: run to Wal-Mart and buy RIGHT NOW
: buy it next pay period
: pick it up when it hits $14.44
: if it's two dollars at a yard sale you might want to think about it
: record it off of Tivo or something

Reviews

At this time I would like to elaborate on some of the review elements you will find on this site. It is my desire to create the most complete and comprehensive B-movie review site on the internet. For that reason I have included a couple of elements lacking from other sites.

OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL:
As you may gather from information elsewhere on the site, I am an evangelical Christian. "How then," you may ask "can you sit back and review horror movies while Christians protest things like Harry Potter and Lord Of The Rings?" Well, I believe the distinction comes from the fact that I do not at all take the films I watch seriously. I watch "Witchouse" and laugh. Some one else may watch "Witchouse" and decide that a seance is a good idea. Does this put me in the wrong? I don't know. Christians and nonChristians alike feel free to e-mail me and tell me what you think. The LORD has led me in the past away from things such as Ozzy Osbourne and WWE wrestling. As of yet I have felt no conviction about cheesy low budget horror films. Perhaps He will lead me away from this, too, in the future. Perhaps not. Afterall, the LORD *does* have a sense of humor!

"He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh:
the Lord shall have them in derision." Psalm 2:4
"The LORD shall laugh at him (the wicked):
for He seeth that his day is coming." Psalm 37:13
"But thou, O LORD, shalt have all
the heathen in derision." Psalm 59:8

I don't know ... but "Blackenstein" sure looks like derision to me.

However as a Christian there are numerous things I find objectionable and would rather not subject myself to. They are listed in correspondence with the reviews so you can make wise viewing choices. Do you struggle with an overwhelming desire to watch pornography? (If you do, tell your pastor or trusted authority ... trust me.) You may want to skip the film with a graphic sex scene. That should be easy enough, right? Granted, while graphic violence and gore should be objectionable I do not include them because most B-movies incorporate them as common elements. The same can be said for the supernatural. The things most likely to be found objectionable are nudity, sex, foul language, scenes of witchcraft and Devil worship, EXTREME and BIZARRE acts of violence, et cetera.

So, you think just because I'm a fundamentalist Christian I'm going to be sappy or cheesy? You think I'm a Ned Flanders? You think I sit around watching "Touched By An (Mormon) Angel" or listening to Creed? Stop hatin', yo. I've been bought by the blood of Christ and I'm keepin' it real. (I'm also much too white to be talking like that.) Try reading the Bible sometime ... lots of death, sex, war, intrigue, and betrayal ... oh, and it's the story of how God loves us so much He died on the cross for our sins. It's certainly an interesting read.

SHRIEK SIREN:
With very few exceptions, B-movies always incorporate attractive women. There is always a damsel in distress, bewitching beauty, or bombshell heroine. This feature is used to showcase a cornerstone of low budget horror and science fiction films. This part of the review is based solely on my own opinion and prejudices. I think Emily Perkins is the most attractive female in "Ginger Snaps." Why? Because I do! Considering how important women are to B-movies, I felt this was an area worth showcasing. Ideally, the Siren should have complimented or contributed to the film in a way that would not have been possible without her participation.

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These are some of our lovely Shriek Sirens in action ...

From the Bad Film Fan Files:

Appendage To Article 2001917Xdevas.AL35115:
XXIJLVII.) The Natalie Portman Clause
In the event that a film is unable to provide a suitable, viable female for candidate of aforementioned title of Shriek Siren, a female actor of unsuitable age (whether she is deemed too young or too old) may be used if at some point in her career, either before or after featured film, she did in fact fulfill the qualifications of being a Shriek Siren. This clause is so named after actor Natalie Portman, who -- based solely upon the merits of the beauty she was to become upon reaching the fruition of her womanhood -- was deemed capable of holding Shriek Siren status based upon a role performed when she was fifteen years of age.

Appendage To Appendage To Article 2001917Xdevas.35115
XXIJLVIIa.) The Plant Clause
In the event that a film is unable to provide a suitable, viable female for candidate of aforementioned title of Shriek Siren, and the aforementioned "Natalie Portman Clause" is also deemed incapable of providing a candidate, a house plant or small shrub may be used.

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UPDATES!

At around 5:04 p.m. on May 4, 2003 ... I put up my "Mr. Nanny" review and added the "Natalie Portman Clause" to the Shriek Siren section. I also fixed some spacing, and stuff.
At around 3:05 a.m. on May 3, 2003 ... I put up my third review! Mars Attacks! is not as good, because I actually really liked the film. And yes, I'm getting some sleep tonight.
At around 6:05 a.m. on May 2, 2003 ... I put up my second review! Ginger Snaps is up! Why have I been up all night? I'm sick ... leave me alone.
At around 3:05 a.m. on May 2, 2003 ... I had my first review up! World, say hello to "Trick Or Treat!"
At about 12:00 a.m. on May 2, 2003 ... I had a fully functioning main page and links page. Now, if I could only get some reviews up I'll be kicking.

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Music Selection: Alice Cooper's "Teenage Frankenstein" from his Constrictor album.
This site is best viewed using a broadband connection and with Internet Explorer 6.0

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"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." --1 Corinthians 10:31

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And now ... A Bad Film Fan Exclusive:
An Actual Script Excerpt From "The Return Of Swamp Thing"

EXT. MOTEL - A SHORT TIME LATER - NIGHT -FEATURE SIGN

The storm continues to deluge rain as we focus on the neon sign out front. It reads: CAJUN SAM'S RIVER GARDEN ESTATES. "WHERE THE BI-WAY MEETS THE BAYOU." "NO REASONABLE RATE REFUSED." "DAILY-WEEKLY-MONTHLY." The place is actually just a series of run-down, off-road bungalows somewhere near the main thoroughfare.

As the scene begins, a lone diminutive figure dodges out of one bungalow and over to another close by. This is DARRYL HALLENBECK, a slightly chunky 12-year-old white kid with a mission no amount of precipitation can deter.

CLOSER ANGLE - OMAR'S BUNGALOW

Darryl bangs furiously on the door.

DARRYL
Hey, Omie, it's me. Let me in. It's pourin' out here.

In seconds, the boy's best friend and confidant, OMAR "KHAYAM" BROWN, pulls the door slightly ajar -- but purposefully keeps rge restraining chain locked. Omar is "Eddie Haskell" to Darryl's "Beaver," and the fact is evident from the get-go. Watching his buddy stand there in the rain, Omar whips up one of his patented malicious grins, but says nothing.

DARRYL
Well, ain'tcha gonna let me in?

OMAR
Looks kinda wet out there.

DARRYL
You're damn straight it is. Now open the stupid door and let me in.

OMAR
(thinking a second)
What's the passwords?

DARRYL
Password! What dya mean password? We never had a password!

OMAR
Got one now.

DARRYL
(making a fist)
You wanna password, I'll give you a password.

OMAR
Oh, I'm so scared!

With that, Darryl steps back a few feet, preparing to make like a human battering ram. As he comes forward full force ...

DARRYL
All right you, here ... I ... come ...

... Omar unlocks the chain and pulls the door wide open.

OMAR
Hey, that's the password!

INT. BUNGALOW - NIGHT
... forcing Darryl to trip inward and crash headlong into a coffee table inside. Omar laughs hysterically, but still offers his friend a helping hand up.

DARRYL
You jerk.

So, the process of bad film writing looks more involved than you had imagined, huh?