Tagline: "Nice Planet. We'll Take It!"
What The Tagline Should Be: "For those of you who always though Sarah Jessica Parker was a dog ..."
Synopsis:
Tim Burton is a mastermind at his craft. He is truly a unique filmmaker in a quagmire of barren minds and fruitless imaginations. That being said, "Mars Attacks!" is not included on this site because it is a bad movie. Rather, it is included on this site to show people how stupendous a B-movie can be. Burton, although the thematic genius behind "Beetlejuice" and "Batman," is still not mainstream ... and his fans like that just fine. Tim Burton directing a pseudo-fifties motif science fiction film about an invasion from Mars based on a cheesy line of Topps trading cards is truly a cult film fan's dream.
Story Overview:
On a warm, sunny afternoon Martians show up. Humans, being naive, believe their visitors to be friendly and in search of cultural exchange and gregarious musings. They are not. They are here to kill.
Without giving away the ending (not that most of you would care, anyway) there really isn't a whole lot to say. The movie is a lot of fun, from beginning to end, with nary a slow point or pause in action. The action that ensues is full of enough midnight cinema clichés and suitably ludicrous visual marvels to fill a treasure chest full of "Mad Magazine."
As with all strange occurences, the arrival of our extraterrestrial visitors envokes different reactions from the diverse people of our society. Las Vegas tycoon Art Land sees this as an opportunity for business expansion. News reporter Jason Stone wants to land the story of the century. Barbara Land, Art's New Age puppet wife, sees their arrival as a sign of a coming time of enlightenment. Some are excited at the possibilities for peace while others are excited at the possibilities for war. Woe is upon them when they realize that our inferior intellect is no match for their superior weaponry! Congressmen die, monuments blow up, doves are fried, and Tom Jones flies a plane what is certainly a crooked trip down the paths of popular culture.
Reviews simply are not as fun when I have nothing but good things to say about the film.
Top Five Things To Look For:
A Few Good (Changing) Ties
Chia Trees
Ripped Pedestrian
Civilians Getting The Wrong Medal
Turtle Van
Line Of The Film:
"Intellectuals! Liberals! Peacemongers! Idiots!" --General Decker, in response to so-called "peace" activists. Who says there is no truth in Hollywood?
Objectionable Material:
The film is rated PG-13, although one might wonder why. There does appear to be some degree of comedic gore and violence (people burning to ash and Martians bleeding green) but to a jaded film fan, such as myself, this seems quite tame. There are some sensual elements, but nothing more revealing than a Lever 2000 soap commercial. Personally, I believe this film works for most of your more mature children.
Shriek Siren:
Natalie Portman
Again, there arose slight dilemma and controversy when it came time to crown the Shriek Siren for this film. My natural choice is Natalie Portman, who is certainly one of the most beautiful women to ever grace the silver screen. The problem is that she was only fifteen at the time of filming and I am sure that breaks some sort of Siren Age Verification clause. I finally arrived at a solution by crowning Miss Portman as our Siren, but judging her based on her later merits.
Shriek Siren:
Natalie Portman
There are probably those of you who claim this is against the rules. I make the rules. Shut up.
In all actuality, Natalie Portman is a fantastic actor and deserves every title, award, and accolade provided to her. Her role in "Léon" was extraordinary, her role in "Star Wars: Episode I" cements her Hollywood mythos, and her role in "Where The Heart Is" proves she can do the comedy-drama that has kept Meg Ryan in work for all of these years. He role in "Mars Attacks!" was no less impressive as she held her own sharing the screen with veteran legends Jack Nicholson and Glenn Close. Her role as first daughter Taffy Dale acts as the conscious (or humanity, if you will) of the presidential family and serves to keep it grounded in times of crisis. Oh, and she's quite hot.
Moral Of The Story:
SLIM WHITMAN KILLS!
