Mizzou Jokes
A Sooner, a Husker, and a Tiger are on a construction crew building a skyscraper. As they sit down to eat lunch, the Sooner looks in his box and yells, "Tuna fish, again! If I get another tuna fish sandwich, I'll jump off this frickin' building!" The Husker looks at his lunch and says "Peanut butter, again! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'll jump off this frickin' building!" The Tiger sees he has a bologna sandwich, and says "Bologna, again! If I get another bologna sandwich, I'll jump off this frickin' building!"
The next day, the Sooner sees he has a tuna sandwich, and jumps to his death; the Husker sees he has a peanut butter sandwich, and jumps to his death; and the Tiger sees he has a bologna sandwich, and jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the wife of the Sooner says "If I knew how much he hated tuna, I'd have never made him another." The wife of the Husker says "If I knew how much he hated peanut butter, I'd have never made him another."
And the wife of the Tiger says, "Don't look at me; he packed his own lunches!"
A UT grad, a KU grad and an MU grad are all expectant fathers at the hospital. All three become fathers at roughly the same time. Not long after the births, a nurse comes into the waiting room with a troubled look on her face.
"Gentlemen, I've got bad news," she said. "For some reason, we lost track of who's kid was who's. Fear not, however. Your fatherly instincts will come through and you should be able to pick out your kid right away."
As they walk into the nursery, one of the kids seems to make a "Hook 'em Horns" hand gesture. The Kansas alum immediately races over and says, "This one's my kid!"
As the Jayhawk is walking out with his new son, the nurse says to him, "I'm pretty sure that was the Texas baby. Why did YOU take him?"
"I didn't want to take the chance of getting the Mizzou kid."
One day Quin Snyder visits Roy Williams and asks him "Roy, why do you always do so well in the conference? I mean, we recruit players with about the same amount of talent. How come you do so much better?"
Roy calmly tells Quin "Well, it's because we recruit smarter players. Here, let me show you."
Roy precedes to call Nick Collison over and asks him "Nick, who's your fathers, brothers, nephew?"
Nick thinks about it a moment and then answers "Well that would be me" and then walks off.
Roy turns to Quin and says "See."
Quin, thinking he has learned something, goes back to Missouri to see how smart his players are.
He walks up to Ricky Paulding and says "Ricky, who's your fathers, brothers, nephew?"
Ricky thinks about it a moment and then says "Well that would be me."
Quin looks disgustedly and says "No you idiot, it's Nick Collison!"
How can you tell the difference between a KU grad, a K-State grad, and an MU grad?
KU grad has his name on a building...
K-State grad has his name on a door...
MU grad has his name on his shirt.
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches basketball for the Missouri Tigers and I was just too embarrassed to say so." (1GorillaHawk)
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made. It's a planet,and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a beautiful land in the center of a large mass. "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Kansas, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and prairies. The people from Kansas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them a super-human, undefeatable basketball team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
"JAYHAWKS!" Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth people I'm putting next to them in Missouri."
Q: How many MU students does it take to change a flat tire at night?
A: Two: One to hold the flashlight while the other calls his daddy on the cellphone.
Q: Why was the MU basketball team late for their last game in Lincoln?
A: Every time their bus passed a sign that said 'Clean Restrooms', they did.
Coach Quin Snyder is only dressing 3 players for the MU game against Nebraska. The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.
A Mizzou Tiger died and went to hell. The devil decided to torture him some, so he sent the Tiger to a room where the temperature was set at 85
degrees with 70% humidity. To the devil's surprise the Tiger was smiling. "Just like Columbia in June," he said.
The devil got angry and cranked the
temperature to 95 degrees and the humidity to 80%. Again the Tiger was smiling as he unbuttoned his shirt. "Feels just like good ol' Columbia in
July."
This made the devil really mad, so he cranked the temperature up to 100 degrees and 100% humidity. The Tiger was still smiling. "Just like
Columbia in August."
Now the devil was really mad. He thought for a moment, and then an evil grin enveloped his face. He reached over to the temperature control and
turned it way down to 20 degrees below zero. He laughed cruelly as he went to check on the Tiger, but to his shock and dismay, the MU fan was
jumping up and down, whooping and hollering.
"It has finally happened!" the Tiger cried. "Missouri must have won the national championship!"
Q: What do you call a guy who drives a car with 2 Mizzou players in the back seat?
A: A police officer
Q: What do you call a Mizzou basketball player in a suit and tie?
A: Defendant
A first grade teacher in Columbia explains to her class that she
is a Missouri Tiger. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Tigers too. No one really knowing what a Missouri Tiger was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone
along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be
different.
"Because I'm not a Tiger."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why, I'm a proud Kansas Jayhawk," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Kristen why she is a rebel.
"Well, my mom and dad are Jayhawks, so I'm a Jayhawk, too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?"
A pause and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Tiger."
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