The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directionally proportional to the cost of the carpet.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Whoever has the gold makes the rules
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
When in doubt, mumble.
Cleanliness is next to godliness - Tidiness is next to impossible.
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
Don't complain. The wheel that squeaks the loudest often gets replaced
Be nice to other people. They outnumber you six billion to one.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Act weird and make them wonder.
You can only be young once but you can be immature forever.
The two rules of success 1 - don't tell everything you know.
If you can't convince them confuse them.
Remember: a pat on the back is only 16 inches away from a kick in the butt.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking
Don't worry about what people say about you. 'Cause it can't be as bad as what you think about them.
Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood
If you're going to do something illegal, at least enjoy it.Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Never underestimate the length of the path to perfection.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctors cute forget the fruit
Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
Stoners live and stoners die; but in the end we all get high. So if in life, you don't succeed...f*ck it all and smoke some weed.
Do It. It's easier to get forgiveness then permission
If it doesn't work, use a bigger hammer. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
There's nothing more fun than ignoring the rest of the world.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Never trust a second thought. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
If at first you don't succeed blame someone else and seek counselling.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Trying is just the first step toward failure.
Before you meet the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over
You can push a person everywhere, except through a door that says pull.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
