Ok, these are some weird things people I know have said, I found them amusing.
Tara
"So, I was practicing my expressions in front of the mirror last night."
"I was pretending to be Cinderella last night."
"I love Jonathon Ross."
"He's related to me, in a totally unrelated sort of way"
"No, we just pretend he's an alcaholic so we can laugh at him."
"He doesn't know what he,s getting himself in for - in fact he probably doesn't know I'm alive but thats a issue we will address later in our relationship."
"O well I must now announce that despite constant attempts otherwise it is essential that I part! Fare thee well my good friends - until tomorow, of which will be filled with endless tales of shaun and the usual - do not cry that I am gone I will see you in time! Good night and god bless you both."
"Why don’t they let insane people vote? We have opinions too."
"66. Who are your best male friends?: Shaun, Henriko, Jonathan, Marty (LOL!)"
(about fire) "It just sits there, it doesn't look like its going to hurt you."
"Its evident that that is a farsical belief if ever I witnessed one! Just to quote my father."
"If I had seen any more weird people that day, I'd have been in Glasgow!!"
"My dads from Glasgow and my mums from Torry, am I supposed to be in any way civilised?"
"If I hold my stomach it makes me look strong."
"David and I were in the choir as childern, but we were thrown out for using profane and blasphemous language during rehersals."
"Stephen! Stephen! Theres a MAN in the toilets!!!!"
"Awwww, guess who I just saw?"
"Mr Haggarty?"
"No, that would have been aaaahhhwww."
"From a linguistic point of view, I worked as a dishwasher."
(Asked who she was saving a seat for) "Henrik Larsson, he might decide to come in here."
"Succulent babies? Was the reason you don't want childern because you might like...eat them?"
"Sometimes you've just got to ignore Sarah"
"He's fat, ugly AND a Rangers fan. I cant think of a worse or more likely combination."
"I think you might be one of those people, no not those people, No, no! not those people, theres not a term for these people."
"Some people would be pure affronted at the idea of being a hairdresser."
"Oh my dear"
Clare
"Why don't I have any quotes on your website?"
"I feel sorry for the people that live in your head."
"I don't like his..... I think there's something growing in it."
"Long distance hug!!"
"Sha-la-la-la, always leprechaunies!"
Me
"MEN!!!!"
"The floor gremlins'll get it to boost their economy."
"They can melt it down to make pots and pans and statues."
"Alphabagyetical Spagyetical"
"What kind of a boy wears b- ..."
"Can I hae a scoof of your wa'er min?"
"..And if he tells him then, I'm screwed....... OH!! I hope so!!"
"Sorry, I'm just laughing at your face."
"I'm pregnant, with your brothers baby.(mum comes in).... can we forget I said that?"
"I am a hedgehog, I am a hedgehog."
"I'm not a slut, and neither is my chicken!"
"Am I wearing a tie?.... oh yeah, ok."
"If we all had wheels, I'd fall over."
"Da, awa, mwaha"
(holding an orange jelly bean) "Do you want a jelly orange baby?"
"Steph, even though you're having an affair with me, you can't be having my baby, it just doesn't work like that."
"..very... un shallow, what do you call that?.... Deep!"
"No... it can't be Kyle, coz Kyles purple... did I just say that?"
"You know when you cut the head off a plastic cow there's Jemma!!!
"Which way does nine face?"
My Dad
"Somebody whose not completly anchored in this universe and two or three standard deviations does not encompass them."
"The stone age didn't finish because we ran out of stones."
"Mmmm...Special bit of sausage."
"Teenage boys aren't any good at risk assesment. They either drastically underestimate it - as in walking down a flume, or overestimate it - as in washing."
My Mum
"Oooh, he looks like popeye!"
"By, he's a big lad. Wheres his neck gone, I don't think he has one. His heads squashed it."
"I don't mind Green Day, and Jimmy Eat World are ok, but I don't like that Nirvana. Its too loud."
"I'll waft you!!! I'll lock the door while you're out there!"
Baz
"Yeah, hes a waste of space, check his ears." (about Prince Charles)
(in answer to "Were you born in a field?") "Yeah, Somerfield, you slagging?"
"Slaggin my ma?"
Dad - "You can show this to future generations and say.."
"You can't eat this."
"Nowadays you can eat a lot of things, but you can't eat this."
"Why don't I nae.... neeeigh"
"I'm not robbing this car.... I HAVE KEYS!"
"I'll get him to phone you back, he's on the toilet just now."
"Ian Edwards is here, for some odd reason."
"Lewis you spubic hair"
Wim
"The suspension'll kill us!"
"Was I born in Aberdeen Royal Ingermany?"
"What does "brunt" mean? Coz the bus driver called Gary a little brunt."
"Toothbrush! What does communal mean anyway?"
"Oh, I feel like a chicken."
"You nodding, talking, financially rewarding, anal-dwelling butt monkey!"
Jemma
"Sean is nice with his shirt off???"
"79 days!!"
"You're not thick, you're intelligent, but you're stupid."
"Up The Kilt!!"
"Shot down like a pigeon in mid-air!!"
Daniel
"It's crept up on us like James Bond might. Then he'd hit us over the head with his gun, and we'd go unconscious, although that wouldn't really happen, it always does in the films but in real life you'd just go "ow, you git that really hurt" and slap him one. The end. Mission over, you know?"
"So if theres ever a naked german up a ladder saying "probier mich" to you, you'll know what to do."
"ah, 'tis lovely my dear, like the morning dew on a leaf, or the sunrise or a picnic under a tree on a hot sommers day, or a beautiful bird in flight, a blossoming flower being crushed underfoot by a giant mutant maggot out to rid the world of all that is good and pure and have a damn shitty time of it in the process"
"So, Steph, if you had either of our babies, would they be vampires too?"
"aha well, thats the cunning part. it will involve a spanner, some mustard, a recently bereaved hedgehog, an equilateral triangle, the planet saturn and all its rings, the northern lights ( trapped cleverly in a plastic spoon ), the queen mother's sunday underwear, a reconstituted dna code from my dead goldfish, and a neatly chopped poster of michael j. fox"
"I've got a tub of fake semen in my pocket."
Steph
"My dad says they should change their name to Aberdeen Nil to save time"
"1 week since last monday!"
(Steph and Jaquline)"Has your derrier been prespiring more than usual?"
"I need the toilet........................... I should go shouldn't I"
"Je le mange."
(About her shampoo) "It bit me."
Stephen
"Size Matters!!"
"Roberts your fathers brother."
(English Essay Title)"Diarys Are Forever."
"You two should go out since you both like gay bars." (to me and Kyle)
Ross
"He has Mrs Fetish."
"All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my hair, running through my hair."
"WOW!! She has HUGE TICKS!!!"
"Trapping leads to pregnancy" (not a direct quote, but pretty close)
"Spube is good and spubie is bad."
Konrad
"Don't worry, I'm sure one day you will be able to argue with that."
"Well I don't know your preferance; boy, girl, cat, dog, seagull?"
"I guess you like them because they're big, and long, and wide."
"Hahaha, Hard penis"
"I'll prod you in places that you've never been prodded before."
Chris
"Cheery as a goth on friday the 13th"
(about Ross) "He was dropped on the head as a little girl."
David
"You wanna have a go with my rocket?"
Im not a girl, not a woman either, or a womanizer"
"I'm not sexist, woman!"
"Get your hands off my rocket!"
"You know the wailing sound that comes out of mosques? Well we learnt the words to that and I'm singing it to DJ Sammy."
"Mr Frodo"
"Today we're going to talk about God. God lives in the sky, with the birds. He is everywhere. Then End."
"I want to go home, do you know why? Because there's flowers at home."
Mr. Haggarty
"She's the downtown girl that downtown girls don't want to be seen with"
'What does waving lead to? Babies!'
'I mean , I'm not from a convent but I still like to dress as a nun'
(We'd been talking about using cheap perfume and Mark was half asleep.)
"Do you?" - Mr Haggarty
".......no.." - Mark
"Do you use the expensive stuff then?"
"........no........what are we talking about?"
"Am I talking with the stupid?"
"Wheres your Celtically challanged friend today?"
"I do believe that is Mrs Downie's mail order husband from Japan."
"Now I'm asking you because you probably look at him more than I do and might have seen him up close - is Arteta a lady?"
"Who's that poet?..... Old Guy?.....Dead?....Ian Duncan-Smith?"
(talking about free love) "But even in the '60s James would still have had to pay for it."
"...Al Capone handing out Bacardi Breezers from under his jacket and occasionally killing people."
Misc
"And...you know...y-y-you know, you know." - Miss Paton
"You, toilet, now!!!!" - Mr Tompson
"1903 was a big mistake 4 Aberdeen cuz they are crap!" - written on a book.
"They're as real as fairys, thats pretty dam real then" - Will.
"You'll have a little man-no I mean woman called mini-me" - Ted
"Do you just turn it to sharpen it?" - Ted
"No you turn cartwheels down the corridor" - Miss A
*he tries*
"If two gay people had children, would they be gay too?" - Kirsty
(In answer to "What is the meaning of your life?") "Sex drugs and rock and roll, some more sex wudnt go amiss either" - Will
"The excrement is going to hit the air conditioning soon" - Miss Anderson
"Like gettin butter from a doughnut." - Kyle
"There was this shop near where I stay, called Sparks, I think, and it burned down.....(pause)...I didn't mean to." - Colin
(We were asked for an example of irony in class)
"Like, when its raining and you go "Aye, its pure nae raining.""
"Boo!"
"Raar! Oh, I mean aaah!" - Helen
"I would prefer not to invite a French person into my house" - French Textbook.
"I seem to have temporarily misplaced my scientific calculator, and I was wordering if a replacement could be..... uh, arranged" - Chesser
"Oh no, its worse having boys. Girls can only get pregnant once every nine months, a boy can father a child every night of the week!" - Mums friend.
"Lets have fun - lets do sums." - Anon, you know who you are.
"I'm so glad I didn't have my breakfast today." - Ross C.
"Guys like that are only after one thing. I'm serious, he's only after one thing....... cheese." - Ross C.
"You know Muslamity?" - Tori
"My friend brought a dolls head into school once. Apparently I went crazy. I wasn't there, in my mind." - Tori
"Prelims??!?! Isn't that what tadpoles get?" - Gary
"Oh no, your roaming doorbell's lose." - Maureen
(Talking about sex)
"I'd picture it up and down" - Baz
"No, I think side to side" - Steph
"It'd have trouble going through doors" - Me
"Depends how big it was" - Steph.
"It was big, and pink, and it was a dildo" - Random first years.
"Do you two lick tongues?" - Rebecca
"Will you be offended if I offend you?" - Chesser
"....I had Rice Krispies for breakfast today" - Lauren.
(Holding a glass of whisky and looking at it in amazement) "SHIT!! I forgot to put the coke in!!" - Alan
