Title: A Story About Nothing

Summary: See title

Disclaimers: They aren't mine, I don't own 'em and I wish I did. maybe if I'm good Santa will bring one for Christmas?

Notes: Yes i wrote this, it's unbetaed. I dunno I couldn't help but write it. Yes I know it's insane. All the soil stuff is actually true, including the fact soil scientists sit around in bars and talk about these things, now that you know you can join in! ;-)

Pairing: Spike and Xander *drool*



“I’m telling you, Rupes, it’s an Alfisol!”

“Inceptsol!”

“Alfisol!”

“Inceptsol!” Spike and Giles stood toe to toe glaring at each other. If glares could kill Giles would be dead and Spike....deader. The two were so involved in their argument that they didn’t notice the door open.

“You’re both wrong.” Xander stated.

Giles and Spike’s heads turned as one to stare at Xander. “What!?!” They exclaimed together and then glared at each other in turn.

“Well you see, just a little over 10,000 years ago the oceans receded from the lower area of Georgia leaving behind sediment and a relatively young soil profile. When the soil scientist first studied the soil they found a sandy top layer and a clay and blocky second layer. They immediately assumed that the clay had leached making it a B layer and an Alfisol.” Spike shot Giles a smirk, basically saying, ‘I know what I’m talking about and you don’t’. Giles did not bow down gracefully. “But they didn’t take into account the fact that it was a relatively young landscape and that it had been recently underwater, therefore they didn’t realize that the clay was deposited, which made it part of the C layer and an Entisol. Like I said you’re both wrong.” Xander smiled smugly.

Giles and Spike blinked. Then they blinked again. “Why were we arguing about soil profiles?”

“Like I have a bloody clue! I don’t even know what an Alfisol is!”

“Well I’ve never even been to Georgia!” Spike and Giles turned and stared at Xander.

Xander squirmed under their gaze, “what?”

“This is where you say, ‘Oi! I don’t know what came over me, we must all be possessed.’ Then Wacther-boy here says, ‘I must consult my books!’”

“I don’t know about you two, but I already knew that stuff.”

“How!?!”

“Yeah, whelp, you don’t know anything!”

“I’ll have you know that I have an Uncle that lives in Georgia and he’s a soil scientist. He took me to a bar one time and got in an argument with another soil scientist about it. Don’t know why I remember it.” Xander shrugged.

“That’s preposterous!”

“Well, it’s not my fault Heather likes me.”

“And it still doesn’t ex-, wait, whose Heather?”

“The author, d’uh!”

“Author of what?”

“This story, what else?”

“So this Heather being controls what happens to us?”

“Of course. She likes me so I had the knowledge built in, for you guys it came spilling out, kinda like you were possessed. Pretty cool huh?”

“So what? The lass doesn’t like me?” Xander would’ve thought Spike was really feeling hurt if he hadn’t known that Heather was just putting that in there to boost her ego. Xander jumped as an invisible hand goosed him. ‘Note to self: don’t speak bad about Heather, it’s not safe.’

“Actually she does. She just thinks you’re a bit egotistical and need to be taken down a few notches.”

Spike fumed as Giles interrupted him, “This Heather, does she write these stories often? She appears to have Goddess like abilities.”

“Oh yes. Just the other day she wrote a story where Spike’s hair was purple, and she was a Goddess in it too!”

“Oi! Purple hair!”

“Yep!, even got your eyebrows, eyelashes and you know.” Xander said glancing down.

“No, I don’t bloody well know! Where else could there be-oh, she bloody well didn’t!”

Xander snickered, “that’s what you said then too.”

“I’d like to see what she does to people she doesn’t like!”

Buffy came running in with horribly tinted green hair. “Giles the pool turned my hair green!”

Spike snickered, “I always knew you were a bottled blonde.”

Buffy glared, “do you want to meet Mr. Pointy? Here let me introduce him to your chest!” Buffy stalked forward. “Oh my God, I forgot to mention that I’m pregnant!” Buffy burst into tears, as pregnant women often do, (if they’re Buffy). “And I haven’t even had sex in months! How is this even possible?”

“See?” Xander said lightly, “It could be worse, you could be barefoot and pregnant.”

Buffy gasped, “My boots! They’re gone!” She looked out the window, “A bird just pooped on my brand new just washed car!” Buffy screwed up her face, “Wait I walked, and I don’t even own a car! Something funny is going on here!” She looked out the window again, “Oh no now it’s being repossessed!”

“That’s what you get for pointing out plot holes,” said Xander.

“Pot holes? I thought the city fixed them?” Buffy was very confused.

“No. PLOT holes. Ya know, mistakes in plot, the story line, Heather’s gonna be real pissed if people keep pointing them out. Although she really has fallen down on the job, there’s quite a few in this one already. Not as many as The Sphere, but still, shoddy.” Xander jumped as he was goosed again. He rubbed his ass, at this rate, his butt would be black and blue by the end of the night.

There was a knock on Giles’s door, which is apparently never locked, and Buffy went to open it. “Yes, Officer.” She starts surprised.

“Are you Buffy Summers?”

“Yes.”

“I’m serving your papers. You’re being sued for plot negligence, stupidity, baseless accusations of the author and inability to keep your mouth shut.”

Buffy considered getting bent out of shape, but in light of all that had happened recently she decided that it was safer to just take the papers.

Spike stared at Xander mesmerized by the sight of him, suddenly all he could think about was the curve of his lips and how hot Xander’s breath would be on his skin. Spike shook himself, ‘where did this stuff come from? I never liked the whelp before and now I suddenly want to shag him?’ Spike jumped as he was goosed, spun around and noticed that there was no one there. ‘What the hell? It must be Heather. She must be putting these thoughts in my head. I bet she makes the sex damn good too.’ “Alright, me ‘n the Whelp are going on patrol. C’mon boy.” Spike dragged Xander out the door, and oddly enough there was no protests made, or maybe not so odd, considering who’s writing this.

The End