Hidden Depths part 4

 

Nick turned back to Gil after closing the front door.  “I didn’t know that you were seeing a psychologist.”

 

Nick grinned at him hiding nothing, “I don’t advertise it if that’s what you mean but I’m not ashamed that I do, well at least not anymore.”

 

“When did you start?  After Nigel?”  Gil didn’t want to let on that he knew about the babysitter, there would be time for that later.

 

Nick shook his head, practically laughing at Gil, “no I’ve been seeing a psychologist off and on since I was a sophomore in college.”

 

“What!?!  But why, I mean, what would have happened for you to have needed one that long?”  Gil was in shock, Nick had been seeing a psychologist for years?  Some how that seemed wrong.

 

Nick sat on the couch, staring at his hands, obviously deep in thought.  Quietly, almost too quiet for Gil to hear, and he was quite sure Nick knew that, he said “Promise you won’t get upset?  ‘Cause I don’t think I can tell you this and take it if you freak out.”

 

Gil knew that this was important to Nick, that he needed to get this off his chest, “I promise not to ‘freak out’.” He made a face at the words.

 

Nick nodded slowly and just sat there, breathing in, breathing out.  Then he just blurted, “I’m gay!” and cringed back from Gil obviously afraid of his reaction. 

 

Gil’s heart hurt just looking at him, “Oh, Nicky, just because you were raped doesn’t make you gay.”  Gil looked at him worriedly as Nick doubled over, shaking.  He sat down beside him, but scooted back a little when Nick sat up.  It was then that he realized Nick wasn’t crying he was laughing!  “Nick?  Nick, what’s going on?”

 

“Gil,” he sort of chortled-Gil wasn’t sure how to classify it, “I’ve known since college.”

 

“Oh.”  There really didn’t seem to be anything else to say.  “Is that why you started seeing a psychologist?”

 

Nick looked up at him, “no, well in a way yes, except no.”  Now Gil was heartily confused.

 

“What?”  Nick just looked at him and sighed.

 

“I guess it’s time for another one of those long tedious talks.  After this you are sharing some deep dark secret from your past, okay?”  Gil nodded yes not wishing to interrupt.  “I probably should have figured it out earlier, but well,” Nick shrugged, “I think I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.  So I was completely startled when my roommate pulled me off to the side and kissed me.  Shoulda known right then that I was gay.  I mean that one kiss was hotter then any kisses I’d ever had with a girl.  He explained to me how I kept giving him mixed signals and I was startled enough to listen.  He didn’t pressure me to do anything and we really just ended up friend but he helped me realize a very important part of myself.  When I went home for Thanksgiving I decided to tell my family.  I knew it would shock them, just like it shocked me, but I thought they should know and that they would get over it.  They were appalled.  My older brother Ben is a preacher, his words still haunt me, ‘I hope you get aids and die like all the other faggots!’”  Gil was shocked that they could do this to someone who’s very nature was as good as Nick’s.  He seemed so full of pain about it too.  “My father wasn’t much better, he threw me out and said I was no longer his son.  I wasn’t welcome in his house ever again.  I tried all forms of contact and they turned them all away.  Letters, phone calls, e-mails, anything I sent got sent back un-opened.  I figured after that experience of coming out then well coming out to people I didn’t know would be a cake walk.  Boy was I wrong.  I left the fraternity for one thing, I hadn’t really wanted to do it in the first place, but it made my father happy.  There were a few hate crimes, no big deal, but the crowning moment was achieved when I got jumped coming out of the library at one in the morning.”  Nick paused in his story to get a glass of water, his mouth had suddenly gone dry.

 

“I really don’t remember much about the attack, but I do remember waking up in the hospital in the worst pain I can ever remember.  Turns out I spent six weeks in a coma.  When I woke up I had a plate in my skull, my jaw was wired shut so it could heal, my ribs were busted, my ankle shot and my family knew what had happened and still hadn’t come.  It didn’t help to that the doctors suspect object rape.  I think I might have woken up once or twice during the attack and blocked it out.  I still get flashes sometimes.  Even that wasn’t enough to get me to see a psychologist.  I had to wait awhile.  I put so much effort into walking again.  The doctors weren’t even sure that I’d have full use of my ankle.  I funneled all my energy, fear and anger into getting one hundred percent better.  It took almost a year.  It was almost a shock to find myself with a completely clean bill of health.  That’s when the nightmares started.  It seemed like I never got any sleep, I lost my appetite and dropped weight entirely too fast.  I got so severely depressed that I thought about suicide.  I lived in constant fear that so attack like that would happen again.  I realized that I had reached rock bottom one night when I found myself sitting on the floor in my dorm room with a scalpel and an anatomy book trying to figure out the best way to slit my wrists.  It just dawned on me that I was letting them win.  So I closed the book and went down to the ER.  I asked to talk to someone, they set me up with someone and I started to open up.  Since then I’ve always found one I’ve liked where ever I go seen them occasionally.  I figured that if I worked hard enough to get full use of my ankle back when the doctors said I couldn’t that I could work to get my psyche back.”

 

Gil sat in shock.  He truly was at a loss for words.  Nick seemed to pick up on this and said, “you aren’t mad that I didn’t tell you are you?  Because I wanted too.  I hate lying.”

 

“Oh, no Nick I’m not mad.  It’s” Gil waved his hand about indicating his loss for words, “a lot to take in.”  Something inside Gil seemed to harden, a resolve that he maybe didn’t even realize he had, “you are an incredibly strong person.  I don’t know that could have done the things you did, recovered like that.  But what I don’t understand is why you’ve told me this.  I mean you could have shared this with anybody, why me?”

 

Nick smirked at him, “Oh I had a very good reason.  I like you.  I find you attractive and I think we would work well together.  I wasn’t sure if you would reciprocate but I thought it was worth a shot.  I was kinda crossing my fingers that you would be open minded enough to not be mad even if nothing came from it.  Been thinking about it for a while and it just seemed like the right time.”

 

Gil nodded in thought, “yes I guess it has been a time for sharing.”

 

Nick winced, “if you break into some kind of sharing is caring song then there will be no chance of a romantic relationship.”

 

Gil chuckled, “not to worry I would never go that far, but as for a deep dark secret of mine, well I’d have to say it’s this: I’m a virgin.”

 

Nick stared, and blinked, “you’re a”

 

Grissom nodded, “virgin.”

 

“Well that is a surprise, but it isn’t that shocking, really.  Certainly explains why you’ve never wanted a life outside of CSI, you’ve probably never really had one.”

 

“Is it really that obvious?”

 

Nick shook his head.   “The virgin part: no, the having of no life: yes.  Have you never had sex because you don’t want to or because you never had the opportunity?”

 

“I’m pretty sure there have been opportunities in the past, but by the time I got it into my skull they had passed.  Not that I really cared one way or another.  Work was my life, my hobby, I socialized with coroners.  When I talked to other students the only thing I knew how to talk about is dead bodies, bugs, things that grossed them out.  A lot of them thought I did it on purpose, and easy way of telling them I was gay.  But I think I really started thinking of myself as asexual.”

 

Nick scooted up next to Gil, “well you’ve defiantly had some interesting experiences.  I don’t think we should rush into a relationship; we both need time to think.  But before I go to bed let me give you one more thing to think about.”  Nick came right into Gil’s personal space, making his intentions to kiss Gil obvious and kiss him he did.  First it was gentle and sweet, very soft.  A little more pressure and ~oh my God that’s Nick’s tongue in my mouth!~  Gil’s thought’s went down hill after that.  When Nick pulled back they were both breathless and flushed.  Nick leaned forward to place a quick chaste kiss on Gil’s lips before he stood up.  “Gil Grissom, you may be a virgin, but you sure don’t kiss like one.  Goodnight.”

 

Nick was out of the room by the time Gil had recovered.  Placing his hand over his mouth he smiled and said, “goodnight to you too.”