SCIENCE EXPERIMENT #2
Title: Experiment #2
Professors: Rob, Paul and Ben: "scientists"
Start Date: January 2003
End Date: January 2003
Required Equipment: A camera, a nightclub and *Science*, plus one cryptic lab coat
Volunteers: None
Unsuspecting Victims: James and Sara: They know us, but obviously not well enough to know to stay out the path of *Science*
Success: Yes!
Aim: To monitor James and Sara's mental and sexual behaviours
OK, first to quell the doubters. We literally haven’t had sack full after sack full of mailman’s deliverance all over the office floor, which we didn’t have to clear up, since the debut experiment went golden; and there haven’t been literally thousands of angry anti-science mob members banging on the windows night after night after night, until we didn’t get up and call the police. This is because no-one cares! And because no-one cares, we will annoy absolutely no-one still further with our antics. Hence, the doubters have been quelled because they don’t exist. Insane politics declare the battle won once more.
Back to relative sanity, and this is *SCIENCE*, it's the *Science*, of people and their behaviour (In this instance). If that doesn't suit you then either sit down and shut up, or just sit down. You’ve probably been told at school (or some such waste of time) that the study, or not-so-study, of behaviour is a branch of psychology. Here this is so far from the case it will boggle your tiny, unevolved mind. We don’t care, so it ain’t psychology; anyway the “–logy” bit would have to go straight away because we’ve already been threatened with legal action over the course of the last two weeks, to my surprise not because of the badger incident, but experiment #2. Anyway, we welcome Ben to the “team”: we had to take him on because this was all his idea, or at least an adaptation of a previous idea to measure the distance between certain people to find out if they are in fact homosexual. I insist this be a future venture.
So, to the setting: we took one human male, and one human female in a relationship whom we assumed would be willing to help out *Science* (after all, who isn't?) and then applied the standard alcohol/ intrusive digital camera technique. However, this experiment was in an even more public place than the last one: The area’s premier rock/metal nightclub. This is possibly the only place we could think of where the traditional lab coat would be accepted as so unusual that it was usual, especially with cryptic “science: no escape” slogan.
Here is what we observed:
(Below): "Are you going to probe me?" - James does well to fear *Science*
(Below): We had to keep hold of Sara as the experiment progressed into outer space:
(Below): At this point, certain factors made it evident the couple knew that they were under observation, this photo goes a long way to proving it:
(Below): Yes, in a vain effort to escape *Science*, James disguised himself as the Honey Monster®. It has since been concluded that alcohol was instrumental in this transformation.
(Below): Could they be any closer? Nature says no, *Science* says "yes". I has been found that facial overlappery constitutes negative measurement distances in the field of saliva exchange; especially in our measurements, where the face officially terminates at tongue-end.
Certain legal obligations have stopped us from printing any photos closer than those previous; a series of sues, counter-sues and threats of anal penetration lead to the whole thing getting very messy. However, in the confusion of legal Frisbee throwing, Paul was able to copyright the ‘end bracket’ symbol )™ , as well as issuing a restraining order on all children under six.
(Below): “All goods still in order, Captain!”
(Below): Does Steph fancy James, or did she just want to get a glance of his tackle? Science HAS the answer.
(Below): James believes himself to have “won” this photograph. Rob has other ideas. Science later found that Rob was on a search for red meat
(Below): Is the alcohol wearing off? Paul dives in for a closer inspection, whilst Sara admires his generously de-odorised underarms.
(Below): Have you seen this man? If so, flick his ear for cracking one off on the dance floor
(Below): Paul couldn't contain his excitement any longer.
(Below): Our Human-MOFO® unit (Mechanical Oscillance of Facial Order) later found these smiling expressions to be resonating dangerously high levels of sarcasm.
So, in conclusion, there is no escape. But what did we learn?
EMAIL THE TEAM AT science_no_escape@hotmail.com WITH SUGGESTIONS FOR VENTURES, COMMENTS, OR PERSONAL JIBES: PLEASE!
Experiment #3 on the way!!!
