Notes: Again you are plagued with the wonder that is A New Kind. I was watching the Tamworth Two and decided that the whole Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was just too good to be true. And the best part…it is! Also, I discovered that Jesse James had a brother called Frank. Things just got out of control. PS: This one is set in the Pokemon world. I wanted a change.
A New Kind of Outlaw
“This is getting too predictable,” moaned Jessie, picking leaves out of her hair.
“Will we ever catch a break?” James whined. “And I wanna donut!” Jessie hit him
“Be quiet!” she commanded. Just in case you hadn’t guessed by now, they had just blasted off again and were now sat in a bush. “We need to come up with a new plan!”
“I don’t get it,” said James.
“You don’t get a lot of things,” said Meowth.
“No, I don’t get why we’re trying to capture Pikachu anyway,” said James. “The Boss never told us to.”
“Yes he did. He sang it (or growled it) so it must be true!” cried Jessie. “Otherwise the last few years have been a total waste of time!”
“What song? The Boss sang?! Why wasn’t I there?!” said James.
“You were there!” Jessie yelled at him. “You got more lines than me!” James grinned.
“Oh yeah…good times…anyway, I'm not even sure that was him. He sounded weird,” he said thoughtfully. “So yeah, the last few years really have been a waste of time.”
“So what do we do now?” asked Meowth. They thought for a minute.
“Play charades?” suggested Jessie.
“NO WAY!!!!” said Meowth. “TOO…MANY….MEMORIES!!!”
“O.K., O.K., calm down,” said Jessie. “Let’s just find some other twerp to steal from.”
“But what about the original twerps? Shouldn’t we tell them?” asked James.
“But dat would be giving up!” wailed Meowth. “We can’t do dat!”
“But they might wonder where we are!” Jessie pointed out. “We could cause them even more psychological damage!” Team Rocket looked at each other.
“All that vote not tellin’ da twerps, say aye,” said Meowth.
“AYE!!!!”
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“Where are Team Rocket?” asked Ash. They had sat around all day waiting for them.
“I don’t know. They should be here by now,” said Misty, looking worried.
“Maybe we should get lost in an uncharted forest or something?” Ash suggested.
“Yes! That’ll be it! We’re not lost!” cried Misty. “But how can we lose our way on purpose?” They thought for a moment. Then Misty fetched a scarf and tied it around Ash’s head.
“Hey, I can’t see anything!” grumbled Ash.
“That’s the point,” sighed Misty. She span him round.
“And now I'm dizzy!” he complained.
“Quickly! Point to somewhere!” Misty commanded him. Ash pointed vaguely down a winding narrow path.
“Right, we’re going that way.” She started off down the path, with Pikachu following her. Ash stumbled along behind them.
“Um Misty?” he called to her. “Can you take the scarf off now?”
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“Where the hell are we?” asked Xander, looking around him at the perfect landscape. Anya screamed. “What’s wrong Ahn?”
“Look at me!” she squealed. They all looked at her. Her chin was suddenly very pointy, her eyes were pretty much square and her hair stuck out at odd angles that defied gravity. The Scoobies all looked at themselves and screamed.
“What happened to us?!” yelled Dawn. “I look like a cartoon character!” She thought for a moment. “I am a cartoon character!!!” She sat down on the floor crying. “I think I need a hug.”
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Translation “I love holidays,” said Pingu.
“It’s nice to go somewhere without snow for a change,” agreed Mika. They stepped out of their furry clothes and into shorts and T-shirts through the powers of Japanation.
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“Go Fish,” said Jessie. James picked up a card. They had quickly gone through almost every card game you can play, from Whist to Snap. There was just one left. And Meowth was by no means going to let them play it.
“Wanna play chess now?” asked Jessie, after successfully winning their twelfth game of Go Fish.
“Ok then. But I get to be the little horsey!” said James happily. Jessie looked at him.
“You don’t play chess very often do you James?” she asked, rummaging for the pieces.
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Butch lit up another cigarette. Inhale, exhale.
“Butch, you’re really gonna have to stop smoking those,” said Cassidy. “You know they’re bad for your health.”
“A ciggie a day keeps the doctor away,” recited Butch.
“Yes, but you smoke twenty a day,” Cassidy reminded him. Inhale, exhale.
“I don’t like doctors,” said Butch.
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Misty and Ash had now travelled all around Kanto and Johto in record timing. They had got to every city without going through a forest, and hadn’t got lost once.
“How come when we try to get lost, we don’t, and when we want to go somewhere, we get lost?!” screamed Misty in frustration. She pointed at Ash. “You’re a curse! An ironic curse!”
“No I am not!” yelled Ash. He paused. “What does ironic mean?” Misty had to try very hard not to explode. Suddenly she noticed Butch and Cassidy sat against a tree, now sharing a cigarette. She sat down next to them and lit one up for herself.
“Hi Misty,” said Cassidy. “Don’t you like doctors either?”
“I like doctors. I hate Ash,” said Misty, inhaling so hard that half the cigarette crumbled into ash in under two seconds. Cassidy shrugged.
“He’s almost like a doctor. He examines you then refers you to somewhere else, like a consultant,” said Cassidy. Misty looked at her, now confused to the extreme (much like the rest of us).
“Let’s just leave it at ‘I hate Ash’, O.K.?” she said, reaching for another ciggie. Butch suddenly entered the conversation with twisted interest.
“Ash has examined you?” he asked.
“No! Well…not intentionally…he got a bit drunk…and then ate rare candy…” said Misty. Inhale, exhale. “I don’t like to think about it.”
“Mental scars take the longest to heal,” said Cassidy sympathetically.
“I don’t think any of us will ever be normal again,” agreed Butch. “Too many strange things have happened to us.”
“I don’t think Ash was ever normal,” said Misty darkly.
“Finally, something we all agree on,” said Cassidy.
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“Truth or Dare?” asked Jessie. James slowly backed away.
“Oh no. I'm not playing that,” he said, putting up his hands to defend himself. Jessie walked up to him.
“Chicken, chicken, chicken,” she chanted in his face.
“I am not!” he said indignantly.
“Don’t worry Jim, you don’t have to do anything,” said Meowth. “Please don’t do anything!”
“The chanting…brain…melting…” said James, clutching his head.
“Chicken, chicken, chicken,” continued Jessie happily.
“O.K.! I give in! Um…Dare!” he said. Meowth screamed and ran up a tree. Suddenly he was pushed back down again.
“Hey! Dere’s someone in dat tree!” he complained, rubbing his head, which he had somehow managed to land on.
“Come out you spy!” yelled Jessie. She shook the tree very hard and a guy fell out.
“Ow! That hurt!” he complained. He had black hair that was hidden under a cowboy hat and was wearing a costume that made him look like Indiana Jones.
“You spy!!!!!” yelled Jessie, hitting him with an umbrella. James looked at it with interest.
“New weapon?” he asked. Jessie nodded.
“Picked it up in Allerbmu City,” she said.
“Stop pummelling me! I'm not a spy!” cried the guy. “My name is Frank James and I'm here to dispose of a phoney Team Rocket member!”
“There are no phoneys in our team,” said Jessie.
“We’re completely real!” said James.
“No you’re not! You’re a fake!” said Frank, pointing at James.
“I'm not a fake!” said James. He turned to his partner. “Jessie, tell him I'm not a fake!”
“Jessie, you’re my partner!” said Frank.
“Don’t listen to him!” screamed James. Jessie clutched her head.
“Stop…YELLING AT ME!!!!” she roared. Frank came very close to her and whispered in her ear.
“You’re a man Jessie,” he said.
“I'm…I'm a what?” gasped Jessie. Then she thought. “Hang on a minute, I'm not a man.” She turned to her partner. “James, tell him I'm not a man.”
“She’s not a man,” recited James. Frank opened his mouth but James butted in. “Look pal, I’ve spent half my life dressed up as a woman. I think I know a little something about fake boobs, and those…” he pointed at Jessie’s chest. “…are not fake.” They all stared at him. James thought for a moment. “That sounded a lot less gay and horny in my head.”
“Sure it did,” muttered Meowth. Frank looked disturbed to say the least.
“You wear fake boobs?” he asked. James blushed and sweat dropped.
“Um…yeah…” he mumbled. Frank folded his arms across his chest.
“I don’t believe you,” he said. James got angry.
“I do too!” he yelled.
“Prove it!” Frank yelled back. James stomped off into a bush.
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Translation “Spotted any ‘birds’ yet?” asked Pingu, looking through his binoculars. Mika shook his head.
“No, not so far but…hang on a sec…there’s a couple over there,” he said, pointing towards the Team Rocket camp.
“I can only see one,” said Pingu. “I don’t really like redheads.”
“Neither do I, but there is another, in that bush,” said Mika, pointing. “The blonde.” Pingu looked.
“Ohhhh yeah…she’s fit…mmmm…” Pingu shook his head. “We should capture her for the King!”
“Yes! Then we’ll be his absolute favourites for sure!” said Mika excitedly.
“We’ll get a big bonus!” said Pingu. He thought for a second. “But how can we capture a ‘bird’?” Mika grinned.
“With a cage of course,” he said.
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James put his hands on his new womanly hips. “Happy now?” Frank looked mentally scarred.
“Must…cleanse…eyeballs…” he muttered. He turned to Jessie. “Does he do this a lot?”
“You did ask him to,” Jessie pointed out. James looked pleased. “But please James, take the costume off.” James looked a little crestfallen.
“O.K.,” he grumbled. He was about to stomp off into the bushes again when a large bird cage fell from the sky. James noticed he was probably stuck and threw himself against the bars.
“Jessie! Help me!” he screamed as the bird cage lifted into the sir. A large igloo shaped balloon came into view. Jessie gazed up at her partner.
“Don’t worry James, I’ll get you down!” she yelled up at him. James however had noticed a little swinging bird perch and was sat quite happily singing on it.
“Look Jessie! I'm Tweety!” he said cheerfully. Then he noticed how high up he was. “HELP!!!!!” Jessie looked at the basket under the balloon.
“Who’s up there?! Who’s captured my boyfr—partner?!” she yelled at the balloon. Two shadowy figures came into view.
Translation “The sky maybe falling but we’re on the rise!” said one of them.
“We won’t give up till we reach the skies!” said the other. Jessie couldn’t understand them at all.
“What?!” she yelled at them. The figures looked at each other and repeated it in English, then continued.
“To protect the sky from falling in!”
“To unite all people to serve the king!”
“To denounce the evils of lonely men!”
“To capture pretty ‘birds’ again and again!”
“Pingu!”
“Mika!”
“Team Igloo, blasting off to save the sky!”
“Surrender now while you can still fly!”
“HELP ME!!!!” yelled James. “THEY’RE PSYCHOS!!!!” Jessie rolled her eyes.
“Duh,” she said sarcastically. “They capture women!” A sudden thought occurred to her. “Hey, why didn’t you capture me?!” Pingu and Mika shrugged.
“We don’t like redheads,” they said in unison.
“The blonde was much prettier,” added Pingu. A vein stood out on Jessie’s forehead.
“Meowth!!!” she yelled. The little cat came wandering out of a bush.
“Has James finished playing dress up yet?” he asked.
“Prepare the balloon!” Jessie commanded. A Meowth shaped balloon appeared out of nowhere. They scrambled in, even Frank, who really didn’t like heights.
“Don’t look down, just don’t look down,” he muttered to himself as they drifted into the air. Jessie put on her best determined face.
“No one steals my boyfriend and gets away with it,” she said to herself.
“What?!” asked Meowth. Jessie blushed.
“Um…partner…I meant partner…” she said quickly. “Shut your Meowth. We’ve got a ‘bird’ to rescue.”
***************************************************************
Misty, Butch and Cassidy had now got through four packets of cigarettes and were starting on a fifth. Ash looked very confused and was talking to Pikachu, who was trying his best to shove his fists into his ears.
“…I don’t get what’s up with her. I mean, one minute she’s all ‘Ash has me’ and then the next she’s blindfolding me and smoking cigarettes with members of Team Rocket,” he whined. “I just don’t understand!” He picked up Pikachu who tried to bite him. “You’re still my best friend, right Pikachu?”
“PIKA PIKA!!!” (I HATE YOU!!!! GET OFF ME!!!!)
“Friends til the end!” said Ash happily.
“Pi, pikachu.” (Which for you may be sooner than you thought.) Thankfully, two people fell from the sky quite randomly and broke their embrace. Misty looked at them through the cigarette smoke circling hr head.
“What the hell—?” she said. The two figures picked themselves up.
“I'm Sundance!” cried the girl. She had bright yellow hair and orange eyes.
“I'm Kid!” said the boy. He had short orange hair and scary red eyes. Butch cracked up laughing.
“What kind of names are those?!” he said, tears running down his face. “Sundance and Kid?! Hahahahahahaha!!!” Sundance and Kid gave him the evil eye.
“What kind of a name is Butch?” they asked. Butch stopped laughing and pouted.
“Meanies,” he said.
“So, are you here for any particular reason?” asked Cassidy. Sundance and Kid shrugged.
“Not particularly,” said Sundance.
“We just add comedic value,” added Kid. Suddenly a whole group of people fell from the sky, right on top of Ash.
“Help me!” he yelled from underneath the masses.
“Now that had comedic value,” said Cassidy.
“Who are you guys?!” asked Misty, covering her head in case yet more people fell from the sky.
“I'm the Slayer,” announced a blonde girl.
“The Slayer of what?” asked Cassidy. “Please say Ash!”
“Ash?” asked the Slayer. She then noticed she was sitting on a ten year old’s head. “Oh.”
“She slays vampires,” said an old guy with glasses askew. Butch started laughing again.
“Vampires!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!” he said. The Slayer glared at him and pulled out Mr Pointy. Soon, Butch was a little pile of dust.
“Butch!” cried Cassidy, bending over the remains of her partner.
“Butch is a vampire?” asked Misty.
“He was, until you killed him!” said Cassidy wildly, pointing at Buffy. “BITCH!!!!” The Slayer quickly staked her as well.
“Will you please stop killing off my friends?!” yelled Misty. Soon she too was a little pile of dust. The Slayer packed away Mr Pointy.
“Don’t mess with me,” she said. “I'm Buffy the invincible!!! Mwah ha ha ha!!!” Sundance and Kid ran away, as did Pikachu. Ash tried to get up, he really did, but there was still a pile of people on top of him and he couldn’t have moved to save his dumb gay cap.
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0_o
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Meanwhile…
Jessie was now chasing her boyfr—partner in a dramatic and action packed scene involving balloons. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, I cannot describe it. Finally though, Arbok pierced Pingu and Mika’s balloon and James dropped like a stone to the ground. Jessie landed the balloon and unlocked the cage.
“Oh thank you Jessie, thank you!” said James, hugging her. Jessie laughed.
“May this be a lesson to you,” she said. “Crossdressing may seem fun but it can have strange and scarring consequences. I hope you’ve learnt something today James.”
“I have, I have!” said James, refusing to let her go. Jessie gently pushed his hands away.
“Go and get changed now James,” she said.
“I'm scared!” he wailed, throwing himself to the ground. Jessie sat down beside him and stroked his hair.
“You don’t have to be scared James,” she whispered. “I’ll always get you out of trouble.”
“Please don’t leave me!” James said, sniffing a bit.
“I won’t,” she promised. Meowth cleared his throat.
“Touching though dis is, I tink we have a new twerp to plague,” he said.
“And I'm very sorry, but I still have to insist on getting rid of the phoney,” added Frank. “James will have to go.” Jessie got up, glaring at him.
“No, you will have to go! Get out, now and never come back!” she yelled, hitting him with her umbrella. Frank ran away screaming, and that was the end of that. Jessie turned on Meowth. “And as for finding a new twerp, well…we’re perfectly fine with the one we’ve got, right James?”
“Uh-huh!” said James brightly, changing back into his ordinary clothes. “Why go through all the effort trying to find a new one when we’ve got a perfectly good and annoying one already?” Meowth shrugged.
“O.K., whatever youse two say,” he said. “One more thing.”
“What?”
“No more soppy moments, O.K.? It does my head in,” he said, clutching his head. Jessie and James grinned.
“It does, does it?” they asked.
“It gives me migraines,” Meowth confirmed. Jessie and James turned to each other.
“Jessica…I have something to confess,” said James. Meowth held his head like a Psyduck.
“Don’t say it!” he said.
“Yes James?” asked Jessie.
“DON’T SAY IT!!!!” Meowth screamed.
“I love you Jessie,” said James.
“AAAAAHHHHH!!!!” yelled Meowth. Smoke started coming from his ears.
“I love you too James,” said Jessie, kissing him. This was just too much for Meowth. His head exploded.
Jessie and James however, busy with other things, didn’t notice anything was amiss at all.
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“I had the weirdest dream last night,” said Buffy. “I think I turned into a cartoon character.”
“Me too!” said Dawn. The others agreed.
“This is so weird! We all had the same dream?” asked Xander.
“Do you think this could be like a demon or something?” asked Willow. Giles polished his glasses thoughtfully.
“I should look into it,” he said.
“I wonder if it’ll happen again,” said Tara.
“Count on it!” said two unknown voices. Sundance and Kid moved out of the shadows. “It may happen a lot sooner than you think!”
