Notes: Wow, a crossover. There’s something you don’t see every day! So shut up and start reading.
I sure know how to treat my fans.
A New Kind of Watcher
Giles sat on his sofa, reading a fascinating book about peanuts.
“Amazing,” he breathed, flipping the page to find yet more nutty facts. He had an urging for peanuts himself (also to start singing the Herbal Essences song, but that’s another story) Still reading the book, he carefully started to make his way towards the kitchen, holding the book in front of him.
Suddenly, the lights went out. This made it very dark (*Gasp*).
“Damn it,” Giles muttered, fumbling in a drawer for a torch. This was tricky; as The Guide To Peanuts was still in his hands. Eventually though, he found a torch and turned it on, poring over the pages and still trying to find a bag of peanuts in one of his orderly cupboards. This was tricky, as he now had a torch, a book and a tin of beans in his hand. He threw the tin of beans to one side in frustration. “Where are they?” he muttered angrily.
“Oww!” cried Someone. “Beans hurt!” Giles wheeled round to see a twelve year old boy standing in his kitchen. He wore a gay red headband, and was carrying a sketch pad, some pencils and a butcher’s knife. Giles gasped and dropped the torch, shadowing the boy’s face (and knife) in a very scary way. Giles struggled to keep hold of his book.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“Hi, I'm Tracey! Professor Oak sent me here! He said I should be a Watcher, so here I am, ready to take your job!” said Tracey brightly. “Now, hold still while I stab you a lot with this knife.” Giles suddenly had a very difficult choice on his hands. He could keep reading the book and get stabbed to death by the already annoying Tracey, or he could drop his beloved Guide To Peanuts and run like hell. It was an easy decision.
Two minutes later, Giles’s body dropped to the floor, along with The Guide To Peanuts.
***************************************************************
Buffy sat on a gravestone innocently filing her nails. Every now and then, a vampire would pop up and she would stake it with ease. After all, girls can do two things at once, right? Although even Buffy had to admit that maybe this wasn’t the case when she tried to file her nails with Mr Pointy.
Another dark figure popped up out of nowhere. Buffy grabbed Mr Pointy in her ruined nails and prepared to stake it.
“Hey! Don’t stake me!” protested the figure. It had now come close enough for Buffy to see that it was possibly male, wearing a gay headband and carrying a sketch book.
“Give me one good reason why not,” Buffy drawled.
“Because I'm your new Watcher!” exclaimed the boy. He was about twelve years old. Buffy looked incredulously at him, which was hard, as Buffy usually only has a few expressions: ‘That’s not fair’, ‘I'm gonna kick your ass’, ‘I'm gonna die (again)’ and ‘I'm hungry’. Incredulous is not her thing.
“You’re my new Watcher?” she said. “What happened to Giles?”
“He...um…moved…to Barbados!” cried Tracey happily.
“Oh. O.K. then!” said Buffy, without further questioning. Stranger things have happened. Just then a very big demon that looked like a dinosaur popped up.
“Wow!” said Tracey, grabbing his sketchpad. “A rare Pokemon! Look at the unique purpleness of it’s coat!” The demon looked down at Tracey and started posing happily.
“You can draw! Superdeedooper!” said the demon. “I'm Barney!”
“I'm Tracey!” said Tracey happily.
“You’re my best friend!” they both cried. They started singing. “I love you, you love me, we’re as gay as gay can be…” Buffy looked at them and promptly exploded. Tracey turned his attention to the smouldering pile of Buffy-ashes on the floor.
“Wow! A rare Pokemon! Look at the smoke rising from it’s ash-like scales!” Tracey said, turning to a new page and drawing the bits of Buffy. Barney looked at him, hurt.
“You were drawing me! It was fun!” he protested.
“Yes, but the ash-Pokemon is much more interesting!” said Tracey, looking pleased. Now I need to explain something readers. Barney may seem cutely annoying, but when it gets pissed off and/or jealous it gets extremely violent. To start with, it just shredded bushes, revealing a bewildered couple who were snogging inside the bush. The blue haired man grabbed the red haired girl and pulled her into another bush. Barney shredded that one too. They would have gone around the graveyard until there were no bushes left, but then Barney remembered that nature was Barney’s friend. Tracey however, wasn’t.
Barney turned to Tracey, who had somehow managed to capture the couple kissing in the three seconds they were in view.
“Another one to add to my collection!” he said cheerfully, rummaging in his rucksack for a folder marked ‘Porn’. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to find it as Barney promptly swallowed him. Suddenly Barney looked at his watch.
“Wow! Is the show over already?” he said. “Oh well. Bye-bye everybody!” And he turned into a stuffed toy. The couple looked interestedly at him for a moment.
“Wow! Barney is real!” remarked the guy. The girl hit him.
“James! I think you were doing something?!” she said suggestively.
“Oh. Right. Sorry Jessie.” They started kissing again.
Suddenly, the Buffy-ashes began to grow and change. When they had finished doing this, Buffy was left standing there.
“Hahahaha! I cannot die!! I am Buffy the invincible!!!!” she said triumphantly. Suddenly there was a tearing sound and Tracey ripped his way out of Barney the toy.
“And neither can I, because I'm a cartoon character for ten year olds!” he said joyfully. The couple nodded.
“It’s true. We’ve been electrocuted, burned, drowned, exploded and attacked with leaves and we’re still here,” said the one called James. “And I wanna donut!”
“You can have me instead,” said Jessie naughtily, kissing him again, but not before James had managed to say “Oooh!”
“So…you mean I can never get rid of you?” whispered Buffy, her lip trembling. Tracey shook his head.
“Nope! There’s only one person who can get rid of me and he’s miles away!” said Tracey merrily.
“Oh no I'm not!” A strange theme tune started up. Some random singers started singing.
“Super Brock!
He’s squinty!
Super Brock!”
Tracey screamed.
“Nooooo! I thought you were with Professor Ivy!” he said. Super Brock turned blue.
“That…name…” he said weakly. Buffy noticed that he was wearing something like a Superman outfit, but with a large ‘B’ on the front. He was also wearing novelty 007 boxer shorts over his trousers. He quickly turned back to normal colour. “You’re time has run out Tracey!” he boomed. “The animators have finally realised from all the hate mail that people like me better than you! That means you have to go!”
“Nooooo! I don’t wanna go! I like it here!” wailed Tracey. Super Brock glared at him and two laser beams shot from his non-existent eyes. Tracey was soon no more. Buffy looked up at Super Brock.
“My hero!” she breathed, kissing him passionately. Super Brock grinned. “Who are you?” Buffy asked, noticing that she had just kissed a total stranger.
“You know who I am,” said Super Brock.
“I do?” said Buffy.
“Your friendly neighbourhood Super Brock!” And with that, he flew away. All that was left was his backing singers.
“Super Brock!
He’s squinty!
Super Brock!” Buffy looked up at the sky, then at the little smouldering pile of dust that used to be Tracey.
“The weirdos we’re being sent from the Watcher’s council these days,” she sighed, sitting back on the gravestone to file her ruined nails. The bushes rustled behind her.
“Oh James! Hit me with your rhythm stick!”
